Preacher’s Kid. Football Player. And..Gay? | Brett Trapp | TEDxPeachtree
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Preacher’s Kid. Football Player. And..Gay? | Brett Trapp | TEDxPeachtree

October 5, 2019

Translator: Leonardo Silva
Reviewer: Mile Živković My mother was a teacher
and my father was a preacher. Our family lived in Florence, Alabama, a sleepy little river town
of Baptists and artists. Mostly Baptists. Florence is quintessentially southern, and growing up there
is Sunday lunches after church, Little League baseball
and high school homecoming parades. I made good grades, followed all the rules
and even played football. This made me a good southern son. From a young age,
we’re taught to tell the truth, but no one teaches us to tell our truth, maybe an eating disorder
or some childhood trauma, or something simple like a love for art
in a world full of jocks. Nope. Nobody teaches us
to tell those truths. I began to uncover my truth
at an early age. It’s a truth discovered alone,
grappled with alone, denied alone and, when you are young,
it feels like a ball of lead in the soul, both heavy and toxic. This football-playing
preacher’s kid was gay! What do you think it would feel like
being a gay preacher’s kid in the American south? Well, this was my two-ton truth,
but telling it was not an option. The good-old-boy ghost
of southern culture was clear: “Zip it up, lock it down. We don’t talk
about that down here, preacher boy.” I love my southern roots and I love
the people I went to church with, some of the best people on the planet, but, in 1988, a resolution was passed at a meeting
of our national church leaders, declaring homosexuality was
“a manifestation of a depraved nature, a pervasion of divine standards
and an abomination.” This very fierce language was mimicked
by lots of other religious organizations in the 80s and 90s, and those strong words did not go
unnoticed by little ears in the pews. To be gay is to be a unique minority, living with a physiology you did not
choose, in a tribe not your own, amongst families that struggle
to understand you. And to be a gay person of faith
in the American south is its own unique challenge. Flannery O’Connor famously wrote, “While the south is hardly Christ-centered
it is most certainly Christ-haunted.” To be gay in a community
steeped in religion is to know that you are welcome
only if you remain single and celibate. It’s to feel forced to choose
between spiritual faith and earthly love. It’s to beg God to change you, hoping for a golden ticket
into straightness. And so, I made my way through high school
and college with no dating, just denial. I was serious about my faith, hoping to one day discover
a tonic of spiritual disciplines that would cure me. And, in the meantime,
I perfected the art of numbing the pain: work, work, work,
nights out, big vacations and the continual incantation, “I don’t need love, I don’t need love,
I don’t need love.” Forget coping mechanisms.
I had built a coping machine. And it worked! Until it didn’t. Some time around 30, I woke up and realized all of my friends
had moved on with their lives, matriculating into the world of wedding
dresses and children’s birthday parties. My loneliness grew and,
as the sleepless nights began to add up, I eventually gave up:
I decided to stop hiding. And, through one painful
conversation after the other, I began to come out to friends and family,
most of whom were very religious. The conversations were tough at first. Red wine was my courage,
Pepto-Bismol was my peace. (Laughter) For years, I had imagined
the worst reactions, with people freaking out
and casting judgment, but, each time, every time,
I was met with love, and a tear, and one of those lingering hugs you give
someone who’s been fighting a hard battle. And so, in my 30s, I finally, clumsily, stumbled my way
into the light of telling my truth, something I wish I’d done so much sooner. Many people seem to think that the religious folk of the south
are fueled by hate, but I know that’s not true
because I know these people. They are wildly generous
and kind beyond belief. For centuries, they have been the ones
helping the poor in our neighborhoods and providing relief after disasters. We need our faith communities
and outsiders typecasting them as bigots are peddling the fallacy of composition. Vocal zealots do not represent
the benevolent majority. I don’t think our faith communities
have a problem with hate. I think we have a problem with love. We just haven’t loved
our LGBT children well! (Applause) We’ve not loved our LGBT children well. We haven’t listened. We’ve offered theology before empathy. We’ve protected a tabu that quietly
boils kids in their own shame. We haven’t given them the space
and the grace that we give everyone else, and we’ve defended
disembodied spiritual doctrines while missing the actual
bodies in our pews. Kids in our religious communities
dare not speak their truth, out of fear! Many of them are struggling alone
and we need to ask ourselves the question: why is the word H-E-L-P so hard for them? Now, the good news is
that I see faith leaders rising up, changing the conversation. I see our churches pivoting, as they have so many times
across the centuries, towards love. I see the rhetoric being replaced
with a lexicon of grace. I see people of faith learning a sacred
song that keeps rhythm with orthodoxy, while shouting a chorus of love. And I see believers united,
reminding every child, “You are loved and you are lovely,
and your future is incredibly bright .” Thank you. (Cheers) (Applause) Thanks. Thank you. (Applause) (Cheers)

