W- Oh, this place is terrible!
M- Oh! This is our favorite mod! B- It’s fine, morons! M- No, no it’s fine look. We’ll just make an agreement (B- *laughs*) we’re not gonna be stupid the whole time. B- Hey, what’s up dude?
M- Hey, what’s going on, bro? B- Hey, listen up. M- Hey, Bob, um-
B- Yeah M- If you look behind me…if you look behind me J- It’s slowly getting away… M- If you look behind me… M- Just, you tell me if you see anything weird B- Okay, okay, you know what? I’m gonna go B- I’m gonna go piece by piece-
M- Alright B- I’m just gonna be meticulous
M- Alright, very meticulous,this is how we’re gonna make it
B- Cone? Cone seems normal. M- Alright B- Yeah, this trash can seems normal
M- I believe you B- Some – some bottles here. Actually, you know I kinda got stuck on this trash can, is that it? B- Is he the trash can?
M- I’ll give it a whack *whack*
W- GET OUT OF ME!! M- Nope, not him. B- This one’s moving, I’m pretty sure this one’s Wade. *Jack laughs*
J- Cars, cars don’t move, that’s just science. B- Ooh, they’re moving together! (M- Ooh, ooh!) B- Ooh, they are assimilating! M- *Oooh of arousal*
W- No! I didn’t ask for this! B- Play the sexy music!
J- Guys! Guys!
M- Uuunh, yeah! J- Guys, car goes in, car goes out. You can’t explain that! *Illumininehneh confirmidoo?*
B- Oh, s**t!
M- *waaaah* J- Oh f***!
B- Oh, my god, they really are *???* M- I didn’t – I didn’t think we’d get to see something this rare in our life Bob, this is incredible.
*X-Files theme stops* B- Alright, so which one are you?
M- Yeah, which one are you? W- I don’t know anymore! M- Are you the cone? B- Are you the cone that’s stuck on the front of the car?
M- Oh, he probably is! *badass rock music starts* B- Are you this f***ing cone!?
M- You this f***ing cone? M- Hey! Hey! Stop resisting! STOP RESISTING!
B- You can’t run mother f***er! B- You can’t run! M- Wrong neighborhood moother f***er! Get that cone! M- Get that f***ing cone! M- *RAWR* *RAWR* *RAAAAAWR!*
W- Nooooo! *badass rock music stops* B- You like that!?
M- You – you like dat!? You like dat!? (W- Yeah!) You like dat!? J- You guys got him, you got him! He’s already dead! B- This is a… low- key, low-key session we have goin’ on here. J- WHERE THE F***YOU GOIN’!? IS THAT YOU!? IS THAT YOU!?
M- *laughs* B- I’m afraid it’s gonna be too low-key. I just hope we get some good moments out of it, you know? M- Yeah.
J- I hope there’s some good Bits out of this map. M- *noises of disgust* Someone – *More noises* W- Oh there’ll be some good bits. M- I had a connection problem W- If you think it’s too low-key, wait till thi-
*Mark is in pain* M- Don’t, please, I had a connection issue! I am continuing to have connection issues J- Sure! ‘Connection issues.’ M- I… I swear! I- Are you moving? ‘Cause I can’t see s**t! M- Am I moving? Am I moving?
J- *laughs* Yeah. J- You’re a barrel.
W- You are no- you ran over an innocent watermelon! M- Oh, yeah *surprise noise!* Oh, hi! Hello! W- Hi. M- Uhh, well- J- Was the connection problem in your brain by any chance?
M- I can’t-I can neither confirm nor deny J- We’ll go look for Bob, you find a- you find a spot
M- Okay M- Thank you for *laughs* your – your graciousness.
W- Wait, wait! No, no they l- didn’t let me get a spot when I was a car in a car! B- You were stuck. Yeah, we murdered the-
M- You were a cone! B- s**t out of you, you stupid cone.
M- Yeah, you ca- cone! *laughing taunt* M- What the?
J- What the f***?
*all laugh* M- Someone really thought our jokes were funny there! B- Some guy on the server just laughin’, I don’t know! *groovy tune taunt* J- Oh f*** yeah! *Sings along to the groovy tune* *surprise noise!* M- Oh! Ah! Hi. Okay, well, look, alright. Uhh-
J- COME ON MAN!! M- I’m having a connection issue!
