Minecraft’s Enderman Are NOT What We Thought! | The SCIENCE!… of Minecraft
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Minecraft’s Enderman Are NOT What We Thought! | The SCIENCE!… of Minecraft

August 13, 2019

Dear Mojang, HI! It’s me! Austin! Middle Earth: Shadow of War just came out and here I am covering your advanced Lego simulator because I’m an idiot who has no idea how YouTube works. Ah, crap, I just said “idiot” and “YouTube” in the same sentence. Does that mean that this videos gonna get flagged by YouTube’s hyper-aggressive neural network as being “unsuitable for some advertisers”? Or what if I say f***? Or f**k? Or mother f***** ****ity **** Who knows? Because my last video, my Metroid one, got flagged as being unsuitable for all advertisers, which you know, FUN! Take that, let Austin curse! Now it seems it’s impossible to sanitize my content enough to satisfy our red logo-ed overlords. Whoo, boy I’m off track. How medication compliant am I this week? Not so good! Alright, well by the power vested in me and my Zoloft prescription We’re gonna cover one of the most enigmatic topics in the Minecraft universe, if not all of gaming, the Enderman. Dark, creepy, tall slender, teleporting monsters from another dimension. They’re giant and, honestly, even now, after spending an entire week researching them and just straight-up watching them, they utterly skeeve me out. But, you know, what I’ve discovered this week has clarified the Enderman for me a whole heck of a lot, and transformed them from being mysterious bargain bin Slendermen to something, well, more interesting. Something, frankly, kind of tragic. And while I don’t mean to step on MatPat’s toes on his own channel we’re gonna be veering off the normal path you’re used to while watching my video, but I promise, promise you it will be worth it. New players to Minecraft, although, I’m not sure how many of you there actually are left since according to Microsoft records, over 100 million copies of the game have been sold by now. And it is now the number two most sold game of all time, beaten only by Tetris! Which has been in the market for over 30 freakin years! Anyway. There’s apparently 1.2 billion gamers in the world, so there’s gotta be some of you who haven’t played this game yet, or maybe just started. In which case, you may not even know what the heck I’m talking about. “Endermen?” I hear you saying. “Pff, all I know from Minecraft is those weird green pigs that keep blowing up my dirty hobbit hole.” And, that’s fair, because Endermen have a really low spawn rate. Lower than almost any other character in the game. To top it off they don’t show up if it’s raining because they can be killed with water, and they have a tendency to teleport away as soon as the Sun rises. They’re are and fascinating But there’s so much more to them than their ability to teleport and scare the living crap out of you. They’re considered a neutral character like cows or pigs, unless you look them in the eyes. And if you do, you better be ready for a fight because they’ll try to murder the crap out of you! Aww, s***, I just said “murder”. Oh f*** said s***, oh s***, I said f***
(TV static) *OOOHHH S*** S***F*** *youtube monitization in process* More TV static #Don’tFlagMeBro. #YouTubeAd-pocalypse. The most unique skill they have, in my opinion though, is the ability to pick up blocks. Which is REALLY FREAKIN IRRITATING if one spawns on top of your house and just randomly starts pulling it apart! Aside from that, though, they’re mostly harmless. “Live and let live” seems to be the motto. They’re not here for you. They’re here for your BLOCKS. And it was because of this rarity in the overworld that I decided that I couldn’t afford to just sit in a tree for days just waiting for an Enderman to appear, like I were a hunter and they were in season. No. I needed a large sample size. Because I have measurements to do, for SCIENCE! So that meant only one thing: I had to go to their homeworld. You see, if you kill an Enderman, they can drop something called “ender pearls”, which, you know, like, I just *chuckles*, I don’t want to know what they are, okay? They’re either eyeballs, feces or something else, and I just I just don’t want to know. I DON’T! WANT! TO KNOW what ender pearls are. You can craft these ender pearls into “eyes of ender”, which will help you locate underground strongholds, inside of which are portals Which take you to the end. A dark, cold world filled entirely with Endermen. Well, Endermen and a giant freaking dragon! I hope you’re not playing on hardcore mode, because this thing deals a metric crap ton of damage and has a huuuuge health pool. If you kill the dragon, you finally get to explore this vast second world, and it is amazing. Firstly, I came here to study the teleportation of the Endermen Thankfully, you don’t have to sit around waiting for them to pop off. All you have to do is get ’em wet. So! First thing you do is cook a nice meal, and then you- What’s wrong with a kiss boy? *Monty Python the Meaning of Life reference for those wondering* Wait, sorry. I’ve misread my notes there. You just have to dump water on their heads, apparently, and BAM! They zip off. Unfortunately, the unkempt chaos of the typical Minecraft landscape makes it really really difficult to get specific measurements. Sure, each block is officially one square meter, but that doesn’t do you much good when every single block is exactly the same, and there’s hills everywhere and, GAH! So I found the most Minecraft-y solution I could think of. I decimated the local ecosystem in order to build a huge construct designed to suit my needs. A huge grid the size of a football field with markings and measurements in every conceivable place an Enderman could spawn covered in water. So they could only land in my grid. We’ll get to the bottom of this teleportation now, haha! And you know what? I discovered something unbelievably cool. Something I don’t think any of the 100 million people who have purchased Minecraft have discovered. Endermen DON’T TELEPORT It looks like they do because they move so freaking fast. But they don’t. They run. It’s hard to see at normal speed, and it’s not super obvious every single time. But I have 12 perfect frames here that explicitly show an Enderman turning and running the instant water hits him. This is a big deal for a couple of reasons. One, it lets me off the hook for doing complicated research on the space-time ramifications of teleportation and well, that’s about it. It’s not surprise most people haven’t noticed this because they’ve run obsceeeeenely fast. Thirty-six point seven five meters in just one fifth of a second. Pulling anywhere from 300 to over 1000 g-forces of acceleration, at speeds well over half the speed of sound. They are really putting those long legs to work. For contrast Alex and Steve, the main characters of Minecraft, run at about five point three eight meters per second,. way, WAY slower! Having this misconception cleared up that Endermen aren’t actually teleporting in a game that actually has mechanics that allow for real teleportation, but that they’re just running really really fast, well, this left me with a ton of time to kill. And I decided to spend that time observing the Endermen in their natural environment. Documenting their behavior like a frontier era combination, zoologist/ anthropologist. If I- if WE were so wrong about
