Boomstick: This episode is brought to you by Honey, the free shopping tool that automatically finds the best promo codes on the web So you get the best prices for everything you buy online. Wiz: We use it all the time. Boomstick: I’m using it right now. Look, I just saved five bucks on pizza. Wiz: There’s no reason not to add Honey to your browser today. It’s free, just takes two clicks to install and will save you money. Boomstick: Click the link below to add Honey to your browser for free. Wiz: Or go to JoinHoney.com/Battle. That’s joinhoney.com/Battle. (*Cues: Wiz & Boomstick – Brandon Yates*) Wiz: Among the soldiers of history, the samurai is one of the most prestigious and dangerous. Boomstick: So let’s pit two of the best of ’em in a fight to the death! Wiz: Samurai Jack, the warrior prince lost in time. Boomstick: And Afro Samurai, who’s one cold blooded mother effer. He’s Wiz and I’m Boomstick. Wiz: And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win… a DEATH BATTLE! Wiz: Long ago in a distant land… Aku, the shape-shifting master of darkness, unleashed an unspeakable evil. Boomstick: But a foolish samurai warrior wieldin’ a magic sword… Step forth to oppose me. I… I mean him. Wiz: And that nameless samurai became known as… Jack. Alien Teen #1: Jack. Alien Teen #2: Jack was all- Alien Teen #3: Jack. Jack. Alien Teen #1: Yo, Jack. Alien Teen #2: Jack, was – Alien Teen #1: Jack.
Alien Teen #3: Jack. Alien Teen #3: JAAAAAAACK!!! Boomstick: Doesn’t really strike fear into your enemies. Wiz: Young Jack was the son of a Japanese Emperor, who had imprisoned Aku years before. However upon Aku’s return, the emperor and his army were quickly defeated. The last of all hope remained in the hands of his son. Boomstick: Aww… Look how small he is. (clears his throat) Well uh, to prep for beatin’ the snot out of Aku, Little Jack traveled the world, Trainin’ with the best of the best. Wiz: Most notably, he learned horseback riding from a Sheikh, Staff fighting in Africa, Wrestling from gladiators, Axe throwing from a russian boyar, Mounted combat from the Mongols, Martial arts from Shaolin monks and… Boomstick: And archery from freakin’ Robin Hood! Y’know everyone’s favorite talkin’ fox. Oo-de-lally! Wiz: Wrong Robin Hood. Boomstick: That’s your opinion. Wiz: Jack’s progress was exceptional. At just 8 years old, he defended a whole village from a band of marauders. Boomstick: All before he could even legally drink the good stuff. 17 years later, he was ready for the final boss. He just needed one more thing… His pajamas. Wiz: No, no, no his katana. Boomstick: Katana, pajama, tomato, Alfredo it’s all the same. But before Jack could put his trainin’ to good use, Aku pulled a bitch move and zapped him hundred of years into the future. 🎶Watch out! Wiz: What a waste. Just like when you spend four sleepless years struggling through college, and then find out too late that nobody cares about your English major! Boomstick: I thought you graduated from the school of evil science or somethin’. Wiz: Well you still have to pick a major… Boomstick: Should’ve chose a more practical one, Wiz, like mine. Anyway, even though he was trapped in the future, Jack stuck to his mission, to get back to the past and take down Aku. And he had the right weapon for the job. Wiz: See, Aku cannot be harmed by conventional means. Thus, a special blade was forged by gods from Norse, Egyptian, and Hindu pantheons. This mystic sword is nearly unbreakable, and absolutely incorruptible. Boomstick: And boy, is Jack’s Katana an extremely effective weapon! Wiz: It can absorb and redirect energy including fire, vaporize beings of evil, and slice through nearly any substance. Even Adamantium. Boomstick: The Wolverine super metal!? Why is THAT there? Wiz: Probably just coincidental naming, but it is shown to be stronger than steel. Boomstick: Oh, of course, it is. So the sword is pretty awesome. But so is Jack. He’s strong enough to push over this giant pillar, tough enough to survive a fall from orbit, and fast enough to defeat six bounty hunters in the time it took for one drop of water to hit the ground! By timing the drop all this had to taken place in about 1/3 of a second. He’s like a ninja samurai! Ninjamurai. Wiz: Acutally he IS trained in ninjutsu. Which probably helped when he was forced to dodge beams of sunlight. For this one in particular, it’s clear Jack began dodging after the beam was fired. By examining both Jack and the beams movement frame by frame. We’ve concluded his highest reaction speed’s must be nearly 70% the speed of light. Boomstick: Damn, that’s fast! What CAN’T he do? Next thing you’ll tell me, he has the power to fly or somethin’. Wiz: Well, Jack can’t fly, but he did learn how to… Monkey Man: Jump Good. Wiz: Uh, yes, that. By strapping a giant boulder on his back which compared to his height we can determine to weight 39 tons. Jack learned how to leap high enough to clear these trees Boomstick: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Samurai! These trees are pretty big and this jungle has a bunch of these ugly baboons runnin’ around. And if