Mmm. A little flaccid.Let’s try the rum raisin
one more time. But mix it
with the lavender
and the pumpkin. Ah, Christ Almighty,
Paul, hurry it up. We’ve been here so long,
I gotta shave again. Maybe choosing ice cream
is no big deal to you. but if I get the wrong flavor,
it’ll ruin my day. Mmm. Perfect. – You want a scoop of that?
– You know what? I’m good. I’m stuffed. Eddie? Dude, you got to stop
over-thinking shit. Just trust yourself
and go for it. – ( gasps )
– Hmm. Not bad. I’ll have what
the kid’s having.( knocking )Sasquatch! No, Eddie.
Don’t let him get to you. Eddie:
Why is he always
He murdered my wife,
isn’t that enough? As gruesome
and horrifying as that was, understand,
he was acting on instinct. – Let me at him, Paul.
– ( phone ringing ) – Let me go.
– Pad, what’s up? We have
a paranormal presence terrorizing
Sheldon High School See you in a jiffy. All right, Eddie.
We got to do this. Are you ready?
Are you focused? All right.
I’m trying. I’m trying. Okay, I’m good. – ( no audible dialogue )
– Mother ( bleep )!( theme music playing )Man:
Thank you for arriving
so quickly.It’s some sort of shapeshifter and it has been terrorizing
my students. Yeah, that’s frightening. Shapeshifters are able
to instantly transpose, copy, and convert into any physical
form, object, or being. Wow. The idea of instantaneous
atomic re-structuring sounds fascinating. It is fascinating. Almost as fascinating
as this. Oh, what do you know?
It’s the shapeshifter. ( phasing ) You wouldn’t hit a girl,
would you? -Damn it.
-( laughs ) – Bye, cutie.
– It’s getting away.
Let’s go. ( groans ) –( glass breaking )
– Eddie:Got it.–( phasing )
–Don’t got it.Paul:
Man, that thing
can shapeshift!– Eddie:Help!
–( phasing )The desk!
It’s getting away. – What just kissed me?
– Thank God, it’s gone. I thought it was going to
destroy my school. Scan shows zero
paranormal presence and a spot
on your lung, yo. You better get
yourself an X-ray. It’s out of your school,
but it’s still out there. Our job has just begun. However, we do expect
immediate payment. Of course. And, gentlemen,
good luck on your quest. And good luck
with your X-ray. This modified metal detector
will generate a 60-cycle hum and create
an electromagnetic field that will pinpoint
the shapeshifter’s specific
protoplasmic signature. – ( snores )
How long was I out?
– Okay, fine. If my wealth of information
is of no interest to you, then that’s your loss. Huh? You say something? Paul, you should consider
working this hard
on losing your virginity. Oh! Paul got burned
by a computer. That was hurtful, Pad,
but your point is noted. I will join yet another
dating service. And look at you, little man. What dating service
are you on? Farting Dorkstar Loser? Damn!
Pad’s bringing it. And bringing this, sucka! Curses.
The shapeshifter. Why me? Why my nuts? It’s a sign of affection. It’s what I do
when I want a guy
to like me. Why was I abandoned?
I had to hitchhike back. I was abducted and rebooted
by a goddamn horny drifter. My hard drive was corrupted.
I need to wipe my RAM. I’m really sorry,
but we kind of took home
the wrong Pad. Virus check
highly recommended. Excuse me, sir, if I may, I’d like to clear
my search history
on that little lady. Oh, man, this thing
is ( bleep ) sick! The detector
in the gun will beep when we are near
the shapeshifter. ( beeping ) – Wait, are you–
– I’m not the shapeshifter. Wait, then you’re
the shapeshifter! It’s not me, I swear. – What’s happening?
– I can’t control it. What goes on between me
and my Eddie is my business! The truck!
It’s the shapeshifter. Don’t be fools
and try to come between us. What is happening? Aah! Oh, my dear God! Good thing
I wore my head. Orb, you were right.
