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Superman 64 – Nintendo 64 – Angry Video Game Nerd – Episode 51

September 10, 2019


He’s gonna take you back to the past- He’s gonna take you back to the past To play the shitty games that suck ass He’d rather have A buffalo Take a diarrhea dump in his ear. He’d rather eat The rotten asshole Of a roadkill skunk, and down it with beer. He’s the angriest gamer you’ve ever heard. He’s the Angry Nintendo Nerd. He’s the Angry Atari Sega Nerd. He’s the Angry Video Game Nerd. Okay, the wait is finally over, This is the review that everybody wants to see. Here it is, Superman…on Commodore 64. Yeah, that’s what you mean, right? The Commodore 64? It was one of the best selling home computers from the ’80s. The games came on floppy disks. Remember those? The ones that actually are floppy? Let’s pop this fucker in, turn this son of a bitch on and play some Superman. Well, this is the startup screen. You never know what to do unless you have the instructions. You gotta type LOAD “*”,8,1 and then Return. And then it goes to black, and a few seconds later it says “NOW LOADING SUPERMAN.” At least that lets you know you did it right. But then you gotta wait for the piece of shit to load. Remember those early CD-based game consoles Like the PlayStation, you’d always have to wait for everything to load? Well it’s nothing like that! This thing actually takes two minutes and seven seconds. Yeah, I timed it. Then the title screen starts up with the music and you’re like, “Wow!” But wait, what the hell is this? “Type in the character that appears in column 9, row 10?” Oh, come on! I gotta get the code card. Yeah, the code card. Match up the damn numbers, and there you go! It’s 5. Why do I gotta do that?! So you pick your difficulty, and then guess what. It’s gotta load again! Fifty-four seconds this time. Not long, but seems like an eternity. So anyway, you get this comic book story line thing, and then- -you son of a bitch. Probably two weeks later when you finally start playing the game, you’ll be surprised that the graphics are quite decent, and the gameplay is self explanatory. You just fly around and shoot stuff. You don’t have to be Clark Kent and find subway passes or any bullshit like that, so it’s actually better than the Nintendo version. But that’s not saying much. That’s like saying the shit that I took last night was better than the shit I took the day before. The controller’s a piece of fuck, but at least it’s one of those kinds where you can plug in most of the Ataris or the Sega Genesis controller. Isn’t that amazing? The first level has a 3D perspective. The second level, you’re protecting a space shuttle from a bunch of asteroids. This one’s more like a 2D shooter. The third level’s like a side scroller, so it has some variety. But this has gotta be one of the most annoying stages in video game history. Every time you get hit, you fly back. Fuck… Fuck! Fuck! FUCK! That’s enough of this shit. But wait, this isn’t what you wanna see, is it? Nah, you wanna see THIS, right? Aw come on, you really wanna make me play this? Well, I’m gonna do it, just for you. ‘Cause I like you, a lot. Now don’t take that too serious. Here it goes! I’m turnin’ on the power! First, you’re greeted by a smiling cartoon fox. “Titus?” What the fuck is that? Well, the official title of the game is just “Superman”, But probably because the Nintendo 64’s tradition of putting “64” at the end of so many titles, it’s no wonder that it got that reputation. The first thing that bothers me is the stock music. Why not the Superman theme? Y’know, the John Williams one? Why don’t any of these games have that?! Immediately as the game begins you have to start flying through rings. I don’t even have any time to get used to the control. You’d think that as soon as the game starts you’d have a little free range. You know, to fly around and explore? But no! You gotta fly through rings! And you can’t fuck up. If you miss more than, I think three, I don’t know, Sometimes it’s two, and sometimes it’s four, so I’m not sure. But basically, if you miss a few of these rings, you go back to the beginning. And you keep trying it, over and over till you get it right. And on top of that, there’s a time limit! And being that this is the first part of the game, you’d think that the time limit would be a little lenient? But no! It gives you just barely enough time to get through all these rings. You gotta be perfect! Looks like I’m doing a real shitty job, but the control is awful. You have to be very specific with the joystick, or else Superman takes a dive in the wrong direction. And then, when you try to make a sharp turn, he just goes all over the place. You all probably know better than I, and it goes without saying, But this game is HORRENDOUS! And you know what the most pathetic thing about it is? This game isn’t even ten years old! Just barely. You’d think by 1999 there’d be some kind of