B- *laughing* W- Ohhh god. B- *laughing A Lot* M- I jus- Y’know, I *stammers*
W- We’ll find him in here somewhere.
B- No, No I’m not M- I feel like I just have a better chance if I just stay out in the open, so that’s what I’ll do. M- How do you do the taunts? B- f3
*Yaaaaaay taunt* *laughter*
W- Yaaaaay! B- Are you outside? M- I’m still inside M- I-I decided to hide in the open because I didn’t think that my-my skill set was adequate enough to actually hide J- You’re in these rooms, but I don’t know- J- What the f*** was that? W- Don’t leave!
M- Welcome to my office! *clears throat* How are you doing? J- Why ‘ndn’t!- I almost didn’t see you, you perfectly blended in with the couch furniture M- Oh, it’s ’cause I wasn’t like this – wait – cuz I wasn’t like this. W- ARE YOU ONE OF THESE, BOB!?
M- I wasn’t really-
J- Ahh, I see. J- It’s like an optical illusion! M- I know, right.
B- No, Mark, if you aim the right way, I think you could line up your stripes.
M- Yeah M- I’m trying to, it’s very finicky. It doesn’t want to rotate quite right. It’s very sticky
B- Maybe jump? B- Jump real quick? Yeah, there you go. Perfect!
M- There we go, okay there we go.
J- See, Wade, he’s here, but I can’t see him! M- Right there, okay, I’m locked. (B- Look at that!) You can’t see- (W- I saw something for a moment right here!) wait, no. That’s a gaping butthole! J- He’s the couch! *all laugh* J- Wade, Wade, Wade, Wade, turn around – turn around real quick. Turn around, face away. (M- me?) OTHER DIRECTION WADE! (M- oh, sorry!) *all laughing* J- Oh, f*** me!
M- *creepily* yes, yes! M- I mean, not for the f***ing. (B- *laughing*) I was like, ‘He’s having trouble’ M- In my brain, I went, “Hah! he’s having trouble!”
B?- ‘Good! Yes, good! I’m coming!’ W- Wait, how do you taunt? M & J- f3.
B- Alt f4. B & M- *evil laugh* J- Wade is very popular in Amsterdam M- Uh, uh…hookers! he’s a hooker!
B- He’s a watermelon. (W- Druuugs?) We all know how the Dutch love their watermelon.
M- They do, that they do. M- I h- I-I am lagging everywh- Okay, welp, I’m glad I could help! M- It’s just like every single step I take it’s a connection problem. I don’t know what’s going on guys, M- I’m having trouble.
J- The game – the game’s protecting you from yourself.
M- No!!! M- Probably, but that’s not… okay. I am floating above my body (Wade) M- UUUUUUUUUUUH M- My brai – I – YUUH M- You go- UUUH, why am I here now? B- *laughing W- Bad internet! *over-the-top imitation of Mark’s screams/moans* M- I cant! Guu – Oh my god B- It’s OK, Mark. (W- I just learned here’s a door here!) I’ve got a hell of a spot here, definitely gonna win
M- Okay. I can’t do anything right B- I’ll just do it all, don’t worry about it buddy M- You know what, that’s probably, Ugh- wait no- wait- yes! M-YES B- *laughs* J- Are things finally going your way? M- *Laughs* Coming up mark now. It’s weal (real) good guys. J- *Gasps* You’re a Wade! Aghhhh- (M- *laughs*) (B- Oh shit) J- I thought that- I thought that was one of you guys (W- Ha ha! I’m God!) (M- *still laughing*) B- Oh shit M- Surprise, I was yOu the whole time W- How many times did you steal my joke on tour, Mark? M- It- It was MY joke! What are you- W- NO, THAT IS NOT YOUR JOKE! (B- *laughs*) M- YOU RECITED IT SO MUCH, YOU’VE MADE IT YOUR JOKE IN YOUR MIND! W- THAT WAS MY JOKE ALL ALONG!! M- NO YOU DIDN’T! I WAS (J- Oh my /God/) (W- YOU DON’T GET CREDIT FOR THAT) I WAS THE ONE- ugh M- I was the one that was like that- I said “you know what my favourite joke is-”
(B unintelligible attempt to explain argument to J) M- like the pulling a mask off, and then you started doing it! And you can’t-
W- No, I was already doing it- W- ‘Nd you’re like “hey Wade my favorite thing that you do is the pulling the- W- mask off-
M- THAT’S NOT AT ALL WHAT I DID W- THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU H-(*unintelligible*)
M- I SAID THAT WAS- M- MY. FAVOURITE JOKE.