I were a betting man- which I am- I’d say that this is the African rainforest. Where the average tree is about a hundred and thirty feet tall. Dibs on Jack for my basketball team! Guy’s got hops. Wiz: We haven’t even mentioned the time he survived several exploding missiles with his friend, the Scotsman. Boomstick: Hmm… Boomstick: Why does he look so familiar? Well, I like him. Wiz: With so much, talent it was only a matter of time until Jack found his way home and defeated Aku once and for all. But it took a lot longer than it probably should have… 50 years in fact. Boomstick: Yeah, good thing time travel makes you stop aging for some reason. But Jack’s a good-hearted soul. Like a boy scout who hasn’t discovered Twitter yet. Wiz: He can be pretty gullible when it comes to more devious opponents. Also he continues to prolong his lonely journey over and over, just because he frequently puts the needs of others before his own. Still the forces of evil should watch out for Samurai Jack. Jack: (Screaming) WHO ELSE WANTS SOME?! Wiz: The stories that surround the two sacred headbands are as many as the men who died in their pursuit. Boomstick: What’s so special about some strips of head cloth? Wiz: Legend says they were created by the gods, or they can grant the wearer supernatural powers. But in truth, the headbands only bring pain and loss. Such was the case with Afro Samurai. Boomstick: Wait, did his parents really call him “Afro”? Talk ’bout settin’ big expectations! Wiz: Well, no, it’s a nickname, but even if they did, have you seen his dad? I think they knew what to expect. Boomstick: Damn, just look at it! Oh, and hey, look, he’s got the number one headband! Wiz: Here’s how this works: The person who wears the number one headband is said to rule the world. And the only person who can challenge the number one is whoever possesses the number two. In contrast, anybody can challenge the owner of the number two for the right to wear that headband. And thus, gain the right to challenge the number one. Boomstick: So, like, you just work your way up so that only one guy in the world can challenge you? So where do I get one of these headbands? Then no one will mess with me. Wiz: Actually, the opposite would probably happen, which young Afro witnessed first hand when some freak named Justice showed up with the number two and killed his father right in front of him. Boomstick: Why does this always happen? Y’know, I always thought parentin’ was the hardest thing about being a dad. But at this point, I think it’s just actually stayin’ alive if your kid’s ever gonna do anythin’ great. Or just stickin’ around for them. Wiz: Despite knowing that he was effectively creating a future challenger. Justice left Afro alone to mourn his loss. Boomstick: So, of course, Afro swore revenge and started learnin’ swordsmanship, under a sword master named… …Sword Master. Who the hell is namin’ these people? Wiz: Through Sword Master’s training of sword mastery, Afro learned the traditional samurai fighting styles of kenjutsu and kendo. Boomstick: Kenjutsu is all ’bout how to kill an opponent as fast as possible. While Kendo is more about discipline and being Zen and stuff. Naturally, Afro preferred the more kickass one. Wiz: Right, Sword Master’s goal was to refine Afro’s body and mind. Instilling upon him a sense of honor, or Bushido, but that didn’t quite mesh with Afro’s thirst for vengeance. Boomstick: So when he found out that Sword Master had the number two headband all along. He knew what he had to do. And now, he could take down the guy who killed his dad. Wiz: Alongside his new friend/burden, Ninja Ninja. Boomstick: Oh come the (bleep) on! Where’d this guy come from? Ninja Ninja: Now don’t we look like shit! How you been, man? Wiz: Well, it’s not entirely clear, he’s there, but at the same time, not there. Ninja Ninja is believed to be the guardian of the number two headband, but all he ever really does is talk, talk, and talk some more. Ninja Ninja: He got arrows and grenades and shit! You ain’t got no chance, dude! Wiz: Though it’s also possible Ninja Ninja is simply a figment of Afro’s mind, brought about by psychological stress. Boomstick: Y’know I have an imaginary friend. Wiz: Aren’t you little old for that? Boomstick: Not for Al Gundy. He’s a gun. Who also talks to me. It tells me to do stuff. Wiz: Oooookay! Anyway, to be honest calling Afro a samurai is a bit misleading. He’s actually more akin to a ronin, a samurai with no master. And so with his swordsmanship perfected, Afro wandered the world searching for Justice carrying an arsenal fit for revenge. Boomstick: Includin’ his father’s sword. This super long blade has lasted through decades of battle without much issue; perfect for kicking some ass. Wiz: He also has a steel comb which can be a surprisingly effective offensive and defensive tool. And since he doesn’t care about that honor BS, He’s not afraid to play dirty by attacking with his sandals, Wiz: But while on the road to Justice, Afro’s number 2 headband attracted all manner of dangerous enemies. Luckily, he’s more than capable of dealing with