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The Karate Kid (NES) – Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

December 8, 2019


This game… is ASS… Fuck. Fuck! FUCK. Fuck… FUUCK! FFUUUCCKKK!! Fuck!! DIE! FUUCKKERRSS! [boom] Try to help me now man!? Well, let me be honest with you about this one. Oh boy. I hate this game. I mean, it makes me want to kill myself. Now, the only comforting thing to know is that everybody seems to share my frustration. Karate Kid is a game that has haunted many of our childhoods. I mean everybody has the same story: “I love the movie, so I got the Nintendo game,” “and I couldn’t stand it.” “Yet, I had to keep on playing it because I had to beat it.” So what is it about this game that’s drawn so many unfortunate kids to turn into bitter adults, reminiscing on their angry childhood? Screaming at the TV, throwing the controllers, I mean, anybody who has beaten this incredibly hard piece of shit will not have any sense of satisfaction, but rather regrets because it is a complete waste of fucking time. I mean, it’s like coming out of a brutal fight, being the winner, but achieving nothing for all your troubles, but some bloody bruises and broken bones. It’s just not worth it. The biggest problem is that the control is so awkward. You have to press up to jump which, doesn’t really help because you can only go straight up in the air. You got to be like, absolutely still, and if you touch an enemy you fly in the opposite direction! You can’t get close enough to really attack anybody. You die in every pit, and it’s so easy to fall into them. So every time you get hit near a pit, you’re basically dead. Level 1 is ridiculously easy. You just fight one-on-one, and then you kick the shit out of everybody and there you go you win. Do it again, and again. Now, Level 2 is where we get to the side-scrolling gameplay. It’s almost a ripoff of Kung Fu, but much worse. Every once in a while, there’s these stupid bonus stages, which are next to impossible. Man, I think it’s pretty safe to say that it would be easier to do this in real life. Now when you get to Level 3, there’s a typhoon, so the wind keeps pushing you back. And if that’s not enough, there’s these twigs and birds flying through the air. Every possible projectile hurts you and makes you fly back, and there’s pits everywhere. I hate this game, but why am I playing it? Well, that’s the question everyone has asked there selves, and they all have the same reason: Because you’re angry and you want to win. You want to beat the Nintendo. But the cold fact is that nobody cares, but you. Then you get to Level 4 and, holy shit, is it hard? You can’t get near anybody to attack them, and they all have these long spears that make you fly back. You can sometimes hit people when you’re walking uphill, but when you’re going down, you can’t really attack low enough to hit them. They’re all basically just bullying up on you, and they just knock you all around and there’s nothing you can do. And guess what? That’s the last level, and if you were expecting some big ending to be worth all your trouble, well, you’re wrong! The only thing that happens at the end is that Mr. Miyagi winks. What a piece of shit. I mean, I guess they decided because the games only 4 levels long, it better be the hardest 4 levels ever. Well how about this: How about if I made a game where there’s just this one cliff you have to jump over, and it’s like nearly impossible. But if you do it you win the game, and that’s it. I mean what the hell were they thinking with this piece of shit? What the hell? Now, if you’re a serious Nintendo collector, do yourself a favor. Don’t get this game because it’s not worth it. I mean, it’s made many lives miserable, and you know if you see it on sale for $1, just stay away. Don’t even touch it. [spit] [toilet flushing]

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