Rage Quit – Uncraft Me! | Rooster Teeth
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Rage Quit – Uncraft Me! | Rooster Teeth

August 18, 2019


[Rage Quit intro music] Minecraft a little too vanilla? Fucking play Uncraft Me; there’s titties. Look at this, this is the main menu. Look at this! So let’s just start with stage one: the fucking journey for ass… I look like fucking Super Meat Boy wearing iron armor in a 2-D Minecraft. And I have a fucking jet pack. I guess that’s my fucking fecal bar on the upper right-hand corner there… I- it also looks like I’m shooting fucking snot outta my jet pack. I’m fucking blasting off on phlegm. Oh shit! As you progress through this game, you save the goddesses by fucking shooting them with rockets and exposing their ass and titties. Oh, this is gonna be good. Yeah, look at that navel. Look at those fucking hoops! So far not too challenging, very rewarding, I like getting the checkpoints. I like getting the checkpoints! [motorboating] Oh, fuck, head shot! Head shot! Jesus, that’s what you get for beating the level? My God. I mean I saved the shit outta her! Level two. I’m on the fucking beach. Let’s do this. Hopefully this is a fucking swimsuit level. I want- gimme a fu- oooh black stockings never mind. Dude, avoid the lava, fly up the thigh This is gonna be good, hang on. Uuoohh yeah mmmm yeah that’s a good looking checkpoint. That is ff-ooohh God So that’s a good idea, right, for a game – just play to see ass? I mean normally I wouldn’t play this shit, but look at that. Look at that belly button! It’s just fucking throwing it out there in my face! Why is this fucking thing back here? It’s like don’t put it there! You’re blocking the view! Get OUTTA THE WAY! Holy shit! I fucki- I fucking forgot you could die in this game, like, oh- f- God damnit did it again. Like oh, yeah, there’s enemies? Oooh my God. That is a BIG fucking checkpoint. So she’s already got, like, the triple-Z titties, then they put this giant phallic-looking tower with a fucking red thing on top that’s like the fucking jizz shooting out right in front of her fucking mouth. Like, really? So I’m just gonna fire this one right into her face, and Yeah! Beat that level too! Oh God she’s wearing gloves. Game’s starting to get difficult now. There was a fucking enemy in that last level. Ooooh – woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…! Nah, it’s fine. I got it. [in-game guy screaming “Yeahhh!”] I like the yelling dude. Just some dude screams. That kinda sums it up when you beat the level and some dude screams ’cause he’s looking at that picture. Look at that! WHAT THE FUCK?! The only thing that’s gonna save that woman is a sports bra with a lot of fucking support. I’ve never been driven to play a game more, but I could do without the fucking blue balls these loading screens are giving me! There was a part in the middle of the last level I forgot I wasn’t playing Minecraft. Any fucking day now with these laser beams… No? Did I miss it? I guess I fucking missed it. Haul ass you little shit! Hau- you fuck. Oh, oh, oh we got it. We’re fine, we’re fine, we’re fine. Shoot her in the butt Aahh fuck fuck fuck! Fuck. I just wanna shoot the chick in the face. I wanna fucking get to the checkpoint and shoot her in the face and then I’ll be happy. Oooh fuck. Ooaaaah shit! Shit! SHIT! I’m sorry ma’am, your son was killed on top of a giant breast. Oh, she’s not fucking around. She’s pretty serious about it. She’s like “Alright, yeah, you know, whatever, you saved me but I’m not that impressed.” I kinda hope they patch Minecraft so that there’s fucking naked women just always overlooking you in the sky I just wanna look up and see vagina. Fuck, I’m dead. AHHHH! Fuck! FUCK! Fuck. Fuck! I honestly didn’t think this fucking game would actually get hard at some point. Can I jump on this thing? Nope, can’t do that. Fuck me! Get around it! [angry flailing noises] Oh, my God. Oh, get outta there! GOOOOO! Fuck me. Oh, my God, DAMNIT! You IDIOT! There we go. There we go. Don’t fucking kill yourself, shithead. Boosh. Boosh! Fuck! GO UP! I, uh, I am losing my interest in saving the naked women because this is starting to piss me off. Oh, dude, I fucking shot her right under the boobs! Look at that! That’s some bottom boobage right there. Alright, I’m dead. Ohh, shit. Oh my God, go go go go go– Fucking BLADES! Alright, and then I did that. Remember level one? It was just like: beat the level, check out some ass, don’t fucking die 50 fucking times?! Fuck! Ooohh, fuck, FUCK! Fuuuuuuck! Holy shit! Oh, you’re gonna get it. I’m fucking flying up to your face right now. You’re gonna get it! Aaand you fucking got it! Normally I’m not really big on beating games in Rage Quit, but I feel like I owe it to these women. They are distressed and in need of saving. Fuck! Lava wall. You little shithead. I see your ass. I see more of your ass. Fucking shit. God. Ahhhh! Fuck you! Go- fu- gahhhh. Yeah, baby. Work them hands. Holy shit! Yep, she uhhh- she had- oh my God. Alright, this is it! This is the last fucking one! We’re gonna fucking save the day! So, the last level looks great. Yep. Ok, so I’m gonna have to fucking haul ass through this one- not making it that time. FUCK! Goddamn it! You fucking idiot. You fucking dumb shit. Through the blades- nope. Into the fucking blades. Through the blades, on the platform, over the rocket, through there, into the fucking laser. This fucking thing sucks! This sucks shit! Get over there, get over there, over the fucking thing, through the thing- oh my GOD! GOD DAMNIT! This chick is not worth it! Over the fucking missile, in there, oh my God, YES you fucking shit! Enough with the fucking ROCKETS! SHIT! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh my God! Oh shit! AAAHHHH FUCK! Get outta the way! Fuck. OOoh fuck. God damnit. Fuck! You can fucking stop that any time now. Shit! Fuck me, how- OH MY GOD AHHH! AHHHH! shit! Oh, I missed it. I missed the platform. Go up, asshole. Go up, asshole! YOU FUCKING FLEW INTO IT! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Oh my God, oh, FUCK YOU! FUCK THIS SHIT! Alright, and that’s uncraft me. So, uh, great game, I highly recommend it, saved 7 out of 8 goddesses so I’m pretty sure the goddess kingdom is alright and I’m going to go ahead and recommend this to everyone because I feel like everyone should absolutely play it. Great game! [outro music]

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