True Confessions with Chris Hemsworth and Kumail Nanjiani
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True Confessions with Chris Hemsworth and Kumail Nanjiani

August 20, 2019


-Just three men with beards
hanging around a table. Three equally handsome men. -Yes. Thank you. -We’re all exactly the same.
-Attractive people. Here’s how this works. In front of us are two envelopes
containing confessions. One confession is true.
The other is a lie. Once you read your confession, the other two players have
45 seconds to interrogate you. They have to guess if you’ve
been lying or telling the truth. Chris, you will go first. Which envelope should he open? -Let’s go with one. -What is your story? Okay. -My first job was
cleaning out breast pumps. [ Laughter ] -For your first —
That was your first job? -First job, yeah.
-How old were you? -I was 14 at the time. -And was it just cleaning out
breast pumps or was there other aspects
to the job? -It was repairing them as well,
occasionally. -You repaired breast pumps
at 14? [ Laughter ]
-Well, like, like, like — Any pump, you know,
there’s a motor with a belt, like a rubber belt,
for the suction. -Do you know that? Oh, was this for
human breasts or animal breasts? -Yeah, no, like — you’d have — like, pharmacies
would rent them out. -They would rent them out? Because you don’t need them
forever, right. -No.
[ Laughter ] So they’d come back
covered in dry milk. So I’d have a toothbrush — [ Buzzer ] I’d clean the dry milk off. -Dry milk? I did not think I’d hear
the phrase dry milk today. [ Laughter ] -This is very interesting. -That was it?
That was all we get to ask? -45 seconds, we did it. -I think it’s real. -You think his first job
was cleaning out — -If not, he’s a psychopath —
[ Laughter ] If he made that up. -Were you saying, like,
where he grew up, his dad had animals and stuff
around, so I’m thinking maybe — -But it’s human breast milk. -But I think it’s inspired by
what he used to do with animals. -That’s very smart. -And then change it to a lie. -You’re good at this. He took almost the truth and
changed it slightly to a lie. -I’m going to say you lie.
-Yeah. -Did you lie?
-I’ll say lie, too. -It was the truth.
-I said it was the truth! [ Laughter and applause ] -Why did you — -Where were you? Where were you?
Where were you? Where was it? -So, it was, like,
Fisher and Paykel. It’s a company that makes fridges and ovens
and breast pumps. And I literally
worked for a pharmacy. They would rent them out. The machines would come back,
and I would have a toothbrush, a little spray and wipe. And dried milk —
covered in them. Yep. -One question.
-Yep. -Do the women who used
these breast pumps now know that Chris Hemsworth
once cleaned their breast pumps? [ Laughter ] -Here we go. This is my turn.
Here we go. -And can you buy them on eBay?
-You can’t buy them on eBay. Which one?
Which envelope should I open? -Well, which one —
-Let’s go two. We did one for me, right?
Let’s go two for you. -Are you going to go into
the breast-pump business? Dolph Lundgren once saved me
from a bunch of coyotes. -I mean, it’s so ridiculous that
I’d say no, but which means
it’s probably yes. -Yeah, okay. So, how long ago
did this happen? -I’d say, early 2000s. 2002? It was before I was
on “Saturday Night Live.” -How many coyotes? -I don’t really know, but it was definitely
at least one scurrying. -So how did he save you?
What did he do, wrestle them? -You’re saying Dolph Lundgren saved you
from a group of coyote? -Yes. Yes.
-One? -No, not coyote — coyotes.
I think it was more than one. I was leaving a party,
and I heard things scurrying. -What did he do? -He said,
“Jimmy, get in my car.” [ Laughter ]
-What? -He said, “Hey, Jimmy, quick,
get in my car” or something like that.
“There’s coyotes are coming.” -So he knew who you were?
-Yeah. -So you guys were
hanging out or just — -No, I didn’t know
he was there at all. -It seems true, right? -It seems true.
I didn’t want it to be. Actually, hang on. Whoa, whoa. [ Laughter ] You’re lying! -No, why would I do that,
though? -I feel like it’s true because
he wasn’t sure on the year and he’s, like, trying to make
us think that he’s lying, but it’s really the truth. He said, “Ah, let’s say 2002.”
