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November 16, 2019

W- Oh, this place is terrible!
M- Oh! This is our favorite mod! B- It’s fine, morons! M- No, no it’s fine look. We’ll just make an agreement (B- *laughs*) we’re not gonna be stupid the whole time. B- Hey, what’s up dude?
M- Hey, what’s going on, bro? B- Hey, listen up. M- Hey, Bob, um-
B- Yeah M- If you look behind me…if you look behind me J- It’s slowly getting away… M- If you look behind me… M- Just, you tell me if you see anything weird B- Okay, okay, you know what? I’m gonna go B- I’m gonna go piece by piece-
M- Alright B- I’m just gonna be meticulous
M- Alright, very meticulous,this is how we’re gonna make it
B- Cone? Cone seems normal. M- Alright B- Yeah, this trash can seems normal
M- I believe you B- Some – some bottles here. Actually, you know I kinda got stuck on this trash can, is that it? B- Is he the trash can?
M- I’ll give it a whack *whack*
W- GET OUT OF ME!! M- Nope, not him. B- This one’s moving, I’m pretty sure this one’s Wade. *Jack laughs*
J- Cars, cars don’t move, that’s just science. B- Ooh, they’re moving together! (M- Ooh, ooh!) B- Ooh, they are assimilating! M- *Oooh of arousal*
W- No! I didn’t ask for this! B- Play the sexy music!
J- Guys! Guys!
M- Uuunh, yeah! J- Guys, car goes in, car goes out. You can’t explain that! *Illumininehneh confirmidoo?*
B- Oh, s**t!
M- *waaaah* J- Oh f***!
B- Oh, my god, they really are *???* M- I didn’t – I didn’t think we’d get to see something this rare in our life Bob, this is incredible.
*X-Files theme stops* B- Alright, so which one are you?
M- Yeah, which one are you? W- I don’t know anymore! M- Are you the cone? B- Are you the cone that’s stuck on the front of the car?
M- Oh, he probably is! *badass rock music starts* B- Are you this f***ing cone!?
M- You this f***ing cone? M- Hey! Hey! Stop resisting! STOP RESISTING!
B- You can’t run mother f***er! B- You can’t run! M- Wrong neighborhood moother f***er! Get that cone! M- Get that f***ing cone! M- *RAWR* *RAWR* *RAAAAAWR!*
W- Nooooo! *badass rock music stops* B- You like that!?
M- You – you like dat!? You like dat!? (W- Yeah!) You like dat!? J- You guys got him, you got him! He’s already dead! B- This is a… low- key, low-key session we have goin’ on here. J- WHERE THE F***YOU GOIN’!? IS THAT YOU!? IS THAT YOU!?
M- *laughs* B- I’m afraid it’s gonna be too low-key. I just hope we get some good moments out of it, you know? M- Yeah.
J- I hope there’s some good Bits out of this map. M- *noises of disgust* Someone – *More noises* W- Oh there’ll be some good bits. M- I had a connection problem W- If you think it’s too low-key, wait till thi-
*Mark is in pain* M- Don’t, please, I had a connection issue! I am continuing to have connection issues J- Sure! ‘Connection issues.’ M- I… I swear! I- Are you moving? ‘Cause I can’t see s**t! M- Am I moving? Am I moving?
J- *laughs* Yeah. J- You’re a barrel.
W- You are no- you ran over an innocent watermelon! M- Oh, yeah *surprise noise!* Oh, hi! Hello! W- Hi. M- Uhh, well- J- Was the connection problem in your brain by any chance?
M- I can’t-I can neither confirm nor deny J- We’ll go look for Bob, you find a- you find a spot
M- Okay M- Thank you for *laughs* your – your graciousness.
W- Wait, wait! No, no they l- didn’t let me get a spot when I was a car in a car! B- You were stuck. Yeah, we murdered the-
M- You were a cone! B- s**t out of you, you stupid cone.
M- Yeah, you ca- cone! *laughing taunt* M- What the?
J- What the f***?
*all laugh* M- Someone really thought our jokes were funny there! B- Some guy on the server just laughin’, I don’t know! *groovy tune taunt* J- Oh f*** yeah! *Sings along to the groovy tune* *surprise noise!* M- Oh! Ah! Hi. Okay, well, look, alright. Uhh-
J- COME ON MAN!! M- I’m having a connection issue!
B- *laughing* W- Ohhh god. B- *laughing A Lot* M- I jus- Y’know, I *stammers*
W- We’ll find him in here somewhere.
B- No, No I’m not M- I feel like I just have a better chance if I just stay out in the open, so that’s what I’ll do. M- How do you do the taunts? B- f3
*Yaaaaaay taunt* *laughter*
W- Yaaaaay! B- Are you outside? M- I’m still inside M- I-I decided to hide in the open because I didn’t think that my-my skill set was adequate enough to actually hide J- You’re in these rooms, but I don’t know- J- What the f*** was that? W- Don’t leave!
M- Welcome to my office! *clears throat* How are you doing? J- Why ‘ndn’t!- I almost didn’t see you, you perfectly blended in with the couch furniture M- Oh, it’s ’cause I wasn’t like this – wait – cuz I wasn’t like this. W- ARE YOU ONE OF THESE, BOB!?
