Articles

Video Game High School (VGHS) – S1: Ep. 9

September 26, 2019


Wake up and smell the Zorine, ZWNers! It’s that time of year again when legends are ripped screaming and bloody from the womb of glory. That’s just one of the many disgusting ways we’ll be discribing the white knuckle action… of VGHS FPS clan tryouts Live! Here at our mobile news studio at Grand Theft Auditorium. And speaking of legends, our special guest today eats legends for brunch. Hey Law, hope you grabbed a snack before the match. Haha Uh, I did, Scott, thank you. Hahahahahahahahahahaha So Law, we’ve got 84 students gunning for just 12 J.V. and Varsity jackets. Any pro tips for your fellow mouse jockeys before they get knee-deep into death? Well, uh, I don’t know about pro tips But, uh… Let me tell you something I once told a promising young newblet. VGHS is about being the best. You can’t be the best unless you be yourself. So, before you walk into tryouts today, I want you to dig deep. Before you walk through those doors, I want you to find out what drives you. Because once you find that out, once you know what it is to truly game, Then nobody can break you. (door opens) (sigh) You guys ready to go? Chiba! Hanzo! How did you–? Fished them out of the dumpster. You didn’t actually think I’d let you throw away your gear, did you? I fixed them for you. They should be fully functional. And I added a few, uh… …Upgrades (Brian chuckles) You guys know you’re the best friends ever, right? We are? Of course we are! Now let’s go play some video games. Now we’ve seen some great action today, but this final match is the one that everyone’s gabbing about. In the red corner, the leanest, the meanest FPS Varsity crew this school has ever seen. They must have a pretty good captain. And in the blue corner, a ragtag group of hopefuls led by Jenny Matrix who’s fighting to be… …the first sophomore ever to make it onto a VGHS Varsity team. Scott Slanders: Doesn’t help that she’s down a man due to Brian D’s expulsion. Guess we’ve got you to thank for that, Law. Look, when a troublemaker like Brian comes into a school– STFU, Law! It’s Brian D! No! No! Don’t you understand the meaning of the word expelled, D? I signed up. I’m still in the system. The rules say I can play. (Calhoun scoffs) Who sold you that load of molyneux, huh? Round here, I’m the dungeonkeeper. And my rules are in black and white. Looks like your fable ends here. I know it does. It was my dream to play on a VGHS team… …and I screwed it up. Yeah. You messed it up bad, like a failure. So what are you doing on my battlefield? This isn’t about you and me. It’s not about getting back in, It’s… It’s about the last chance to play with the best of the best. It’s about playing the game. ‘Cause at the end of the day Calhoun… …it’s all about the game. G.G, Brian D. (imitates explosion) He plays. I can’t believed that worked! Check out Brian D’s old school gear. Don’t tell me that’s the setup he smoked you with, lolipop. All right, everybody just calm down. Game’s about to start. Showing up late again, huh, Brian? Just never seem to learn, do you? Rule number one, Ace: Never give up. Rule number 271: Never quote my rules back to me. Now, sit your punkass down and best of luck to you, son. Ya’ll know the routine. You keep it clean out there. Match begins in 30 seconds. Get busy fragging or get busy dying. Countdown! All right, bring it in. Shoulda stayed home, Brain. You’re gonna ruin it for all of us. Yeah, you’re expelled. You have no chance of making J.V. Hey, I’ve seen these to cats meow, and it’s about to be a fancy feast tonight. You plan on bringing the thunder? Good enough for me. Jenny. You know it. Good enough for me. Jenny. Are you ready to kick some ass? Well, now that you’ve all worked out your feelings… Are you ready to kick some ass? All: Yeah! (pinging sound) (automatic gunfire) (automatic gunfire) We’re pinned down on the left. All: Yes! Fry my circuits! D and Matrix just grabbed the case! Bust out your butts and put butt bibs on those butts, ZWNers, Because this gumbo is bubblin’ Please. Grabbing the case is the easy part. Let’s see how those butts do on the long walk back. Hot crawdads, that kid can play. I hate that kid. (automatic gunfire) (cheers and applause) (laughter) Boolean! Underclassmen draw first blood. Law, looks like your ex-girlfriend and