He’s trying to — -I looked deep within his soul. Deep within —
Yeah, you’re lying to me. -You’re right. It’s a lie.
-Wow! Nice! -How cool would that be?
How cool would that be? For a second, did you think? -Yeah, for a second I did,
and then I looked at you. We played another game where
it’s like “Don’t laugh.” That game. And there’s something
there that happened. -I was proud, like I felt I won.
-Yeah, yeah. -Okay, all right, here we go. -I’m going to say — what do we
just go with, number two? What do you think, Chris? -I don’t know. I do want to say
this is great. We’re just hanging out,
three guys. -Three dudes.
Yeah, don’t worry about it. -All equally handsome, yeah.
[ Laughter ] -Just fun. Number one.
-One? -Yeah.
-All right. -Fun.
-Here we go. Um… -All right,
already you’re lying. -I once tried to murder someone
in Singapore. [ Laughter ] -Hang on, hang on.
Intention– like, as in — -This is gonna air
on television, you know. [ Laughter ] -I didn’t say I was successful. -What year was this? -I was maybe around
10 or 12 years old. -So you — When you say murder,
that wasn’t self-defense. That’s you like out to get
someone intentionally. -I was the aggressor.
-You didn’t like this person? -No, I liked this person.
I loved her. -Why did you
want to murder them? -I don’t know.
-Wow. -What do you mean,
you don’t know? -How did you try to murder her?
-Strangulation, pretty standard. [ Laughter ] -Just because,
or no reason at all? -Well, so, I was sleepwalking,
and as a kid, I wasn’t allowed to
watch horror movies, and this person
showed me a horror movie. [ Buzzer ] -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, well, wait. -I want more than 45 —
I want weeks with you. [ Laughter ] -Something happened at the end
there because all of a sudden it was, “Oh, I did it
on purpose.” And then you said
you were sleepwalking. -Oh, that’s very interesting. Now he’s smirking, almost thinking that we’re both
going to say he lied. Because now he’s doing
what I did. -Look at me.
-This is the poker face. He thinks he won. [ Laughter ] I’m gonna say… -I think it’s true.
-I’m gonna say it’s the truth. You tried to murder someone
in Singapore. -That is correct. [ Laughter and applause ] -I can never look at you
in the same way. What are you talking about?
-It was my aunt. -Oh, my God.
[ Laughter ] -And I had little 10-year-old
hands. I never had a shot. [ Laughter ] But I wasn’t allowed to
watch horror movies as a kid. And I was staying at her house,
and she was like, “It’s fine. I’ll show you one. What’s the worst
that could happen?” And then I tried to murder her. [ Laughter ] -In your sleep, though,
in your sleep. -In my sleep. And they woke me up and I don’t
remember any of it, but I remember being like —
things were weird at breakfast. [ Laughter ] -“Do you know what you tried to
do last night?” Guys, I’m glad we got to
the bottom of these things. Thank you so much for playing. Chris Hemsworth.
Kumail Nanjiani.

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  1. I know that Chris first jod was cleaning out breast pumps because of that interview with Chris Evans where they couldn't hold It together๐Ÿ˜‚

  2. Jimmy Fallon never trusted Kumail. Dude literally said itโ€™s true if not he is a psychopath.
    Kumail is very smart and intelligent. He will make great interrogator. I felt bad when jimmy made him change his decision ๐Ÿ˜†

  3. This changes the Big Sick… dontit? I thought it was a RomCom, turns out it was a potentially Attempted Murder Comedy? AtMuCo?

  4. The only comedian who never repeats the jokes, coz they aren't jokes they are real life incidents. This guy dosent need sense of humour, he is the real humour.

  5. So confused on why Jimmy Fallon changed the subject when Kumail made the eBay joke. I was dying laughing, but he made it seem like Kumail just said something inappropriate. He should have fake laughed his way through that one, because it was hilarious lol.

  6. Kumail and pawney have many things in common๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…

  7. I knew immediately that Chris's was true because he said it in an interview before and I think it was Chris Evans who was laughing about it

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