M- I wasn’t really-
J- Ahh, I see. J- It’s like an optical illusion! M- I know, right.
B- No, Mark, if you aim the right way, I think you could line up your stripes.
M- Yeah M- I’m trying to, it’s very finicky. It doesn’t want to rotate quite right. It’s very sticky
B- Maybe jump? B- Jump real quick? Yeah, there you go. Perfect!
M- There we go, okay there we go.
J- See, Wade, he’s here, but I can’t see him! M- Right there, okay, I’m locked. (B- Look at that!) You can’t see- (W- I saw something for a moment right here!) wait, no. That’s a gaping butthole! J- He’s the couch! *all laugh* J- Wade, Wade, Wade, Wade, turn around – turn around real quick. Turn around, face away. (M- me?) OTHER DIRECTION WADE! (M- oh, sorry!) *all laughing* J- Oh, f*** me!
M- *creepily* yes, yes! M- I mean, not for the f***ing. (B- *laughing*) I was like, ‘He’s having trouble’ M- In my brain, I went, “Hah! he’s having trouble!”
B?- ‘Good! Yes, good! I’m coming!’ W- Wait, how do you taunt? M & J- f3.
B- Alt f4. B & M- *evil laugh* J- Wade is very popular in Amsterdam M- Uh, uh…hookers! he’s a hooker!
B- He’s a watermelon. (W- Druuugs?) We all know how the Dutch love their watermelon.
M- They do, that they do. M- I h- I-I am lagging everywh- Okay, welp, I’m glad I could help! M- It’s just like every single step I take it’s a connection problem. I don’t know what’s going on guys, M- I’m having trouble.
J- The game – the game’s protecting you from yourself.
M- No!!! M- Probably, but that’s not… okay. I am floating above my body (Wade) M- UUUUUUUUUUUH M- My brai – I – YUUH M- You go- UUUH, why am I here now? B- *laughing W- Bad internet! *over-the-top imitation of Mark’s screams/moans* M- I cant! Guu – Oh my god B- It’s OK, Mark. (W- I just learned here’s a door here!) I’ve got a hell of a spot here, definitely gonna win
M- Okay. I can’t do anything right B- I’ll just do it all, don’t worry about it buddy M- You know what, that’s probably, Ugh- wait no- wait- yes! M-YES B- *laughs* J- Are things finally going your way? M- *Laughs* Coming up mark now. It’s weal (real) good guys. J- *Gasps* You’re a Wade! Aghhhh- (M- *laughs*) (B- Oh shit) J- I thought that- I thought that was one of you guys (W- Ha ha! I’m God!) (M- *still laughing*) B- Oh shit M- Surprise, I was yOu the whole time W- How many times did you steal my joke on tour, Mark? M- It- It was MY joke! What are you- W- NO, THAT IS NOT YOUR JOKE! (B- *laughs*) M- YOU RECITED IT SO MUCH, YOU’VE MADE IT YOUR JOKE IN YOUR MIND! W- THAT WAS MY JOKE ALL ALONG!! M- NO YOU DIDN’T! I WAS (J- Oh my /God/) (W- YOU DON’T GET CREDIT FOR THAT) I WAS THE ONE- ugh M- I was the one that was like that- I said “you know what my favourite joke is-”
(B unintelligible attempt to explain argument to J) M- like the pulling a mask off, and then you started doing it! And you can’t-
W- No, I was already doing it- W- ‘Nd you’re like “hey Wade my favorite thing that you do is the pulling the- W- mask off-
(W- unintelligible to J) B- Hey-
J- Guys? Uh- you do realize the audience watching weren’t there? J- Maybe? And I wasn’t there so- M- This isn’t about yooou! This isn’t about Bob! M- Wait, Bob, you can clear this up! (W- *laughing*) B- If you want in on this Amazing action (W- *giggling*) B- Go to tour.markiplier.com for tickets (M & W- *laughing*) B- Coming to a city near you! *getting quieter* Unless you live in the United States M- I will slice you in half. W- Uhh, he’s a car…? [explosion] (M- Fff-woah) J- Kay, you’re not a saw blade then. *giggles* J- Oo! Magic ball! *mysterious noise*
M- That didn’t sound good. J- “Your health was reduced by 20 HP-” (W- Aw, fUCK) M- *giggling*
J- F**** B & M- *laughing* (B- *laughing) J- Hate this game! (M- *laughing*) J- This game hates me! M- All right well does that mean (B- Alright-) that I might be able to give you a run for your money? B- Uhhh- I am made…
W- Alright, Jack- B- Of…uhhhh W- I got this B- Uh- Brown! how about that? Brown.
M- I am also brown. Slightly rusted. J- So are you a saw blade?
M- Yes.
B- I’m a box! J- Whet de- whet de- whet de- but I shot all the saw blades! M- Maybe I wasn’t That one [unknown]- Oo- Uh-
W- WH- WHAT DID I HIT? B- How’d you kill yourself? (W- I DON’T KNOW!)
M- Oh my god, connection problem! M- I’ll cut ye in half! I’m not even anywhere near you guys.
W- Noooooo! J- Yeah, what the f***!
M- I- I- J- Where were you?
M- I don’t know! (B- I conquered Wade!) I was underneath the trolley, that’s what I was. M- That was my hilarious joke! W- It was never yours! M- You’re not mine, either! W- You’re damn right! J- You’re not my real dad! W- His, the whole time!
