“You’re going to jail for what you did to me!” “What’d he do to you?” “He wanted me to strip for him to get a job!” “You’re disgusting!” *punch* ♪He’s gonna take you back to the past♪ ♪To play the shitty games that suck ass♪ ♪He’d rather have a buffalo♪ ♪Take a diarrhea dump in his ear♪ ♪He’d rather eat the rotten asshole♪ ♪Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer♪ ♪He’s the angriest gamer you’ve ever heard♪ ♪He’s the angry Nintendo nerd♪ ♪He’s the angry Atari/Sega nerd♪ ♪He’s the Angry Video Game Nerd♪ I remember in the early 90’s, seeing commercials for the 3DO. It was advertised as the most advanced game system and it forced itself right into your face. Like if you don’t get this thing, you’re gonna get left in the dust. It even went out of its way to insult Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis saying that those are just baby toys. Well, everybody I knew had those baby toys and nobody, I repeat, NOBODY I have ever met owned a 3DO. Probably because its price in the U.S. was $700. I mean, fuck! But you’d better buy it because this is the REAL gaming console. That was its slogan, “REAL”. Because it’s a REAL piece of shit. This new interactive CD-ROM technology, it sort of blurred the line between games and movies. Was this the new future of gaming? Nobody knew and nobody wanted to be the guinea pig. Usually, you get the chance to play the new, hot gaming console over at a friend’s house. But nobody had it. So the 3DO came and went. And now, it’s just a curious piece of history. There were many different models. This right here is the FZ-1 made by Panasonic. It only has one controller input. Wow. Now that’s what you call an advanced system, isn’t it? Instead of two controller inputs, let’s just have one. Let’s make it so you have to plug the second controller into the first controller and just daisy-chain them together. What were they fuckin’ thinking?! Then there’s the FZ-10 which is a top loader. Still, there’s only one input. And the last one I have is the GoldStar. How many inputs? Heh. Just one. You think if they made so many versions of the same game system, they’d eventually add another controller port! The games are obviously on CDs which come in jewel cases. But the jewel cases come in these rectangular boxes. This makes it hard to fit on your shelf. What a waste of space! These are the most oversized game boxes I’ve ever seen! They’re even bigger than the Neo Geo boxes! And Neo Geo games are huge cartridges, so they have a perfect reason to make a big box to hold a big game. But these are just CDs! It’s completely unnecessary! Now to be fair, there are some good games on the 3DO, including the definitive home port of Super Street Fighter II: Turbo. A lot of the more gimmicky games show off the CD technology and are more like watching a movie than playing a game at all. Some of them are pretty impressive for its time like Wing Commander III. Which features big-name actors like Malcolm McDowell and Mark Hamill. I searched high and low to find the worst possible 3DO game in this category. And I believe I’ve found it: It’s called Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties. Judging from the box, I don’t even know what to think of it. An interactive romantic comedy. A plumber, a daddy’s girl, chickens, crazed yuppies, evil bosses, shower scenes, racecars, pandas, a nun? What kind of game is this? What’s this? “Get it?” NO! I don’t get it! “Hi, my name is Jane, and we hardly know each other. But that’s about to change.” This is interesting. “Put your big, muscular arms around me and whisper some things in my ear.” “And I’ll promise to do every little thing your heart desires!” Wow. “Now listen up! The rules to the game are real simple. See I meet this guy in a parking lot. Now you, are supposed to identify with this guy…” So she talks for three minutes, as the camera zooms in on her breasts. Then the title screen pops up. You can’t be serious. It looks like a kindergarten student did this in Microsoft Paint. And listen to the stock music. *elevator music* This has to be the worst title screen I’ve ever seen. Then come the credits. Race cars? Why’s the color in negative? And then it goes in a sort of mosaic. Looks like a bad quality picture off the web. Then it goes to like a vertical letterbox. The titles are so bland. There’s no drop shadow to separate them from the background, and the colors are picked at random like a child selecting random pieces of chalk on a sidewalk. And it just goes on and on. Why are we watching still images of race cars? Why all the wacky filters? Why does it keep showing a naked guy lying in bed? Why is there a panda in