Zoo Tycoon – PC Game Review – brutalmoose
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Zoo Tycoon – PC Game Review – brutalmoose

September 10, 2019

(mysterious music plays) In 2011 Matt Damon bought a zoo. And in 2013 I constructed my human zoo, doing my best to one up the actor. But somehow, years later, Matt Damon is still arguably more successful than I am. I mean, did you see that movie ‘Interstellar’? I didn’t. But you can’t tell me that that title wasn’t picked just to rub it in my face. Wait a minute, Interstellar was Matthew McConaughey. Did you see ‘The Martian’? I didn’t. But you can’t tell me they didn’t pick that title just to rub it in my face. I’m not crazy! Well, Matt consider our feud reignited and today I’m finally gonna one up you because today, I’m finally gonna build that zoo. A real (dramatic sound effect) one this time. (dramatic sound effect) Like an animal zoo. (dramatic sound effect) With animals. ‘Zoo Tycoon’, released in 2001, was my second favourite tycoon game for a while, though it was far behind the far superior ‘Rollercoaster Tycoon’. It’s important to remember that these games aren’t related at all. There are a lot of tycoon games out there, everybody’s calling their game ‘Blank Tycoon’. You got your ‘Train Tycoon’, ‘Pizza Tycoon’, ‘Coffee Tycoon’, ‘Fish Tycoon’… is that not just an aquarium? There are a ton of garbage tycoon games out there, but ‘Zoo Tycoon’ was one of the good guys. I never had the expansions and I still don’t, so we’re gonna be looking at base, original ‘Zoo Tycoon’. As I’ve reviewed more and more of these types of games, I’ve realised that no matter how repetitive the tycoon formula is, doing the tutorial is usually a good idea and ‘Zoo Tycoon’s is really well made and makes the game’s mechanics easy to grasp. When it comes to visitors visiting your zoo, it’s about what you expect. They need pathways to walk on, snacks for munching, drinks for sipping, attractions to enjoy, beautiful scenery to eyeball and plenty of restrooms for, uh… poop. The, uh, the poop goes in there. Don’t be confused though, because your park guests aren’t really your customers. I mean, the guests are gonna come as long as you have a nice zoo and to have a nice zoo you need happy animals and let me tell you something: that is not a small feat. Who knew animals could be so particular? They need the right ground type, the right water type, the right foliage, the right type of shelter, the right type and number of rocks, (K-pop music plays)
the right K-pop for their birthday parties. These animals are who you’re trying to please this whole game because if the animals ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Because the animals are diseased, depressed and starving and it’s your fault! This all may sound like a bit of a pain, but it’s actually pretty fun and I credit that entirely to these happy and sad faces that pop up above the animals as you build their environment around them. I mean, look at how freaking happy I’m making these animals, man. I can’t help it. I wanna make their homes as perfect as possible. Oh, you guys like these trees? Well, I’m gonna drown you in trees until you love me! Oh! Too much, too many trees. I get it, I hear you loud an clear. You also have to hire staff to take care of the animals, fix fences, pick up trash and give tours, but your main focus is going to be these guys. The good news is that you can click on this zookeeper-guide-man to find out what the animals’ needs are. The bad news is, like I said, these cute, little, adorable d-bags are so freaking picky. I mean if even one tile is off, oh, they need more grass, they need more dirt they need more rocks. If it goes in the exhibit, the animals likely have some very specific emotions towards it. The payoff for following the strict guidelines though are happy and healthy animals that entertain the park guests and exhibits that are almost pre-designed for you since you have to get specific objects in there and they all look pretty accurate. I mean, I feel like if I was left to my own devices I’d either make a boring exhibit or a grossly inaccurate one. Though I will say that all of the scenery can end up hiding a lot of the animals and I feel like I might like to get a better view of them myself. I mean I did build the zoo, I’d kind of like to see the animals I put in it. You can choose to play scenarios where you get get time limits and objectives like guest happiness and animal suitability ratings, or you can build a zoo however you’d like on a blank slate. I already have a mission, (static noise) (low pitched voice) Defeat Damon! so I’ll be playing a free form game and after briefly considering horrible starting locations such as ‘Excavation’, ‘Mars’ and ‘Arctic Maze’ I went with ‘Jungle River’ because that seems like a great place to construct my zoo empire. Sure, whatever. I’m also going to start with as much cash as I can because, you know what? I deserve it, don’t question me. From here I put my tutorial given skills to use placing eateries and pooperies around for the soon to arrive guests and constructing exhibits to house my finicky animal friends. And now, after just under a year of in game months and just about a $100 000 under my starting bankroll, I invite you to visit the greatest, prettiest, most exciting zoo with the happiest freaking animals you’ve ever seen: Zoo…topia! (doink) Oh right, uh, I can’t use that. Uhh, I invite you to Zoo…tropsticle Welcome, young animal lovers, to ‘Zootropsticle’ located in scenic ‘Jungle River’. Come see our (meow) terrifying tigers, our majestic (bark) wolves, they’re in there, they’re, I promise they’re in there somewhere. Come see the big ol’ bears, the giant giraffes and the charming chimpanzees (monkey noises). Actually, you know what? I’m not a fan of the chmipanzees but come see ’em anyway because I need the money. I’m really poor right now, okay? (cha ching) But to make up for the lame animals that we have, we also have the illest, the chillest little dudes in the zoo: (Club Penguin – ‘Party in my Iggy’ plays)
