All right, babe, I got to go to school. Another day, another dollar. Patricia, love that circle strafing. work those WASD’s, honey. Gary, prom’s coming up – who’s gonna be the lucky lady? Shane! My mortal enemy! Hey, Law, what’s up? Oh, not much. Aah! Whoa, whoa, Law. Shane’s a member of the Napalm family. That’s not how we treat family, now, is it? He ruined my life. I’ll kill him! Okay, everybody! Everybody, come over here and join us for a minute. We’re gonna have a quick lesson in workplace hostility. Ah, look at that. Now they’re going to prom. See how great this is, everyone? Law… It’s your turn. Fall into my brother’s arms. It’s okay. Law… I’m sorry I framed you and murdered your robot girlfriend. Hmm? Pals? I’ll kill you. You’ll die. You’ll die. Law… It’s all right if you don’t want to be a part of this company. I mean, hey, we took your I.P. to greater heights than ever before. But we’ll understand. There’s the door. Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it… Do it! Do it, do it, do it, Do it, do it, do it. God forgive me. You did the right thing, buddy. Also, we need you to come in on Saturday. But–but, no. but prom’s on Saturday. Law. Nobody cool goes to prom. “R.A. Confidential” The way I see it, there’s good kids, and there’s bad kids. and I’ve got the best kids around helping me out. Sure, we might be down in the polls, but with a bit of hard work and a whole lot of coffee, I know we can win. Oh, thanks. Oh! Okay, great job, everybody. We can call it a night. I’ll see you all at prom. Bye, have fun. Looking forward to tomorrow, bright and early, so… Tonight’s prom–it’s a good excuse to give my team a break. and to be honest, I could use a break myself. Somebody’s stolen Cheeto! But who would want to steal Cheeto? He’s just a cat.
– Hey Ki, could you fix this hole in my pocket? Not now. There’s been a crime. When I came back from the bathroom, he was gone. Cheeto was supposed to judge the dance contest tonight. Calhoun is gonna be so pissed off. I can’t handle Calhoun when he’s mad.
– An actual mystery? here on the frag floor? Where do I start? Round up the suspects? Examine the evidence? Are you… smiling? Something smells fishy here, Brian. It’s probably his salmon treats. Brian, you have a loose vent back here. You should tell maintenance. You don’t want to mess around with mold. Ki, stolen cat– Focus! Tell me about Cheeto’s enemies. Enemies? He’s a cat. Brian has a point. Good point. What about you? Burn any bridges lately? I mean, yeah, but he wouldn’t, so… Who wouldn’t? Aw, crap, that’s Calhoun. I gotta go set up for prom. Find Cheeto, okay? Brian, wait! What are you hiding? Brain’s not talking, but I know who might.
Brain’s not talking, but I know who might. Brian and Ted got in another huge fight. It was really bad, Ki. Wait. Ted didn’t tell you? Ted didn’t tell me. Why didn’t he tell me? Could he have done it? Why isn’t he answering? Where is he? Prom’s in two hours. It wasn’t ted. Look at this. “Beloved Mascot Stolen Under Ki Swan’s Nose!” This isn’t about Cheeto, no. This is about you. Who wants to make you look bad? Who wants to bring you down? Come on in, gang. I made cocoa. Why would I steal Cheeto? I’ve got this election in the bag. Oh, I see. So that cat hair just walked onto your sleeve by itself. You’re chasing shadows, Ki. That cat sheds all over the school Where were you ten minutes ago?
– Reading. By the fire. What book?
– “Atlas Shrugged” Who’s it by? Some broad who talks too much. Sound familiar? So… You’re covered in evidence, you have motive, and your alibi is, you were reading alone.
-Yes. If by “reading alone” you mean “reading aloud” to my 1.5 million followers on my “Let’s Read” stream. Be with you guys in just a sec! Are we done here, detective? Nothing makes sense anymore. Could Ted really steal Brian’s cat? Is that the sort of man I love? How does Shane have a fireplace? Should I do my hair like this? Or like this? The only thing I know is I’m running out of time. Hello, Games. Writing the future? Excuse me? Checked the timestamp on your article. 6:45. But Brian didn’t report Cheeto missing until 6:53. So I scooped it early. Big deal. Don’t play games with me, Games. Your readership’s down, print media’s dead, you needed a hot story, so you went and stole one. What’s that? Your next headline? “Ace reporter saves missing cat?” I’ve got you. No…! Games! Hey, you can’t do this! I got rights! “Dear Moriarty, I think you are really cu…” — what? There, you got me. I like Moriarty. I like girls. You happy now? But… Your story– How did you publish it before it happened? I got a call from an anonymous source, and I ran the story without checking, so sue me! let me see that phone. Do you recognize this number? It’s over, Shane. Oh, for the love of– Goons! You’re not getting away with this I’m going straight to Calhoun.