(W- unintelligible to J) B- Hey-
J- Guys? Uh- you do realize the audience watching weren’t there? J- Maybe? And I wasn’t there so- M- This isn’t about yooou! This isn’t about Bob! M- Wait, Bob, you can clear this up! (W- *laughing*) B- If you want in on this Amazing action (W- *giggling*) B- Go to tour.markiplier.com for tickets (M & W- *laughing*) B- Coming to a city near you! *getting quieter* Unless you live in the United States M- I will slice you in half. W- Uhh, he’s a car…? [explosion] (M- Fff-woah) J- Kay, you’re not a saw blade then. *giggles* J- Oo! Magic ball! *mysterious noise*
M- That didn’t sound good. J- “Your health was reduced by 20 HP-” (W- Aw, fUCK) M- *giggling*
J- F**** B & M- *laughing* (B- *laughing) J- Hate this game! (M- *laughing*) J- This game hates me! M- All right well does that mean (B- Alright-) that I might be able to give you a run for your money? B- Uhhh- I am made…
W- Alright, Jack- B- Of…uhhhh W- I got this B- Uh- Brown! how about that? Brown.
M- I am also brown. Slightly rusted. J- So are you a saw blade?
B- I’m a box! J- Whet de- whet de- whet de- but I shot all the saw blades! M- Maybe I wasn’t That one [unknown]- Oo- Uh-
W- WH- WHAT DID I HIT? B- How’d you kill yourself? (W- I DON’T KNOW!)
M- Oh my god, connection problem! M- I’ll cut ye in half! I’m not even anywhere near you guys.
W- Noooooo! J- Yeah, what the f***!
M- I- I- J- Where were you?
M- I don’t know! (B- I conquered Wade!) I was underneath the trolley, that’s what I was. M- That was my hilarious joke! W- It was never yours! M- You’re not mine, either! W- You’re damn right! J- You’re not my real dad! W- His, the whole time!
B- Calm down there, fellers M- All right, Wade-
B- Everyone sucks equally, don’t worry about it.
M- Why don’t you just put your ass out in the open where I can shoot it? B- oh, that’s you.
M- your big ass
J- Yeah, guys? J- You know what? I’ve had a change of heart; don’t think I’m gonna come to the London show anymore M- No! You are gonna be there so you can settle this for us! (W- Yeah!) We’re both gonna do the joke- M- and you’re gonna look-
W- If you come to that show, you’ll know who told the joke first! M- Exactly you’re gonna look at both of us do the joke over and over and you can t- until you can tell who’s been doing it longer! J- Yeah, we’ll ju- we’ll just kick everybody else out. I’ll sit in the middle of the auditorium
M- *laughs* J- Do it! No, again! J- Are your prop hunting skills as good as your jokes?
M- Yes, and they’re amazing! M- So there!
J- Both of those things! M- I won that argument! (J- *laughing*) Handily! B- Wh- is this (J- hohohoho-) always like this? Is that- M- Woah! What? (W- Helloooo, it’s me) (J- The f***!) M- Boy- j- oh okay *giggling*
W- Welp, okay *All laughing*
J- Wade! *All laughing*
J- What the f***? M- I thought I was having a connection error so I was like- M- (W- *laughing*) “Are my bullets working?”
J- Yeah, I can see it through the wall! *All laughing* M- I was j- “all jeeze, connection error” (W- *laughing*)
B- Woaaaaaah B- Somebody got real upset at this chair.
W- You didn’t give me a chance to say anything- W- You were just like “Woah- a GHOST!” M- I just- well I mean I shot and then I wasn’t sure so I shot some more! W- Well, you- yeah you kept shooting! For a while! (M- *laughing*) M- ‘Nd you just, like, uh, “heey, it’s me-“(W & M- *giggling*) like what am I supposed to think? M- Wait, hang on. There’s an orb. Got it- 50 health points! M- Awesome!
W- Why do you get good things? M- *huff* I can’t move, I’ve got connection issues M- Alright, I’ve got extra health and I can’t move so I’m just gonna start shooting things! B- Oh! Oh
W- *laughing* Well!