B- Calm down there, fellers M- All right, Wade-
B- Everyone sucks equally, don’t worry about it.
M- Why don’t you just put your ass out in the open where I can shoot it? B- oh, that’s you.
M- your big ass
J- Yeah, guys? J- You know what? I’ve had a change of heart; don’t think I’m gonna come to the London show anymore M- No! You are gonna be there so you can settle this for us! (W- Yeah!) We’re both gonna do the joke- M- and you’re gonna look-
W- If you come to that show, you’ll know who told the joke first! M- Exactly you’re gonna look at both of us do the joke over and over and you can t- until you can tell who’s been doing it longer! J- Yeah, we’ll ju- we’ll just kick everybody else out. I’ll sit in the middle of the auditorium
M- *laughs* J- Do it! No, again! J- Are your prop hunting skills as good as your jokes?
M- Yes, and they’re amazing! M- So there!
J- Both of those things! M- I won that argument! (J- *laughing*) Handily! B- Wh- is this (J- hohohoho-) always like this? Is that- M- Woah! What? (W- Helloooo, it’s me) (J- The f***!) M- Boy- j- oh okay *giggling*
W- Welp, okay *All laughing*
J- Wade! *All laughing*
J- What the f***? M- I thought I was having a connection error so I was like- M- (W- *laughing*) “Are my bullets working?”
J- Yeah, I can see it through the wall! *All laughing* M- I was j- “all jeeze, connection error” (W- *laughing*)
B- Woaaaaaah B- Somebody got real upset at this chair.
W- You didn’t give me a chance to say anything- W- You were just like “Woah- a GHOST!” M- I just- well I mean I shot and then I wasn’t sure so I shot some more! W- Well, you- yeah you kept shooting! For a while! (M- *laughing*) M- ‘Nd you just, like, uh, “heey, it’s me-“(W & M- *giggling*) like what am I supposed to think? M- Wait, hang on. There’s an orb. Got it- 50 health points! M- Awesome!
W- Why do you get good things? M- *huff* I can’t move, I’ve got connection issues M- Alright, I’ve got extra health and I can’t move so I’m just gonna start shooting things! B- Oh! Oh
W- *laughing* Well!
M- Never mind! *All laughing* J- I’m ready to do this! W- (B- *laughing*) So I fully thought that was gonna be Mark that got the kill as I watch that happen! *All laughing*
W- “I’m gonna start shootin’ things! Bu-bu-bu-bu-bum B- I- I’ll be on your team I swear! Just look I- I’m cool!
M- That doesn’t sound fair at all J- Breach and clear, Wade, breach and clear
W- *talking over J* That’s pretty suspicious
B- I assure you- J- Breach and clear, Wade
B- that this is Mark
W- Breach and clear? all right, if Mark’s in here, Bob W- THEN WE’LL GET RID OF HIM
M- No Bob, how could you betray me with- ugh- M- Identifying exactly what I am?
W- I’m sorry, Bob, I was told to breach and clear- W- [unintelligible] I need to do
B- That’s not what breaching and clearing is, just to be- (J- Yeah, I-)
W- I cleared by breaching with my explosives B- just to be /clear/: B- you’re an idiot. M- That does check out, that story checks J- Yeah, that- that does (B- *laughing*)
W- Alright, so I am, it was me the whole time! M- No, my joke! My joke!
B- Oh, god. Oh no.
W- /My/ joke! M- It’s MY joke!
B- You both need to stop it- B- it’s no one’s joke!
J- It’s a terrible joke!
M- It’s not! It’s hilarious every time! W- Spectate this
J- Mark, we need a hint!
M- All right, I’m a cinder block *laughing* B- *laughing*
J- That’s. Not a hint. *laughing* M- *laughing* Uh, shit- M- *giggling* I- I’m sorry B- Uhhhh, I bet you one cinder block you can’t find Mark
B- *laughing* M- You’ll never get me!
J- [unintelligible] M- WOOOOOOOOOOOO
W- He’s right here
J- Missed M- I’M A B- AAAAAA
B- What were you doing?? B- *laughing*
M- You’ll never hit me! (W- Oh, that’s another barrel) My lag protects me! M- I’ve got the power of lag and anime on my side!
W- Which barrel is he?! *All laughing*
M- Hey, get that ball behind you! M- Hey, that ball looks really enticing! M- You see that ball? *panting* J- No? Oo, I want that ball! M- *panting* There’s another green ball over here!
B- There’s another one- there’s another over where Mark’s at now. W- WH-
B- Get the green one. M- Uuhh
W- I died by the force??
*All laughing* J- I am hit him so many times! WHY ARE YOU NOT DEAD??
B- *talking over* For God’s sake! *laughing* M- *screaming*
W- I just keeled over!! [unintelligible yells of victory/defeat]
W- YES! A second win!!
*laughing* B- (M- *giggling*) Wade, you died by walking around, (W- I KNOW) I don’t know why you were celebrating J & M- *giggling* W- *dejected* Shuut up
J- He died by existing (B- *laughing*) M- Mmmkay
