we’ve been celebrating our bracket tournament,
Third Month Mania. This time, we pitted the
past year’s 64 biggest moments of bullshit against each other, 32 pieces of bullshit
from Donald Trump and 32 pieces of bullshit
from the rest of the world, which we felt was an even match. And, tonight, after six rounds and two million of your votes, we finally have a winner. So, to crown the champ,
let’s turn one last time to our very own bullshitters
Roy Wood Jr. and Michael Kosta! -♪ ♪
-(cheering and applause) Welcome
to Third Month Mania finals. This is what it’s all about,
people, the Arthur A. Bullshit
championship trophy. Yes, it is, Kosta. People lie straight-faced
their whole lives -for this piece of hardware.
-That’s right. But this year, only two
contestants were bullshit enough to reach the final round. President Trump’s claim that the Charlottesville
Nazi protest -had “very fine people
on both sides”… -Yup. …going up
against the conspiracy theory that the Parkland shooting
survivors were crisis actors. Yeah, but before we get
to the finals, let’s look at who those two bits
of bullshit had to pass to get here. In the semifinals, the Parkland
crisis actors bullshit barely beat out
Tucker Carlson saying, “The United States ended slavery
around the world, and maybe we should get
some credit for that.” (laughter, groaning) Wait. Some credit? So wait. So now white people
want reparations for slavery? Well, if you think
about it, Roy, if we didn’t end slavery,
who would? (laughter) That’s a good point.
Good point. (laughter) And to get to the finals, Trump’s “very fine people”
bullshit defeated his claim that he had “the biggest crowd in the
history of inaugural speeches.” That’s bigger bullshit
than when I fake a limp to board airplanes early,
you know? Oh, my God.
How do you sleep? I sleep in the exit row. Yeah. But when the dust settled, it
was all down to our finalists. On the Trump side, the president saying
the Charlottesville Nazi rally had “very fine people
on both sides.” -Now that’s the one that I think
should go all the way. -Yeah. How are you going
to say Nazis are good people? -How are you going to say that?
-Well, come on, Roy. You’re gonna tell me
that there are no good Nazis? I mean, you don’t think
Rommel would have helped jumpstart your car
in the winter, or you don’t think Goebbels
would send your mom an Edible Arrangement
on her birthday? You sound
like the intolerant one here. (laughter) -Are you serious?
-No. I’m bullshitting. I’m bullshitting.
It’s what we do. -Oh, okay. Okay.
-I mean, come on. Come on. -Uh, you got me. You got me.
-Come on. But as crazy as that quote was, it had to go head-to-head
with the conspiracy theory that the Parkland students
are crisis actors. -This is such bullshit, Roy.
-Come on. We all know if you’re an actor
playing a high schooler, you’re at least 30 years old. I mean, like,
Luke Perry, really? Luke Perry served
in World War II. That’s true. -He got a couple of medals. Yup.
-Yeah. -Let’s get to the big moment.
-Here we go. Come on. Let’s get to the big moment. It’s time for us
to crown a champion. -We have the envelope.
-(exhales loudly) I’m nervous. Are Moonlight jokes still cool
to…? No, they’re bullshit.
Yeah, they’re bullshit. -Okay, okay. Cool.
-Yeah. Here we go. Well, the winner
of the 2018 Third Month Mania for the year’s
biggest bullshit… -(exhales loudly)
-by your vote of 61% to 39%… (drumroll) The winner is… BOTH: “Very fine people
on both sides”! (noisemaker blows)
-WOOD: Wow. -Unbelievable! -Wow!
-(cheers and applause) This was a once
in a lifetime bullshit! -Crazy! -Look at this!
-(fanfare plays) Congratulations!
And now we honor this incredible bullshit
by retiring its jersey and sending it up
to the rafters forever. There it is. (fanfare plays) TRUMP:
You also had people that were very fine people
on both sides. Very fine people on both sides. You also had people that were very fine people
on both sides. Very fine people on both sides. Another… another
fine tournament on both sides. Thank you to everyone who voted. -This is just so much bullshit,
man. -Good job. Yeah. Yeah. It’s so much bullshit,
and if you didn’t vote, -that’s some bullshit.
-That’s some bullshit, too. -Back to you, Trevor.
-Yeah, I’m… It’s all right. Michael Kosta, Roy Wood, Jr.,