archrival are really kicking your team’s ass. Brian! (cheers and applause) Shot Bot: Jenny Matrix has almost done it. These underclassmen are one point away from the biggest upset in clan tryouts history. And that’s not, all Shot Bot. Another round like that, and Brian D could actually get back into VGHS. How’s that do you, Law? He’s gone. He left. (spectators react audibly) All right, you three left flank. Everyone else with me. This is it, boys and girls. Voice: The Law has entered the game! -Wait, The Law? –Game over, man! Game all over our faces! Okay, everybody calm down. Don’t panic. As long as we keep out heads– Head shot! “Law” ready for this? Oh lord! (players crying out) (audible reactions) (chuckling) (chuckling) Shot Bot: YOWZA! Lesson learned: Hell hath no fury like a law scorned. (indistinct remark) Scott Slanders: I know me some ownage, but that has to be one of the fastest case caps I have– Oh, great Carmack’s ghost! They’ve scored again! Tie game. You know what that means, Colonel Slanders. It’s time for sudden death– Three minutes, no respawns, no mercy. Ladies and gentlemen, it does not get better than this. Two incredible stories, one villian of Quakespearean proportions, and it all comes down to this final play. Jenny, Brian, make it a good one. Everybody stop! We can still win this thing. Get real, Matrix. We’re dunzo. The Law is coming. For me. The Law’s here because I’m here so I say let him have me. You know you’re almost back in school, right? I know. All right, here’s the plan. Brian: Law! He’s mine. Jenny. Law. (singsongy) Awkward. So…What’s happening, cap’n? Should we just shoot each other? Oh, we could, but…that wouldn’t get you on Varsity, now would it? Here’s how this is gonna work. You’re gonna go grab the intel, I’m gonna say hi to Brian, and…I’ll see you at Varsity practice tomorrow. You think I’d be caught dead on your team? (snickers) Matrix, please. I should go before people start talking. Mhn. Hey, Brian. Aah! Aah! Jenny just shot me in the back! Aah! Oh, wait, no, I’m sorry. She just stabbed you in the back! Really, Brian? (automatic gunfire) Really? I gotta admire your gumption, kid. (weapon cocks) You really want to play this game one last time? Okay. But, uh, the clock’s tickin’, So why don’t you put that ‘nade on your noggin, And we’ll put this whole “Is anyone on Earth better than the Law” issue to bed. Brian. What’s with the face? I’m not the bad guy here. You were nothing. A nobody. And then you met me, and the whole world gave you a shot. And you blew it. You proved you were nothing. But surprise. Here’s your pal the Law, coming here to give you one last chance. So are you gonna take it? Come on, Brian You’ve got nothing to lose. Almost nothing. (cheers and applause) (applause continuing) (both laughing) Law ready for that?! Brian D. Congratulations. You’re once again the lowest-ranked player at VGHS. Jenny: Hey Welcome to the team. Thanks. Sorry about Varsity. It’s okay. I’m happy with what I got. Sorry. That was… Completely unprofessional. It’s okay. Um… I am your captain now, though. Right, yeah. Oh, uh…will not happen again, captain. Good. That was your first kiss, wasn’t it? And my last, ’cause now I’m gonna go die from embarrassment No, Brian, it was fine! (Jenny giggling) Wow… …that was better. Good. ‘Cause that was the last one, right? Yeah. I hate this school. (laughing) Um… Practice starts tomorrow. See you there, captain. ( D.K. chuckling) Hey sorry, D.K. I’ll catch you later. Oh hey, Ted. Appears your girlfriend here is quite the rocker. Fare thee well, young Theodore, for we drift at daybreak. Oh hey, Ted. Appears your girlfriend here is quite the rocker. You could learn a thing or two. I’m sure she is dad. She’s pretty awesome at everything. Ted, you can play it cool all you want, but we both know at the end of the day– Hey, look, it’s Brian! Oh! See ya later, pops. (plays guitar riff) Brian freakin’ D! (Ted laughing) Congratulations, Brian! I knew you’d make it back. Roomies forever! Ah, thanks, guys. Whoa, you made your teams. She melted my old man’s face off, literally. Oh, no, not literally. Um, but I did do very well. So did Ted. Put your jacket on, dude! Let’s get some victory pizzas! Pizza sounds great right about now. Hey, what sized jackets did you guys get?

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