Articles

The Gamers: Natural One [1/3]

October 4, 2019


Guys, a little help here. No can do. I took an arrow to the neck and I’ve
been bleeding out for three rounds. [Dice rolling] And I just failed my third death check. [Death Rattle] If only our HEALER hadn’t died at the beginning of the fight because
he doesn’t know how to play his character! AGAIN! Face it Monica, your boyfriend SUCKS at gaming. Surrender elf! Your party is…smote. They’re all dead. And you could probably thank
your crappy healer for that. We’re done here. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! That was fun. You’re getting better.ish. And if we’re going to get married… We ARE going to get married. It’s not that simple. If you don’t understand gamers
you can’t understand me. That’s fine. But did you have to be such a dick
to our latest former game master? He insulted you and he broke
character just to do it. Which I deserved. My characters DO suck and
I’m not having any fun. Look… It may just be difficult for
you to grok at first but… …but you just haven’t had
your breakthrough moment yet. Having that Dire Anteater suck out my eyeballs
was nowhere near a breakthrough moment. It was super cool though. It was super cool! We’ll worry aobut it later. Worry about what later? You have to be at work tonight. So I’ll see you tomorrow night? Can I bring the Zorro costume? It’s Power Ranger night… Fine, you can briing the mask. I’ll see you later. [Muffled crowd noises] [Crashing] [Frantic Cheering] Can I buy this? Ummmm… Sorry, can’t help you this second.
We’re in the middle of Fight Club. [Thud!]
Owwww! Sorry, we’re in the middle of… [Thud!]
OWWWW! KNITTING CLUB! [Thud!]
Agh! SERIOUSLY?! I’m sorry, I panicked! [Thud!] I should go. [Wombaughian Laughter] Yeah Um… I’m afraid that’s not going to be possible. You see uh, Leo over here has just
broken the first two rules of, uh… Knitting Club. So… He’s our brother.
We can’t really punish him. And you… …have seen too much. I’M A BLEEDER! They’re foam. Defend yourself! [Gasp!] [Super cool ringtone]
Eh! Can you…sorry. Hello. Uh huh. I see. Knitting Club dismissed. Pack your bag Leo, we’re going to Canada. Why would we go to Canada of all places? I mean, look, I know… I told you my girlfriend lives there but I thought it was universally
understood that she is completely pretend. My sister lives there. Yes, Monica. So what? So, she’s getting married. Oh! Or so she thinks. You seriously think you can break
them up by gaming with them? Doesn’t matter what I think.
Alright? This guy is NOT a gamer. Alright? He’ll never pass The Trial. The Trial? It’s simple Leo. Wombaughs marry gamers. Period. No exceptions.
Why do you think that I’m still single? Because you look like David Tennant
had a baby with a balding ferret. Look. Either he passes the trial,
or he doesn’t marry my sister. This guy has no idea who he’s messing with. Just promise me that I won’t show
up to your place one day and be all “hey, nice couch!” “Is that leather?” “Uh, no. It’s the skin from the
Canadian guy I gamed with last year.” I make no promises. Unless you come with me. Who’s gonna run the store if I go with you? THE FAT GUY! Who’s gonna run the store if I go with you? I’ll pay your way. I’ll pay your expenses. I’ll pay for the fat guy’s overtime. Who’s gonna run the store if I go… OKAY! I get it. You’ve lost weight.
Alright? You look fabulous in skinny jeans. Way less like a sausage trying
to break out of its casing. Pack your god damned bag. I mean, cool car, stylin’ uniforms, AND the
scarriest bad guy was made out of marshmallows? Slayers have to deal with vampires and Hellmouth
and they’re constantly getting their clothes ruined. First of all the scarriest bad guy in Ghostbusters
was an evil god from another dimension manifesting himself AS a giant marshmallow. He’s so powerful he can be the business
end of a S’more and still kick ass. Besides… What about Slayers’ superpowers? All you need to defeat a Slayer is
a sexy male vampire with a soul. Or in the case of Blade…
the IRS. Ooooh! Um. Ryan, we need to talk. Oh my God, you’re breaking up with me? Fine, Ghostbuster! I’m so sorry. But it’s time. Time for what? [Muffled sounds of distress] The game…is CyberRun. The single most deadly Sci-Fi action
fantasy role playing game ever published. Ryan, this is my brother Gary. Gary, this is my
fiancé Ryan. I probably should have mentioned that over there. Monica, what the HELL?
I thought I was getting murdered. I’m Gary. Physical adept extraodinaire. This is our Decker. Dwarven Decker.
At your service. Decker? Let’s put it this way… I hack computers.With my mind. You leave bypassing any and
all security systems to moi! And you know my sister. Yes. Hi Monica. That’s player knowledge hon.
Be in character. I’m sorry. What are you?
Some sort of eye-meltingly hot elf? Mmmhmmmm. She is playing an Elven assassin.
And I… …will play a
STREET SAMURAI. But you’re the GM. And I’m also playing a character. Because I want to. Just don’t make the game all about YOUR
character. Otherwise Gary will probably kill you. “Probably” isn’t a word in my vocabulary. Until just now.
Damn. And that’s the crew! So I guess it means it’s time for… THE TRIAL… Wait for it. …OF INITIATION! Does that mean you can untie me now? I’ll allow it.

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