anthropologist if I if we were so wrong about anthropologist if I if we were so wrong about something as fundamental as how these creatures get around, what else were we wrong about? How many of our presumptions about these mysterious, non-Slenderman
Slenderman Slenderman are completely wrong all hell of a lot it turns out everything you believe about the Enderman is completely Slenderman Slenderman are completely wrong all hell of a lot it turns out everything you believe about the Enderman is completely 100% wrong. But thankfully, I’m here, and I’ve done all the legwork for you. You know, as a brief aside, some people have complained that Mat started to do more lore theories than pure raw science ones. But you know what? I totally see how that happens. You enter a situation with a question in your mind like: “Oh! How does Endermen teleportation work?”, and it turns out that it’s not very interesting, but then *Chuckles* Then sometimes these bupkis questions lead you to the real questions The ones that are interesting and hard to answer. The things that keep you awake at night. And what is science? if not the quest for fact; to answer the unanswered questions? It’s interesting to me that the home of Endermen is called “The End” and it’s when you finally defeat the EnderDragon that you start to get glimpses into the world that you never received before. You see, the story of Minecraft and, yes, there is a story, isn’t actually about you, the player. It’s through your eyes, sure, but just like so many video games stories come before it, you’re just a driver of the action. You’re a tool. A means to an end. A means to.. an Enderman? Huh? Get it? I’ll just- Okay, I just see myself out. The story of Minecraft isn’t about you. It’s about the Endermen. Everything that happens, every landmark you achieve is specifically tailored to push you ever closer to what your real purpose is: Saving the Enderman. You have to get wood in order to make wooden tools, which you have to make in order to get stone tools, which you have to make in order to get metal tools, which you need in order to get diamond tools, what you need in order to mine obsidian, which you need in order to build portals to the nether AKA freaking hell! Not a profanity, just an observation, which needs to travel to in order to kill blazes which drop blaze rods which you can refine into place powder, which you can finally combine with ender testicles in order to create eyes of ender which you can use to locate strongholds and activate end portals, which take you to The End, where you probably get your face melted off by a god dragon king a few times before, well, maybe EVENTUALLY, you can kill it, and earn the achievement “Free The End”. That achievement title is key. Absolutely, key. You see the ender men aren’t “demons”. They aren’t “monsters”. They aren’t mere enemies meant to make your life harder. They’re victims, subjugatees, and oppressed people living under a tyrant dragon who are unable to muster the strength to throw off the shackles of oppression themselves, not unlike me and my relationship with YouTube’s new algorithm. In fact, during your fight against the dragon, you even see this monstrosity freaking attack the Endermen on the ground. You, only YOU are powerful enough to stop it. I mean, who else could? Every monster in the game falls to your superior might. Your ability to craft weapons made of diamonds, infused with magic more powerful than anything anyone has ever seen before. And those Endermen that you encounter in the real world, your home planet, they’re not just there by coincidence. They’re observers and martyrs. They’re there to watch you. To sacrifice themselves, so that you can become stronger, gain the strength and capacity to travel to their home plane and rescue them from their servitude. The Endermen, when you watch them from a distance, are a peaceful and social people. They relax, they build entire towns. They’re not unlike the passive villagers in your own world, the ones who are so helpless that it’s amazing that they haven’t been wiped out by invading zombie hordes by now. Sure, they attack you wouldn’t look at them But that could just be for any number of reasons. One: a willing sacrifice, goading you into killing them for their *clears throat* pearls Two: I mean, What would you do if the most powerful creature on the planet stared you right in the face? Something you know has a reputation for cold-blooded and heartless murder of anything that stands in its way. When left alone, it’s clear that they just want to be at peace. They don’t need some sort of, thord invader filling their homes with toxic water. They just need rescued so they can live. Alone. Un-o-ppressed. For the first time, in as long as they can remember, free. Sincerely, Austin. Thank you everyone for watching my video on the Endermen, and it’s weird twisty game theory s turn that I took. I couldn’t help it! When you uncover the truth It is your duty to spread the truth, even if it doesn’t fit your original format. Speaking of, if you like things like this, you should subscribe to the Game Theorists channel right now! for more videos from me, and from MatPat, and Gaijin Goomba, and I’m sure like all kinds other stuff like Deadlock and all kinds of *incoherent mumbling* I could say all kinds of stuff many many times. *Slowly fades for dramatic effect All kinds of stuff! All kinds of stuff! All kinds of stuff! All kinds-

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