M- Never mind! *All laughing* J- I’m ready to do this! W- (B- *laughing*) So I fully thought that was gonna be Mark that got the kill as I watch that happen! *All laughing*
W- “I’m gonna start shootin’ things! Bu-bu-bu-bu-bum B- I- I’ll be on your team I swear! Just look I- I’m cool!
M- That doesn’t sound fair at all J- Breach and clear, Wade, breach and clear
W- *talking over J* That’s pretty suspicious
B- I assure you- J- Breach and clear, Wade
B- that this is Mark
W- Breach and clear? all right, if Mark’s in here, Bob W- THEN WE’LL GET RID OF HIM
M- No Bob, how could you betray me with- ugh- M- Identifying exactly what I am?
W- I’m sorry, Bob, I was told to breach and clear- W- [unintelligible] I need to do
B- That’s not what breaching and clearing is, just to be- (J- Yeah, I-)
W- I cleared by breaching with my explosives B- just to be /clear/: B- you’re an idiot. M- That does check out, that story checks J- Yeah, that- that does (B- *laughing*)
W- Alright, so I am, it was me the whole time! M- No, my joke! My joke!
B- Oh, god. Oh no.
W- /My/ joke! M- It’s MY joke!
B- You both need to stop it- B- it’s no one’s joke!
J- It’s a terrible joke!
M- It’s not! It’s hilarious every time! W- Spectate this
J- Mark, we need a hint!
M- All right, I’m a cinder block *laughing* B- *laughing*
J- That’s. Not a hint. *laughing* M- *laughing* Uh, shit- M- *giggling* I- I’m sorry B- Uhhhh, I bet you one cinder block you can’t find Mark
M- Okay- M- N-DUHUHUHUH
B- *laughing* M- You’ll never get me!
J- [unintelligible] M- WOOOOOOOOOOOO
W- He’s right here
J- Missed M- I’M A B- AAAAAA
B- What were you doing?? B- *laughing*
M- You’ll never hit me! (W- Oh, that’s another barrel) My lag protects me! M- I’ve got the power of lag and anime on my side!
W- Which barrel is he?! *All laughing*
M- Hey, get that ball behind you! M- Hey, that ball looks really enticing! M- You see that ball? *panting* J- No? Oo, I want that ball! M- *panting* There’s another green ball over here!
B- There’s another one- there’s another over where Mark’s at now. W- WH-
B- Get the green one. M- Uuhh
W- I died by the force??
*All laughing* J- I am hit him so many times! WHY ARE YOU NOT DEAD??
B- *talking over* For God’s sake! *laughing* M- *screaming*
W- I just keeled over!! [unintelligible yells of victory/defeat]
W- YES! A second win!!
*laughing* B- (M- *giggling*) Wade, you died by walking around, (W- I KNOW) I don’t know why you were celebrating J & M- *giggling* W- *dejected* Shuut up
J- He died by existing (B- *laughing*) M- Mmmkay
B- This barrel is knocked over, is that normal? M- Wait- pffffffbt
J- Oh, shit
B- What’s goin on with- M- *laughing*
B- 2 of the barrels over here?! M- Bob I just want you see this? We’re gonna- I’m gonna give another chance, just M & W- *laughing*
B- Wait wait wait! B- Is this, uh, is this like your ca- your sales counter? What’d’ya got? (J- *horrified gasping*)
M- *laughing* Yeah, what’d’ya got? B- How much is one of these?
W- We-well, we’ve got The Drugs
J- Oh nooo, oh /noooo/ J- Oh nooo
M- Uhh, (W- Thank you) how ’bout- (J- I’m fine.) can I get one of those? B- Yeah-
M- Is it a buy one get one? J- I’m fine
W- Thank you, uhhh
B- Don’t worry, Jack, we’re not even playing the game J- (M- *giggling*) Okay, cuz apparently neither am I
W- I think you’re making a mess my my store. What are you doing? B- We’re giving you things to sell us. Take these things-
M- Take these things- (W- Oo!)
B- Can I- can we land a cone on his head? M- Try- then we can steal all his shit! Just like Sky-ram [Skyrim]!
W- No! B- Ooo
J- Kill ’em!
W- Wait, that’s how you kill in Skyrim? W- Can you put-
M- Well- well- *laughing* B- Don’t. F***in’. Move.