a car on the bed? Why’d they leave so much extra space when they cut out the panda from whatever background it originally belonged to? Why’s the perspective butchered so badly? It doesn’t even look like it’s really there! But then why would it be there anyway?! Now why is it just a head of a panda? WHY WOULD THERE EVER BE A FLOATING HEAD OF A PANDA NEXT TO SOMEONE’S BED?! We haven’t even gotten through the credits yet and this game is already a pile of monkey fuck. *screech* *crash* Okay? What’s this? *phone ringing* What’s going on? Okay, so the credits are finally over and now we get a slideshow. “It’s your mother, now get your ass out of bed! I know you’re there, John. John?” “I said get up. Get up, John!” Get out of bed, John! Get out of bed! Yeah, great concept. Every game should begin with two minutes of some guy’s mom trying to get him out of bed. “Stop smart-mouthing with me young man! Why is it I haven’t seen you with any woman? Why is that John?” “Don’t you like women anymore?” *Gasp!* “John, are you gay?” What?! “Cut the crap and listen to me! It’s time you got married!” “You need children! I need grandchildren! I need my only child to bear fruit!” “And in my lifetime, don’t you love your mother?” This is not a game. This is like watching a movie. Or no! It isn’t! A movie is something that MOVES! THIS doesn’t move! It’s a bunch of still images! If the beginning was actual video, why couldn’t the rest be? Oh, thank god that’s over. Now maybe we get to play the game. “Where are you, Jane?” “You’ve called me, daddy, don’t you know where I’m at?” What? There’s more of this shit? “Why the hell aren’t you married yet, Jane?” “In that last scene, that bitch of a mother told her son to have kids!” And keep in mind you’re seeing the abridged version. I’ve been sitting here nearly ten minutes so far. “Christ’s sake girl, how long does it take these days?” “You ain’t that busy!” “Now dammit, Jane, you get on the stick and make some babies for your poor old father!” So there’s our story: John and Jane are both pressured by each of their parents to find a significant other Then we get a montage set to rockabilly music. Apparently, both Jane and John, these two unrelated characters, are taking showers at the same exact moment. There’s a code to remove the censor bars. Or… censor face with a nose. But that’s only if you want to see John’s hairy ass that much. They drag these scenes on as long as possible. Why is any of this necessary? Do we need to see their whole daily routine? Changing clothes, lifting weights, playing with cats, trying on more clothes, playing air guitar with a plunger? Oh, so is he a plumber? Well the game’s called Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties so I guess it makes sense. He’s a plumber, and I don’t see him wearing a tie. What the fuck?! You can’t even trust the damn title! And it keeps on going. We see everything. He gets on a motorcycle, she gets in a car, she’s putting on lipstick, He drops his mail in the mail box. Come on! Why is that important? Then finally, Jane and John meet in the parking lot. “Woah!” “It’s 8 o’clock and I’m seein’ a 10!” “What I wouldn’t give to do her plumbing!” Yeah. Okay. Okay… Okay? What the fuck? “We know she’d like to meet him.” “She knows she’d like to meet him.” “But does John know she’d like to meet him?” And now we get a narrator? After fifteen minutes of this crap, all the sudden we need a narrator to start explaining it? “It’s up to you, sport.” Then FINALLY, we get a choice of what happens next. “So, who do you want to make the first move?” “If you want John to do it, hit A now.” This is the first time there’s any interactivity with this game whatsoever. But it’s just as much interactive as playing with the menus on a DVD. There’s games like Night Trap and Dragon’s Lair, which are like movies and there’s not a lot of actual gameplay. But this piece of shit is way, WAY below that. This isn’t even in the same category as those kind of games. It’s the bare minimum of what you can actually CALL a game. “Do girls actually like guys who are really aggressive?” “I don’t think so.” But what makes it even worse is, uhh… the control. Yeah, you might be wondering, how the fuck could the control be bad on something like this? Well, what happens, the highlighter gets stuck. At first, I thought my D-Pad was broken. But no, what it is, you have to wait for the narration to finish. “John chose caution to the wing and pursues Jane. Be careful!” Every fucking time you move, you have to hear the same thing before you can use the D-Pad again! “Do girls actually like guys who are really aggressive?” “I don’t think so.” – What the fuck?