the penguins! (Club Penguin – ‘Party in my Iggy’ plays)
♪ There’s a party in my Iggy ♪ And who could forget the brutal moose? named after the one, the only: Big Moose! That dude was pretty cool. And when you’re not looking at the animals, enjoy our petting zoo! Put a giant wiener in your mouth and be sure to stop by the infamous ‘Mr. Murphopsticle’s Zootropsticle Popsicles’! He sells popsicles, it rhymes, so just buy ’em already. But wait! There’s more! (ding sounds) We have have an even more brand new feature at the zoo: more restrooms! We heard the complaints, the many, many complaints, so we put in more crap shoots for you disgusting, disgusting people. Can’t you poop at home? And that’s Zootropsticle where each and every day our motto stays the same: (chimes) “Suck on that Matt Damon!” (people screaming) (people screaming)
Ugh, do you guys hear…something? (people screaming)
Oh. Oh my god no, the animals are loose. (people screaming)
Ahaha, oh it’s horrible, it’s just so horrible, (people screaming)
these poor, poor people getting attacked by wolves (people screaming)
and bears and tigers! (Club Penguin – ‘Party in my Iggy’ plays)
The penguins are still really chill though. (Club Penguin – ‘Party in my Iggy’ plays)
♪ There’s a party in my Iggy ♪ (people screaming)
Oh no, the horror! (people screaming)
There’s bars by the entrance, so people can’t escape! (people screaming)
It was, (laughs) it was definitely Matt Damon. (people screaming)
It wasn’t me, I wouldn’t do something like that! (distorted voice) I’m not crazy! Just as it’s a rite of passage to send your amusement park goers to their deaths in ‘Rollercoaster Tycoon’, letting your ferocious animals mercilessly attack the patrons visiting your zoo is a nostalgic staple of ‘Zoo Tycoon’. All you have to do is delete a portion of the exhibit’s fence and wait for the chaos to ensue. Not all runaway animals scare your visitors though. Sometimes this makes sense given the animal, sometimes, I mean, I would be terrified of a kangaroo, but maybe that’s just me? What about the hippopotamus though? Aren’t those supposed to be super aggressive and dangerous? Nobody cares. (guy screams) Okay, well one guy cares. One problem I was having was game crashes. The game ran without a hitch on my Windows 98 machine until I started letting the animals free. The game would just freeze. So I moved my save file over to my modern PC. Good news is that the game runs just fine on Windows 10, it runs great under normal circumstances actually. The bad news is that it still crashed when I let out all of the animals and I think it was because of my (ominous music)
GATE OF DEATH (ominous music)
I mean Matt Gamon’s (ominous music)
Matt Damon’s Date of Geath (laughs) I think all these people desperately running for their lifes with nowhere to go is just too much emotional stress for the game to handle. It’s not ready for this terrible reality, so, uh, maybe don’t do that if you decide to play this game. The gate of death is not recommended. Find other ways to torture your guests. (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
But if you’re a fan of the tycoons, (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
a fan of animals (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
or a mixture of the two, (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
you could do much worse than ‘Zoo Tycoon’. (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
I had a really good time while revisiting it (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
but ‘Rollercoaster Tycoon’ remains my main tycoon squeeze (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
I’m just not a huge animal guy (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
but I really like rollercoasters, (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
so it may just be more suited to my interests. (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
But, if this is the last time (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
I ever build a zoo in ‘Zoo Tycoon’, (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
I’m gonna continue to look back on the game (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
as one of the better tycoon offerings out there. (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
And I think a lot of the people out there (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
who remember the game would agree (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
(song increases in volume) (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
♪ Welcome to the zoo, zoo, zoo ♪ (Putt Putt – ‘Welcome to the zoo’ plays)
(music fades out) (Outro music) (Outro music)
(music fades out)

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  1. Shows a picture of Moose from Archie and my brain instantly goes to the robot chicken final destination parody

  2. Oh god this video whipped me back to some unknown memory in my brain, I remember learning everything and drawing out the perfect place for each animal.

  3. Matt damon is probably watching this saying "You tell Brutalmoose that he'll never eat lunch in this town again!"

  4. The dinosaur expansion was awesome. When the t-rex got out it'd destroy the bathrooms and, if a person was in there, you'd see them on the toilet all embarrassed

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