M- Don’t you f***ing move *laughing*
J- *giggling* W- *giggling*
B- I have- I have a plan, hang on B- I’ve got a- I’ve got a follow-up to this unbelievably funny idea
M- All right, I’m ready for this B- It’s gonna happen, are you ready?
M- This is gonna work B- This is absolutely gonna work
M- I’m not M- If it doesn’t I’ll shoot him right in the face, okay?
B- Okay- he- Ha! B- IT DIDN’T WORK
M- YOU F***IN ASSHOLE *giggling* M- (J- *laughing*) Where’d you go??
W- Ah hah! Which one am I? M- Oh no!
W- Not the only one standing up! B & M- *laughing* W- Ah hah! (B- *laughing*) Can’t find me can you?
B- Oh no, Mark, which one is he?? M- I dunno! Huh!
W- Hidden! W- Hidden!
M- Huh! M- Nope!
W- Oo, I’m the floating one! (M- *giggling*) Wooooo! B- *laughing*
W- Woooooooooo! W- Knock you, I will! (M- *laughing*)
B- Ookay M- All right, let’s tone it down there, Mr. Cone Man M- Oh!
B- That’s, uh, that’s enough of that, sir B- If you-
W- Oh! B- Sir, if you could please- /sir/
M- Sorry *giggling* M- All right, time to get serious now that the asshole went away W & B- *laughing* M- Oh-
*All laughing* J- Uhm- (*all laughing*) w- well it wasn’t- it wasn’t ME
W- *cough-laughing* B- Wait, is this one you?
M- Wait, how- J- UHM
B- Oh, /this/ one’s you
M- Wait, yeah, wait- oh! M- Oh- oh!
J- I- I- I M- Oh! Oh!
J- /Oh God/
B- Ohh! J- WuUUHM
M- Oh, uH
B- Weird! J- UUUHM
M & W- *laughing* J- You somehow made an immovable object move /through things/
B- Here wait- wait, wait, Mark I have an idea, I have a game B- I have a game
M- Yeah, yeah, I think I agree M- I agree
J- AW JUMP INTO ME
W- *giggling* M- No no no! We got a better game, we got a better game
B- No no no, it’s basketball! B- Awww!
J- Aw, so close! M- Aww- AWWW
J- Yeah!- AW, off the rim!
B- Aww, that’s-
W- Ooh! J- Close! Hup!
B- Almost, almost, I got this
M- Kobe! B- *laughing*
J- They don’t- they don’t go in! M- It’s like they don’t go in! W- Kobe!
J- They roll off! W- Cinder block? That’s not how you play!
B- Mark! Mark, pass- pass me the brick! M- All right, here you go- euh! B- That’s- that’s literally not the- M- Oh, the- oh, I thought you- (W & B- *laughing*) I thought it was like- that was like colloquialism for basketball. I thought- I thought I was being hip and cool B- No, like, the brick- gimme the- B- You know what-
M- You want the brick?? (*all giggling*) M- Sorry??
B- It’s not important M- How ’bout this one??
B- It’s not important! B- No, you know- just- you’re making it. worse
J- Just put something in me! B- Can you still do the exploit where you can climb with- with, uh, things infinitely if you stand on them?
W- Oo, good question J- Aww. Oh!
B- Mark! M- HUBUBUBUBUBU- ah shit
[unintelligible attempts to get Mark’s attention] B- *laughing*
W- What the- *laughing* Wh-h-h?
M- *noises* *all laughing*
M- Am I doin’ it?? M- Am I doin’ it?? M- Am I doin’ it?? B & W- *laughing* J- Yeees! B & W- *laughing*
M- I think I’m doin’ it, guys- YES!
J- You are SO doing it! B- Wait, Jack, I’m gonna free you! B- I’m gonna free you from your prison of. Sadness. J- Ah. Ah!
B- Hang on-
M- *panting* W- Woah!
J- Can I be freed? J- I am not even stuck- I’m not even on the wall anymore!
B- Oh no.. Oh no!
M- Uh! UH! M- I act- (B- Mark, what’s happening to us?) I can’t move- I can’t move-
J- YAY (W- You did it!) J & W- *sounds of success* B- Mark are we taking a bath together right now?
M- I am not in the bath, but I’ll say yes