The shapeshifting jerk
has a thing for Eddie. Duh. I know about
( bleep ) relationships. I was engaged to Mussolini. Wait, what?
The shapeshifty thing? It wants me? Dude, the truck talked to us. It wants you bad, Eddie. Get the ( bleep )
out of here! See you in my dreams,
my love. Morning, sweetheart. Jill? My dead wife?
But how? Shh. – Jill:Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
– Eddie:Oh, Jill.It’s just like
the first time.Morning, all.
Lovely day, huh? I brought doughnuts. Oh, I believe you remember
my dead wife Jill. – Hello.
– ( beeping ) Uh, Eddie,
we need to talk. Are you nuts?
That’s not your wife. That is the shapeshifter. That’s a technicality, Paul. I never thought
I’d have a second chance
to be with Jill, but right now, I do. But this is all an illusion.I’m just looking out
for your buddy.You’re gonna get hurt.Hmm.
You know, that makes
a lot of sense. Let me go talk about it in
private with Jill.( Jill moaning )Jill:
Oh, baby! Yeah!Eddie:
Come on now. Come on.This is saddest thing
I’ve ever seen, And I lived through
the Civil War. Jill:
Oh, yeah.I’m not hungry, are you? You know what I’m hungry for. Eddie:
Don’t stop.( Jill grunting )Eddie:
Grab my balls, please!
Please!Oh! That’s it.
That’s it– oh! Home run.I’m not hungry
for ice cream, are you? I know what
you’re hungry for. – Oh! Jill, Jill!
– Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. – ( screeching )
– Eddie:Ow! Ow! Stop!
Stop! Okay, don’t.This is bad.
We have to end this before
Eddie gets any deeper. His behavioral pattern
is similar to patients with deep addiction
problems. So do what
you do with addicts– cut him off cold turkey. Overpower it
and toss it back into its transdimensional
environment. All right, let’s do it before that thing
destroys him. We just have to find
an open portal
and dump it in. Pad, southwest sector,
lower quadrant. Searching for open portal. What would you say right now to a big, fat, thick,
sweaty, veiny hot dog? Yes, if you know
what I mean. You know,
I am getting a little– Hey! Hey, no! Orb, open her up. What are you doing? I’m saving you. That’s my wife.
What have you done? You’re as bad
as goddamn Sasquatch! Jill! Oh, goddamn it. It’s so hot and ugly here. Yeah, it’s kind of
like Fresno. It’s some sort of
colony of goopy blobs. They seem friendly. Eddie, it’s me. – Jill.
– Yes, in my true form. – Oh, gross.
– Wow, okay. So, nice seeing you again. We have got to
get out of here. We got a thing, Paul and I–
free soup at the armory. We’re gonna go now,
and you just
don’t ever change. Eddie, I know how
you felt about me. The way you looked at me,
the poetry you spoke–the way you made
love to me.You never thought
you’d feel that way again. Right, that’s true,
and I thank you for that. Could you back up
a little though? ‘Cause lots
of yucky on Eddie. I’d like to be a part
of your life, Eddie. As my wife or this? You tell me. Who did you really
fall in love with? Was it your wife
or was it me? Mmm. Your real mouth
is softer and sweeter
than I could’ve imagined. That’s not my mouth. Wow, that was great. You know what’s crazy?
I don’t even know your name. My real name is…
( moaning ) That was
my grandma’s nickname. I don’t want to
rush things, but I think I’m ready to spend the rest
of my life with you. What the hell? ( growling ) – No! Not again!
– ( laughing ) Sasquatch! – ( Jill gasping )
– Eddie: Pull my mustache. – Yeah. Yeah!
– Oh, that’s it.
That’s it. Faster, faster, faster!
Don’t stop. I’ll be the sandman!
I’ll be the sandman! ( Eddie grunting ) Oh, my– oh, yeah! ( grunting ) Oh, God,
turn the light out.Can you reach the light?