– Do what you want I didn’t take your stupid– Found the cat! Case closed. Book him, Wendell. Wow. Snaps, Ki. Really, snaps. You’re the hero. I’m the bad guy. Looks like you’ve got this election all sewn up. He’s right. The school loves Cheeto. The election’s mine for the taking. It’s perfect… Too perfect. How could you do it, Wendell? What are you talking about? Shall I walk us through it? You always wanted to go negative against Shane, to find some dirt and use it against him. You made your move when Brian went to pee… But something went wrong. Cheeto fled into the broken vent. Now you had two problems: First, convincing me it was Shane, And second – getting Cheeto out out of the vents. When we searched Shane’s room, you found your solution. Brian told us Cheeto loves salmon. So you sneaked back into his room, stole his salmon treats, dropped them through the hole in your pocket, and voila. Cat’s in the bag. Damn. That’s pretty crazy, Wendell. Ki, let me explain, okay?
– There’s nothing to explain. You cheated. But I was just doing what I had to do. And so am I. Goons… Take him to Calhoun. No, no. No, no, no. Ki, you’re better than him. You love this school! Ki! You care about the students! That’s why you’ll make a great leader! But it’s also why you’ll lose, Ki! You’ll lose! He’s right, you know. You are gonna lose. Don’t you have a prom to go to, Shane? Ki, nobody cool goes to prom. Some kids are good. Some kids are bad. That’s how I used to see it, anyway. But how do you make sense of a kid like Wendell Brixby and a case like this? He was just trying to do the right thing. Just trying to help me out. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. What road am I on? “Swan Fires Running Mate!” “The Unicorn Hunter” But it’s your first prom. We have to go.
– No. No, no. Jenny – listen. You’re really, really sick. There’s gonna be other proms, alright? You don’t know that. Carpe diem, let’s do it. No, listen, you stay here. Get some rest. I’m gonna be by later– Wait– wait a minute. Is that…? …a unicorn?
– What? No, no, don’t look at that. Oh, my gosh. There’s, like, a whole magical world in here! Did you draw these? It’s just stuff I used to draw as a kid. This ink looks pretty fresh. And sometimes now. Put it away, or I’ll kill you. Okay, don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone you have an imagination. I’m sorry I can’t go to the prom with you. It’s not your fault… Princess Moonbeam… Oh, Summ’rwynd, ’tis ever so grand to ride with you once more across the plains of Eveningmorn. It has been too many moons since you last graced these lands with your visage, princess. Come, princess. Your kingdom awaits you. Ride me, for I am Summ’rwynd, and your kingdom has– Congrats, Jenny bear. You can join my team. Really? I can be a Panther, in Paris, In the pros? Anything for my little girl. All you have to do is kill the unicorn. That’s not too much to ask for everything you’ve ever wanted. But… We’re best friends forever. Center mass. Squeeze — don’t pull. I can make that shot. Can you? I love you. Yes! I did it! I’m so happy! “Barcycle Thieves” Radical solo, Harry. I love jamming with you, Sam. Team Ham! Uh, one second. Let’s get outta here. Oh, hey, it’s that guy. Uh, where’s… Jenny? Oh, well, she’s, like, crazy sick, so… You’re going to prom by yourself? Where’s Ted?
– Oh you didn’t hear? They broke up. I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk about it? No. Guys, I’m fine. Look, it’s gonna be awesome in there, okay They’ve got free punch… Dance contest, right? It’s–yeah. So… It’s gonna be awesome. Wait. are you guys leaving? Yeah, nobody cool goes to prom, Brian. Besides, my cousin Sames is throwing a totally swiss frat party at VGU. Enjoy the free punch, though. Okay, bye, Brian. Have fun by yourself! Just you? Hey, guys, wait up. Got room to sneak one more in? He’s really weird. He’s just lonely. He’s lonely ’cause he’s weird. Okay, we all just decided you could hear everything we just said and we’re sorry about that. So… You want to come to the party? Here we go! Yeah this is it! So then what happens is, if you lose, you have to drink all of it anyways. So even when you lose, you win! Oh, we’re here. We’re here. This is it. There’s gonna be booze here, right?
– Uh… It’s a college party, so… Probably. I’m ready to party, yeah. That guy’s got a drink. What do you got there? ‘Sup, Sames? What’s buzzin’, cousin? What the f are you doing here, choad? Uh, you told me you were having a party Yeah, I was bragging, not inviting. Now scram. Oh, your bikes are getting stolen. Bro–what? We doing it? What? Sames! You guys! Ugh! Whoa! give us back our bikes, You fart-knockers! What she said! Yeah, this sucks! I’m sorry, guys. Sames always was a turd-ball. Let’s just go home. Oh, man. We never have any fun. Come on, guys. We can do… Stuff. Like what? Stuff. I… Look, we– we got the night off, okay? We’re out here. We are cool customers. We can definitely figure out stuff to do. Let’s just get out there and do it! You guys… I don’t know a lot, but I know Brian’s right, right now. Forget those bikes. Let’s do stuff! All right, here we go! Man, I’m glad we did all this stuff. Tonight, together. You’re a cool guy, Brian. Good idea.
– Thanks, man. Wait. What was that? What? Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
– Dude, what is it? It’s a barcycle! What? It’s a barcycle, guys. This thing’s the real deal. It’s a bar on wheels. How did it get here? How do rainbows form, Brian? I don’t know. It’s beautiful. But do you think that– Okay, okay, okay. Truth? What base are you and Jenny on? Uh, dare, dare. Drink!
