Unlikely chat-up lines Nope, should’ve gone to specsavers (laughter) Um, my name’s Ed. What’s it short for? Dunno, it’s just always been like that. You had me at “hello” (laughs). Which is why most of my friends think I’m a bit of a slag. Your father must’ve been a thief, and i’m gonna catch him if it’s the last thing that I do; your father is going to prison! Here’s a loyalty card; every ten shags, I buy you a present. Hey um, are you a parking ticket? Because I picked you up on the street and now I can’t afford to pay you. Love is blind and so am I. Now let me feel your face so I know you’re not a munter I’d say my approach to sex is a lot like the government’s approach to Brexit. I go in hard and then pull out when I realise I have no idea what I’m doing. Oh, so when you sit there seductively licking your lips, that’s “sexy”, but when I do it, I’m “weird” and should, “get off your lips”. You look like a million dollars! Less impressive than you would have done ten years ago. I like my men like I like…women. Hey girl! You must be tired because you look real tired. Get some rest lady! Well, I hope you’re nothing like my ex-girlfriend. She was so demanding. Always asked me to text her when I got in. That’s how small my penis is. So, do you come here often? To this…STD clinic? If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together. Which is why I was fired from my job as an English teacher. Roses are red. Violets are red. You are red. The sky is red. I’m bleeding in the eyes. You’ve got an arse that just won’t quit. Despite calling an election and losing a majority. You don’t look like you did through the binoculars. If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me? While I cry on your shoulder? I’m so lonely, God I’m so lonely. On a first date, I always like to go Dutch. I don’t mean i’ll split the bill, but I’ll do some really kinky stuff in cloggs. I like my women like I like my coffee always getting my name wrong. If you were on an Indian menu, you would have three chillies next to you. Because, you make me shit myself.