– “Have John wait later on.” So Jane rejects John and goes to a job interview. Gotta love the elevator music. So then we get a choice: Either she gets the job, she doesn’t get the job, or the boss becomes a pervert. “Note: you must be 18 or over to take a look at this decision.” You gotta be eighteen? On the box, it says SEVENTEEN! This was before the ratings system. But what kind of fucked up rating is this? The box says seventeen! But for this one part, you gotta be eighteen! “You know, perhaps something can be worked out after all…” “Take your clothes off, Jane.” Oh, shit. “You know, we get at least 200 qualified applicants for every position here.” “It’s those people who do that little extra thing.” “They’re the ones who get head—I mean, get ahead.” Oh, what a bad joke. It doesn’t even have any relevance now. He just told her to take off her clothes. He might as well say straight out, “suck my cock.” “TAKE YOUR DAMN CLOTHES OFF!” What a pervert! And what’s with all the filters? *buzzer* “Now see how your sick curiosity led Jane into this mess?” Time for another decision: either she refuses to take off her clothes, or she accepts. Now, wait a minute. The first decision says “our heroine declines the disgusting proposal!” But in the image, she seems to be taking off her clothes. While running away, but still. It doesn’t make any sense. Did they swap the images by accident? So let’s go with the more interesting choice. DAMN! She just happened to have a whip and handcuffs? Nerd (mocking):
“Wow, I had no idea she’d actually do it!” (whip crack) WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP GAME IS THIS?! *buzzer* What’s with the crazy filters? “Oh now you’ve done it! You’ve really done it!” “How could you make Jane into such a perverted young thing?” “I’ve gotten a lot of people through this story, but I’ve NEVER seen such a disgusting series of plot choices in my life!” FUCKING CHICKEN MASK! An upside-down fucking chicken mask! So anyway, Mr. Chickenhead scolds you for your bad decision and tells that you have one last chance. So let’s pick the other one and see what happens. *crowd cheering* So she strips down to her bra and skirt for no apparent reason. The boss grabs her leg, she kicks him in the face, and runs for the door. *SMASH*
The boss grabs her leg, she kicks him in the face, and runs for the door. The boss grabs her leg, she kicks him in the face, and runs for the door. Or no, she doesn’t run, she just stands there. The boss grabs a pen and then comes after her like a deranged psychopath. And there’s Jane, just standing there. She even has time to go into the men’s room. The boss goes into the women’s room, and next thing they’re both out in the hall. I don’t know, I don’t even, like, understand this. Now they’re outside, and she has her clothes back on. I guess it was a public parking lot, and they couldn’t just have a girl running around in a bra and skirt, I don’t know. Maybe the actress didn’t want to do it. But for whatever reason, it doesn’t follow any continuity. Then John sees what’s happening. Now, what was he doing in the parking lot the whole time? Just sitting on his motorcycle? So he comes running, and I guess he’s gonna save her. – “HELP ME, HELP!”