– Drink! Okay, um… Third? Oh, nice. Oh, that’s lame. Ugh, no. Uh , second? Sexually appropriate. Dude, Jenny is old news. We got to know what base you and Ted are on. What happened with you guys? I heard you, like, punched him in the face.
– I heard that–that he– you killed him! and now you’re not friends. Guys, I really don’t want to talk about it. Did Ted break your heart, Brian? Is that why you punched his face? Share your pain. Tell us. Yeah, tell us. Tell us, tell us. Come on, tell us. Tell us, tell us, Okay. How about we watch me drink? Yeah! And then, uh… Ted fell. And it was bad. Like, not just bad, but, like… no-more-friends bad. I suck. What? You don’t suck. You led us to this. You’re like… You’re like the Moses of beer. Yeah, man. We are your Teds now. Four Teds and one Jenny. It’s pretty. It’s beautiful. Four Teds. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I should have been hanging out with you guys the whole time. I love you guys. I wish tonight would never end I wish it would go on forever. Me too. Ugh, crap. We have to walk back to school. Walk back? Why would we walk back? Where are you going? Why walk back… When you can party back? Oh, yeah! Best night ever! Slow down! Slow down, guys! Hey Sames, this is my butt! Hey, Games, those are police officers. Oh, God! You’re headed right for them! No! You kids need to come with us. Randall Merriweather, your dad’s here. Trisha Ashby, let’s go. Allison Michaels. Games Dean. Kid, you got anyone to call? So you are literally my personal assistant now until I die. Or you do. Understood? Hey, Calhoun… What? How do rainbows form? God, I hate my job. No, but really. So beautiful. I don’t know how they get them… so colorful. It’s like a dream, but it’s real. “Full Throttle” Oh, hey, guys. Leaving so soon? The dance doesn’t start for another two hours. Come! stay! Make merry with us! Dang, I wish I could, but I got to go move my dad’s car before prom. Ted, you have a car? Oh, no, my dad has a car. I just move it on Fridays before street cleaning. Theodore, we’re going to an erotic arcade. Wait. What? No way! That’s gross. “No way”? That sounds like something your gross friend Brian would say. Brian? I hate that guy. Let’s go!
– Let’s do it! Oh, crap, guys, keep it down. And buckle your seat belts. Clutch, what the hell? That was my phone! No cell phones while driving, Ted! It can wait. Okay, guys, prom starts at 9:00, so get back by 8:30, okay? What, you’re not coming? We got you this fake I.D. Nobody cool goes to prom, Ted. Theodore, this place, This Elysium, has sights to behold! Nude Raider, Nudes of War… Naked Halo. None for me, thanks. I have a girlfriend. Whoa. You’ve seen Ki naked? We are not talking about this right now. I’ll see you in 30 minutes. “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” Man… I can’t wait to be a dad. Oh, crap! Salutations, sir. This 21-year-old would like to enter your premises, please. Freddie Wong? It says here you owe us a lot of money. What? Wow. Got to go. Bye. Come here. Where are you going?
– Nowhere. Oh God. Ready to die, Freddie Wong? You’re not Freddie Wong. Who are you? Not his son– that’s for sure. I’m just a stupid kid with a fake I.D. You got ten seconds to tell me what you’re doing here. Uh, I… I… I want to see all the breasts. I like this guy! He checks out. You got yourself a job. Cool. Three tokens for you. Damn! Hey, token boy! Give me a token! Coming. Where’s my mojito? Oh, sorry. It’s a little minty, but not bad, kid. Thanks, Toe Jam. You just cost me my continue. Looks like we’re both out of lives. Hey, guys. We got a problem. We let these kids in with their fake I.D’s, and they repay us by stealing my favorite game? Ted! You always wanted to be a member of the Rumble Pack, right?
– Uh… Go teach these kids a lesson. Yeah. Totally, huh? Gonna use this… Real gun… and go shoot and kill ’em a whole bunch of times. Yeah, straight murder. You know, I see myself in that kid. Got to go, got to go! D.K., we are leaving! Now! Ah, just in time. Lend a hand! We are not stealing this thing! Theodore, I hold the high score on this machine. It is mine by kingly right! For you see, every gamer who– No, no! No more speeches. No more king stuff. We got to go right now, Otherwise we are–
– Hey Ted. Can’t help but notice you’re stealing my game. To be honest… You’re gonna die. Toe Jam! Earl… This has all been a big misunderstanding. My boys, and girl , have mad disrespected you, and we’re just gonna go ahead and put that cabinet right back. No we’re not! Run Ted! Kill Ted first! Ted, hurry up! We got to go! Yeah, he did it! Go, go, go!
– Punch it! Oh my God! Ted, are you okay? I’m okay. I’m okay! Yes! We did it! Go faster! This is how you live, Ted! This is how you live! D.K., watch out! The perfect drift… A good death… What the hell is going on? My car! What did you… Ted? I moved your car. Hey! Hey, what are you doing? You get back here! Hey! Hey! You take one more step, you got detention! You look at me! You have three weeks! You have three weeks of detention starting right now, you hear me?