B- This barrel is knocked over, is that normal? M- Wait- pffffffbt
J- Oh, shit
B- What’s goin on with- M- *laughing*
B- 2 of the barrels over here?! M- Bob I just want you see this? We’re gonna- I’m gonna give another chance, just M & W- *laughing*
B- Wait wait wait! B- Is this, uh, is this like your ca- your sales counter? What’d’ya got? (J- *horrified gasping*)
M- *laughing* Yeah, what’d’ya got? B- How much is one of these?
W- We-well, we’ve got The Drugs
J- Oh nooo, oh /noooo/ J- Oh nooo
M- Uhh, (W- Thank you) how ’bout- (J- I’m fine.) can I get one of those? B- Yeah-
M- Is it a buy one get one? J- I’m fine
W- Thank you, uhhh
B- Don’t worry, Jack, we’re not even playing the game J- (M- *giggling*) Okay, cuz apparently neither am I
W- I think you’re making a mess my my store. What are you doing? B- We’re giving you things to sell us. Take these things-
M- Take these things- (W- Oo!)
B- Can I- can we land a cone on his head? M- Try- then we can steal all his shit! Just like Sky-ram [Skyrim]!
W- No! B- Ooo
J- Kill ’em!
W- Wait, that’s how you kill in Skyrim? W- Can you put-
B- *gasping*
M- Well- well- *laughing* B- Don’t. F***in’. Move.
M- Don’t you f***ing move *laughing*
J- *giggling* W- *giggling*
B- I have- I have a plan, hang on B- I’ve got a- I’ve got a follow-up to this unbelievably funny idea
M- All right, I’m ready for this B- It’s gonna happen, are you ready?
M- This is gonna work B- This is absolutely gonna work
M- I’m not M- If it doesn’t I’ll shoot him right in the face, okay?
B- Okay- he- Ha! B- IT DIDN’T WORK
M- YOU F***IN ASSHOLE *giggling* M- (J- *laughing*) Where’d you go??
W- Ah hah! Which one am I? M- Oh no!
W- Not the only one standing up! B & M- *laughing* W- Ah hah! (B- *laughing*) Can’t find me can you?
B- Oh no, Mark, which one is he?? M- I dunno! Huh!
W- Hidden! W- Hidden!
M- Huh! M- Nope!
W- Oo, I’m the floating one! (M- *giggling*) Wooooo! B- *laughing*
W- Woooooooooo! W- Knock you, I will! (M- *laughing*)
B- Ookay M- All right, let’s tone it down there, Mr. Cone Man M- Oh!
B- That’s, uh, that’s enough of that, sir B- If you-
W- Oh! B- Sir, if you could please- /sir/
M- Sorry *giggling* M- All right, time to get serious now that the asshole went away W & B- *laughing* M- Oh-
*All laughing* J- Uhm- (*all laughing*) w- well it wasn’t- it wasn’t ME
W- *cough-laughing* B- Wait, is this one you?
M- Wait, how- J- UHM
B- Oh, /this/ one’s you
M- Wait, yeah, wait- oh! M- Oh- oh!
J- I- I- I M- Oh! Oh!
J- /Oh God/
W- *cough-laughing*
B- Ohh! J- WuUUHM
M- Oh, uH
B- Weird! J- UUUHM
M & W- *laughing* J- You somehow made an immovable object move /through things/
B- Here wait- wait, wait, Mark I have an idea, I have a game B- I have a game
M- Yeah, yeah, I think I agree M- I agree
W- *giggling* M- No no no! We got a better game, we got a better game
B- No no no, it’s basketball! B- Awww!
J- Aw, so close! M- Aww- AWWW
J- Yeah!- AW, off the rim!
B- Aww, that’s-
W- Ooh! J- Close! Hup!
B- Almost, almost, I got this
M- Kobe! B- *laughing*
M- Awww!
J- They don’t- they don’t go in! M- It’s like they don’t go in! W- Kobe!
J- They roll off! W- Cinder block? That’s not how you play!
B- Mark! Mark, pass- pass me the brick! M- All right, here you go- euh! B- That’s- that’s literally not the- M- Oh, the- oh, I thought you- (W & B- *laughing*) I thought it was like- that was like colloquialism for basketball. I thought- I thought I was being hip and cool B- No, like, the brick- gimme the- B- You know what-
M- You want the brick?? (*all giggling*) M- Sorry??
B- It’s not important M- How ’bout this one??
B- It’s not important! B- No, you know- just- you’re making it. worse
J- Just put something in me! B- Can you still do the exploit where you can climb with- with, uh, things infinitely if you stand on them?
W- Oo, good question J- Aww. Oh!
B- Mark! M- HUBUBUBUBUBU- ah shit
[unintelligible attempts to get Mark’s attention] B- *laughing*
W- What the- *laughing* Wh-h-h?
M- *noises* *all laughing*
M- Am I doin’ it?? M- Am I doin’ it?? M- Am I doin’ it?? B & W- *laughing* J- Yeees! B & W- *laughing*
M- I think I’m doin’ it, guys- YES!
J- You are SO doing it! B- Wait, Jack, I’m gonna free you! B- I’m gonna free you from your prison of. Sadness. J- Ah. Ah!
B- Hang on-
M- *panting* W- Woah!
J- Can I be freed? J- I am not even stuck- I’m not even on the wall anymore!
B- Oh no.. Oh no!
M- Uh! UH! M- I act- (B- Mark, what’s happening to us?) I can’t move- I can’t move-
J- YAY (W- You did it!) J & W- *sounds of success* B- Mark are we taking a bath together right now?
M- I am not in the bath, but I’ll say yes