quality standard. What? I’m stuck? How the hell am I stuck? I’m underneath the bridge! Looks like Superman’s stroking his super dick. So, naturally, when a game gives you a time limit, you’re in a hurry. You can’t approach any of these rings with care and patience. You gotta keep moving. If you miss a ring, you have the option to turn around and try to get it again, so there’s no strike against you unless you skip to the next ring, so basically you have to go through all the rings in order. But if you miss one, the time it takes you to turn your ass around and go back through You already wasted too much time, so it’s almost the same as just missing the ring. You have to keep flying. if you stop and bullshit around, then you’re not gonna make the time limit. See? I just fucked around too much, so I might as well just give up and kill myself. You see that building? I’m just gonna crash into it. Well, that didn’t do a damn thing. You mean you can’t die? Well, absolutely not. You’re just stuck in limbo until the time runs out. The only thing worse than an impossibly bad game is not even being able to kill yourself. What’s with the punching? Do I actually get to punch people somewhere in this shitload fuck of a game? I guess I’ll never find out, but why are these punches so awkward? You gotta be kidding me! I’m stuck AGAIN? I’m nowhere near the wall-look how much room, look how much room! How can I be stuck when there’s SO MUCH ROOM?! Fifteen seconds and I’m almost there. Almost there-aw fuck, missed a ring. Ah, come on! Can’t even give me one more chance? Aw man, what is he doing? Exercises? This is so ridiculous. This game isn’t just bad, it’s REALLY bad! I’m not even kidding around, it’s fucking horseshit! Almost there. Less than ten seconds… C’mon…I can just barely make it… Look, there’s the last ring-FUCK! *nonsensical profanity* I can’t believe it! There was only one ring left! Oh, this is ass. This is really ass. Oh look, this time I’m gonna do it! It’s four seconds! Shit, yeah! NO! That didn’t count?! So finally, when I get past the rings, instructions flash on-screen then go away. What did it say? Somethin’ about cars? You’re not even given enough time to read it! Oh, it’s over already? W-what was I supposed to do? What? I don’t even get to try again? I’m back at the fucking rings again? I can’t believe I’m playing a Superman game where all you do is fly through rings! At first I thought this was the training mode. Yeah, you know, like to test your accuracy? Lots of games have that. Remember Star Fox on the Super Nintendo? There’s a training mode where you have to fly through rings. But even then you don’t have to go through all the rings, it’s about how many you can get in through in a row. In the actual game, you’re flying around shooting at enemies and dodging obstacles. So what the hell is this shit? You should be fighting bad guys! Not testing your flight skills with some of the worst control accuracy ever in a video game. But it actually does have a practice mode. Out of curiosity I tried it out just to see what it is, and guess what it is. Goin’ through rings. Yeah, what did you expect? So, once again I’m at the next part. The message flashes on the screen for barely a second. Then you have six seconds to do, whatever. Fuck! Back to the rings again. You know, if I had two consecutive chances, I might be able to figure it out, But instead, I’m too surprised when I finally get there to act in six seconds and with no time to read what it’s telling me to do. And am I really doing this? Is this a Superman game? Flying through rings? Is that the best they could come up with? That’s like if they made a Batman game where all he does is just play hopscotch. Okay, time for the six second car stage again. Get off. Get off! Here we go, got the car. Now what. Oh, the timer reset to eleven. That’s weird. But what do I do with the car? Okay, so there’s another car coming, can I stop it? Oh, this is the shits. This is the shits. Basically, you gotta pick up both these cars and throw ’em before they hit the people. But guess what’s after that. More rings! And after that you gotta pick up a police car and carry it to the goal. I’m starting to notice a pattern here. You go through rings, pick up cars, Go through rings and pick up cars! So I get to the goal, and guess what’s next. Seriously, I want you to just take a guess what comes after this. More rings. Yeah! What kind of game is this? Is this some sort of insanity test? Well, I’m done. I’m sorry, but that’s all I can do. This game doesn’t even qualify as shit. It’s like the equivalent of shit taking a shit. This is unspeakably, shockingly bad. It’s sickeningly loathsome! It’s a fucking suffering the mind! It’s a bunch of fuck and it doesn’t belong on this planet. Somebody’s gotta take care of it! This is a job for the fuckin’ Nerd! Superman Theme {ROCK} [Subtitles By: AwsomeGamerLuigi15]

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