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  1. "I don't think our faith communities have a problem with hate. I think we have a problem with love. We just haven't loved our LGBT children well. We have not loved our LGBT children well we've haven't listened."

  2. The details are different, but that describes a lot of how I grew up. It would have helped so much to be able to talk to someone or have positive experiences of what it was to grow up discovering you're gay, instead of being afraid or getting rejected or beaten up for it from kids your age, and not being able to talk about it with otherwise loving, faithful parents. — Something is wrong when people would fear or hate or exclude a boy for loving his frien or forbidding even to think of it or discuss it. Stifling that love inside damages people's lives. How many grow up missing such an important part of their lives, the chance to love someone deep down?

  3. "Your truth" is deceiving you my friend. God loves you and all who choose or refuse Him. But His truth is always the truth NO MATTER if we chose to believe it or not. He is a righteous and honorable God, who will not be mocked. There will be real consequences to our willful sin. His love is unconditional but his blessing are conditional. Only when we trust and OBEY His word He holds no good thing back from those who walk uprightly.

  4. I agree we can have a problem with love at times but I also believe the nature of our testimonies has now become defeat instead of victory and that is becoming the standard we are being led to accept and we call that love.

  5. Amazes me how easily religion has condemned LGBT while at the same time completely ignore horrific main stream sins, apparently God only has a problem with a few sins that the religions choose for Him.

  6. I've visited the South a couple of times. They may appear kindly, but it's a perfunctory kindliness. A thin veneer. Under the surface, the real truth is that everyone is suspicious of everyone. Especially of outsiders. Everyone is checking to see who is and isn't obeying the social expectations, and gossiping about it.

  7. Love and understanding is needed, I agree. God loves all of His created, He loves us so much Christ died on the cross for all sins.
    It must be understood that His Word, both the Old and New Testament reveals that the practice of homosexuality is a sin.
    I know people who are involved have not been treated well and that has to end. But I would be wrong if I said that God accepts those who are practicing this sin. Does He love them? Yes, He created them. But to continue in the sin is wrong. See Leviticus 18:22, 20:13, and Romans 1: 26, 27. And don't tell me the OT is out dated, that doesn't fly. If it was a sin then, it's still a sin today.

  8. I came from his world, and did not get any love when I came out. I got hatred and relentless judgement, as my family and childhood friends enacted the values they had always pronounced.

  9. If religion is good and teaches love and positivity. Why do they have so much hate for certain types of people and judge so much? Doesn't that go against everything they preach?

  10. I am afraid the LGBT community have issues with accepting the religious community. You want them to change to accommodate our views, but we don't accept them regarding with regard to what they believe.

  11. Brett you have my full support, but I do not share your optimistic view of "Christian" churches in the US South. These are the same institutions that legitimized slavery. And they haven't changed.

  12. Thank you for your courage. And yes, I've just come across you talk… I, too, had so much fear. What my husband and I have discovered is that no matter what people say, they need a name and a face to attach to a "label". Once they discover the "label" belongs to a person they love a huge shift takes place in their thinking. Thank you for speaking your truth!

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