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  1. “have you thought about getting better than baseline internet packages”

    “bUUUUUHHHHAAAAAAHAHAH- mY bRaiN- (incoherent mark noises)”

    “did i bLow yoUr miND tHeRe”

  2. Mark: I've got the power of lag and anime on my side!
    Wade: Which barrel is he?!

    You said the power of lag and anime

  3. For those coming from A Heist with Markiplier and got the "Shoot Wade" Ending, the whole "It was MY Joke!" starts at 6:21

  4. Can i just give props to the caption guy for this video. Nice job, it actually replicated and portrayed the video accurately.

  5. Did you watch this episode of Prop Hunt before watching A Heist with Markiplier and discovering all the endings? If you did, click on Read more.

    So, you know those losers that doesn't know the joke Mark and Wade were talking? Wait, were you one of the losers? Then, why the h*** did you click on Read more?

  6. “But I was you the whole time” – REWATCHING THIS FUCKING VIDEO AND HERE’S MARK MAKING A REFERENCE THAT NOBODY GOT I just got my mind blown ?

  7. Ah, yes… it was "my joke" all along… A Heist with Markiplier! Check it out now! lol

    Yes, I am advertising Mark's more recent video that references this video… now… Random person looking through the comments for what ever reason… Go find that ending! 😀

  8. I was so happy to see a reference to this "argument" in AHWM. IDK what it was but Mark get just so overly into defending his stance on it always made me laugh.

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