– So he comes running, and I guess he’s gonna save her. So he comes running, and I guess he’s gonna save her. Oh no, it’s time for the narrator. “Well sport, do you think you can handle this choice without getting the lowest score in the history of this game?” What, there’s somebody else who played this shit? “Who the hell are you?” “I’m taking over this story.” Who’s this? “Over my dead body!” *grunting* I wonder how this would’ve all played out if it was actually moving. “Finally got rid of that obnoxious character.” “And that horrible music.” No kidding! At least the game’s self-aware. “…what’s known as a takeover artist, wanted in thirty states for hijacking fiction.” So she’s taking over as the narrator. Why is this necessary? Do we not have enough narrators? On the selection screens, we have at least TWO different voices talking to us. And on top of that, there’s this goofball, and now, a fucking karate chick! So now she’s looking at the past choices we made, just so she can scold us and we have to hear the same shit all over again. “These are the most disgusting series of plot choices I had ever seen!” Yeah, I get it. “You deserve every punishment you have gotten and even more!” I get it… “I don’t believe it, how you could make such choices…” Enough already! “Were you raised in a BARN?” Could they possibly drag this out any longer?! “Help me, help!” “RUN JANE, RUN!” What? Her shirt’s back off again? Okay, so the parking lot was obviously not a problem, because now, she’s in an EVEN MORE populated area! Oh, here comes the banana peel, classic. The longer this goes, the more you wish that it was full-motion video. I mean, that’s what this kind of game is classified as. Full-motion video, FMV. But the only motion part was the beginning. It’s not like the 3DO is incapable of this. The Sega CD could do it, and that was before. And if you look at Wing Commander III, the whole game is full of video. And it’s almost like DVD quality, it looks good! And that was the same console! So if THAT game could do it, why not this one? So they’re running through Hollywood, goofing around in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, Griffith Observatory, and it’s like a series of vacation photos. This is horrible! This isn’t something you make into a game and put into stores, this is like a weird sort of college experiment. If you even count this as a game, it’s probably the worst game I’ve ever seen in my life. And that’s one hell of an accomplishment. This chase scene goes on, and on, and on! And we get the battle of the narrators intermixed with the whole thing, just to stretch it out even longer. *gunshots* What’s going on? Why are there lines of bullets? If he’s shooting her, shouldn’t the bullets be coming from the gun, or scattered across her body? Why are they just placed randomly all over the screen? And then they put an “X” on her face to show that she’s dead. “I’m back in control now.” *sounds of dogs barking and clapping* Are there dogs applauding…? *more sounds of dogs barking and clapping* I’m not imagining them, am I? *more sounds of dogs barking and clapping* There’s dogs CLAPPING! I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THAT DOGS WERE FUCKING WATCHING! So the next thing that happens, the boss—his name is Thresher, by the way—he offers to pay Jane for sex. So after trying to rape her and kill her, now he’s offering her money. So for the next 5 minutes, John tries to persuade Jane, while she negotiates the price with Thresher. “Your original deal was $5,000,000 for one night, right?” “So what’s seven-and-a-half for TWO nights? I’m giving you a two-and-a-half million dollar discount.” “That’s way too rich.” I’m not kidding, it goes on for, like, five minutes! It’s like: Five million for a day! Seven-and-a-half for a weekend! Five million! Seven million! Five million! Twenty million for a week—AAAAUUGH, LIKE, STOP IT! GET TO THE POINT! “No way, I ain’t so slut. Seven.” “Six!” “Later that night,” oh thank god… “Six and seven-eighths. How much is that anyway?” What…? They’re still negotiating?! And how is it “later that night”?! IT’S NOT NIGHT! IT’S NOT! FUCKING! NIGHT! So then John goes into this big emotional speech. “I don’t want you for a night. I want you for a lifetime.” “I’ve been searching for me. For you.” *laughing* What’s going on? Why are people laughing? “I’m gonna keep that in the script!” It’s an outtake?! They left an outtake?! Just for a joke? So it’s technically NOT an outtake! It’s an intake of an outtake! What the fuck? Why’d they do this? His slip was that he said searching for me, instead of searching for you. Was it that funny?! So if you have Jane accept Thresher’s offer, they just walk away, you get scolded, and then you have to go back to the decision. “Uh oh, I screw up! Could you give me another run?” So, if you pick the other choice, she walks away with John. They go out in the parking lot, where they originally met. I don’t know if to be ironic, or just out of convenience. “Well, congratulations.” Now for the final choice: either I want the Hollywood ending, or gimmie something different. Yeah, you know what? Give me something different. Give me a different fucking game! This is one of the worst things I had ever seen in my life! On the box, it says “plays like a game… feels like a MOVIE!!!” Well that’s horseshit. It does NOT play like a game, and it CERTAINLY does not feel like a movie. It’s a slideshow that verges on being softcore porn. But it isn’t that either! It’s like some kind of experimental art project. If I just made a bunch of shit and put all kinds of filters on it, that would be the same as this miserable pile of fuck. It would also be the same to go take a shit, on a piece of toast, on top of a roof, while wearing a fish mask, singing “I’m Too Sexy”. “TAKE YOUR DAMN CLOTHES OFF!!”