each and every one of them. Boomstick: He’s strong enough to cut other swords in half, throw his sheet through another guy’s throat. And even tear off metal arms. Pretty impressive as many modern metals have tensile strength as high as 80,000 pounds per square inch. Boomstick: Afro is fast enough to cut bullets out of thin air and even a laser beam. Wiz: I should note that it’s not a plasma based beam. It bounces off reflective surfaces, doesn’t explode upon contact and it’s literally labeled a laser. This means Afro blocked a beam that moved as fast as light; more than 670,000,000 miles per hour. Boomstick: Get this: that laser beam came from a robot version of Afro. Talk ’bout metal. This Afro droid could easily smash up a car and our boy Afro just tore it apart. He’s survived getting hit by rockets includin’ this RPG that fragmented a giant cliff face. Ninja Ninja: A RPG in the Mother(bleep) backpack? Boomstick: (laughs) I think I smell math comin’. This tree nearby is most likely a Japanese Mountain Ash. Which can sometimes grow as high as 30 feet. With that in mind we compared its height to the fragmentation created by the explosion. And compared the resulting surface area to the sheer force for granite. With this we deduce the RPGs highest possible explosive yield must be around 72 tons of TNT. Boomstick: Damn! What kind of mega rocket launcher are these guys packin’? And where do I get it? Wiz: Many stood in his way and Afro didn’t get through them all unscathed. Boomstick: But by the end he cut down Justice took his revenge in hand and proved to the world that Afro Samurai is number #1. Assassin Leader: Why you got to kill all my men? Why you gotta kill me? Afro: Nothing personal. It’s just revenge. Wiz: Alright the combatants are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all. Boomstick: But first lookin’ at these swords makes me want to sharpen my knives for my Blue Apron meal tonight. Wiz: By now, you’ve probably heard of Blue Apron, the leading meal kit delivery service in the US. Boomstick: But did you know about all the different kinds of delicious foods you could make? Like the Honey chipotle glazed chicken with poblano and lime rice. Wiz: There’s plenty to choose from since they offer 12 new recipes each week. All you have to do is choose the two, three or four that sound best to you and they deliver it right to your door. Boomstick: Plus, it’s super simple to cook. It’s got easy to follow instructions and perfectly proportioned ingredients. They’re non-gmo and the meat has no added hormones. My favorite part is feeling like a master chef makin’ creative and delicious meals with my own hands. You guys really need to try it out. Wiz: It’s pretty nice coming home knowing I’ll have a delicious meal I can whip up with these. Boomstick: So check out this week’s menu and get your first three meals free at Blueapron.com/Battle. That’s Blueapron.com/Battle to get your first three meals free. But right now, IT’S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jack: Your sword smells of blood. Afro: So does yours. Announcer: FIGHT Afro: Huh? You Jump Good. Jack: Oh… Uh, thank you? (Screaming) Afro: (Screaming) 🎶Watch out! 🎶Gotta get back… 🎶Back to the past. 🎶Samurai Jack. 🎶 Announcer: KO Boomstick: So, like is he gonna get his arm back? Or…. Wiz: Afro was an exceptional warrior and his skills would absolutely dominate most sword fights. However, Jack has had a lot of experience with opponents who fight dirty. And Afro could not stand up to his physical superiority. Boomstick: Yeah, Afro never showed strength like how Jack lifted that 39 ton boulder. Wiz: Jack could react as fast as 70% the speed of light; Afro did block that light speed laser beam. But based on the distance between him and the Afro droid he only needed to react around 21% the speed of light to do this. Still putting him at impressive relativistic speeds. But not even half as quick as Jack. Boomstick: Also while Afro survived that mega sized RPG explosion. Don’t forget how Jack survived a fall from orbit. While it does seem the spacesuit was responsible for Jack surviving reentry. It certainly can’t be held solely accountable for the final impact. Starting his descent from the Karman line or the boundary between Earth’s atmosphere and space Jack covered a distance of 62 miles in just under 7 seconds. Moving well over terminal velocity. Boomstick: Thanks to being propelled by exploding space beef. Which means his top velocity was approximately 37,000 miles per hour. Adding the spacesuit’s weight to his own, This means his impact force must have equalled about 19 megatons of force. Way more than anything Afro’s survived. Boomstick: And then he just got up and walked away. Badass. In the end, Jack was too fast, too strong, too tough and too well trained for Afro to… (clears his throat) …handle. Wiz: The winner is Samurai Jack. Chad: Thanks for watching! If you guys want exclusive commentary on the episode, just click that little box right over there. Ben: And if you want the battle music from this episode, you can get it by clicking the link in the description.