MAMMOTH VS. A MILLION ARROWS | Totally Accurate Battle Simulator #9
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MAMMOTH VS. A MILLION ARROWS | Totally Accurate Battle Simulator #9

August 14, 2019


Too long Too long. I’ve been gone Too long. My armies were left out in the battlefield Stranded not knowing where to go, not even knowing where to go put their duties That’s a big mammoth butt in my face right now. I abandoned them. I abandoned them in the hour of need, we were powering through the forces of evil and darkness each and every day And suddenly I left, off to Japan to do what? Cool stuff? yeah BUT NOT TODAY! I AM BACK! I am back for Roger and Steve! And my glorious King to lead them once more, into the fray! Hopefully, I don’t know, It’s been a long time, I might have forgotten how to play this game Hold on there’s a dynasty campaign What’s the dynasty campaign? Samurais and ninjas! Okay, I know that we had our little introduction, and we said hello to eachother. hi And we all figured out what time we were from, and then we moved off to our adventure. Fun and frolic as friends all together. Then we got the challenge, you know, Act Three? There’s only four acts -Laughs- I’ve gotten to a point where I just don’t know what I’m saying anymore. I’m just yelling things into a camera, but, you know what? That’s all YouTube Let’s Plays are, that’s the secret, everybody. WAPOOSH TOP OF THE MORNING TO YA LADDIES, my name is Jacksepticeye. Welcome back to TABS! I’ve been keeping TABS on this game, but I didn’t even know there was a dynasty campaign. So I want to try that out. I know we’re in the challenge and everything, but it’s getting too similar to everything else So I’ll come back and finish those at a later, at some point. But I wanna try dynasty. I wanna try, to see what it’s like to be samurais! Oh, yes! okay, These were in the game before. um I remember playing the game a while ago and we had Wait, I don’t get to use them? Then what’s the point? WHEN WILL YOU LEARN? THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES!? Alright, let’s just do this, then You know, the battle for Helm’s Deep. This looks like a map in Overwatch, actually. . . Look at all you samurai bois Samurbois, you think I’m scared of you? look at Why would I be scared of you, All you get is a big long pole and a weird, freaky clown face? Oh look at all my lads Ready to go! -Slight Laughing- Okay. . . Some of them are not as good as the others This guy looks a little sad, he’s got a creek in his neck. But everybody is eligible for battle, doesn’t matter what’s wrong with your neck, You’re still able to get in there! 0w0 Well, I’ve no idea what the hell is wrong with you. OoOh, yes! Pop that knee. Are you guys all ready for a battle I sure am GO, LADS! Wipe them clean! Don’t fall into the hole, though. Let’s just realize this is a giant hole there that you can easily fall into! That’s it, get ’em! Get ’em! Mess ’em up! Okay, A LITTLE CLOSE TO THE HOLE! D’OH, GOD, LADS! STOP IT! NOOOOOOOOOoOooOO! TOO MANY MEN ARE FALLING INTO THE HOLE AND PIT OF DESPAIR! That’s how my heart feels right now. Okay, good! Take care of the Ultimate Tengu Warrior! D’oh, lord! There’s people flying all over the place! The battle is intense! The battle is intense and immense! No more people fall into the hole, please. Get ’em! Get ’em! Last guy! Warrior vs. Warrior. Mono a mono. Steel versus Steel These lads think that they can go up against me. The Gaelic warrior, the Celtic shamrock knight He ain’t gonna stand a chance. Okay. I got the skills and I got the tactics. I know half my guy fell down to the hole and it- oh my god, they fall forever Do you really just fall forever?! The map is miles away! At least he died doing what he loves praising the Sun? Okay, I’m getting a little scared now. Oh, you got some ninjas up here, and I’m very terrified of them. They look cool They got shuriken- Man’s I gotta be smart about this, okay. First up wall of Rogers Oh, and you can actually see how many you have now. That’s a nice neat little update thing. I’m gonna put some spearmen on the bridge because they think they got range. They got distance. All these guys got are tighten your little toothpicks Well, actually my spears look more like toothpicks than the sword, whatever it’s an analogy I gonna put a couple of stoners in but I’ve got afraid to put them near the hole cuz I feel like they’re gonna be idiots Listen to me warriors. Alright, nobody falls in the hole. No holes. Put a couple of bone mages in That sounds good. Ok, I’m trying to diversify my portfolio of warriors, alright because in the comments all the last time I was like *Duh Jack just uses the same stuff all the-* SHUT UP I use the same things cause it works. They’re friends of mine. I don’t know these people. Who are you? Chieftain, stoner, You guys don’t have names? You’re not a Steve or a Roger. I wonder I wonder if I can get some bards to drag them in to the hole for the love of God, you had better not just start this round and walk straight into the hole. If you do I’m giving up my Youtube license, I’m hanging up my play buttons. and one Steve as back up Are you ready buddy? Are you? Yeah, kiss that rock, kiss that rock for luck. *smooch* You got this rock. You’re the brave boy You’re the best boy. All right, please please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! WHAT DID I SAY?!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!! *garbled character vocalizations* THEY ALL JUST WALKED INTO THE HOLE!!! You guys suck!!! *more garbled vocalizations* I DON’T EVEN CARE HOW THE BATTLE ENDS UP OK, IT’S OVER I’M DONE THIS IS STUPID, YOUTUBE MEANS NOTHING ANYMORE *battle sounds* *Victory sounds effect* Oh HEY Hey here we have one warrior doing his best Patrick Starr impression Hi everyone and Welcome back to the Jacksepticeye variety channel Welcome back to a new episode of our favourite gameshow What’s it gonna be? Can you tell leave your answers in the comments below, you have ten seconds? *cartoony hold music* This actually isn’t a still image I’ve just stopped moving for the sake of it makes it, makes it easier Make sure you watch till the end of the video to find out what the answer is. All right. What have you got? Oh you got firework arrows? ROGER, you got DRAGONS?! ahh, that’s cool! I don’t got a damn dragon with fireworks in its mouth ROGER, why don’t we- where’s Roger? ROGER, why are you just using stupid little arrows? why aren’t you got fire arrows? What am I even training this army for? Ya know what? It’s because we don’t need them. We don’t’ need fire arrows. Our tried and true steel and wood. Goes a long way. You know what? I’m not letting you get the better of me. I’m spreading my troops across the battlefield like some fine butter on some warm toast But my guys will not blend into the toast. No, we will skate along that crispy surface To destroy that tengu nose of yours, this is it. This is it. it’s all coming down to this. Fearsome warriors, look at that perfect formation Like cornflakes and milk. There is no better combo Now you guys better not walk into that hole. Ok avoid the hole, atta boys Oh lord, oh lord, those, those are scary. ok Wait are they gonna explode? OH NO We’re underprepared. Don’t retreat, just fight better. Oh GOD!! *laughs* Oh, those are the best! Oh, I want them! Oh, *more laughing* Ah, this is the first time I’m not sad about losing. *more laughter* Oh yea, get um, get um! KILL THEM JEPPERS BOYS HOLY GOD. Alright, oh no, Oh No, OH NO Guys, ok, hold on for a second. Steven look at me you got this buddy you got- STEVEN HE DAAABBBBBBBBED *ear spliting mixing* Get um, tried and true. Oh Roger Roger saw his neck, and do you know what he said? *whispers* It’s free real-estate Do I unlock, do I have to play this whole thing? And then I unlock the dynasty boys. Cause I wanna, I wanna mess around with the arrows. Oh God they have a hwacha Oh No Oh, Lord Hey dude Hwacha doing? *inserting audience laugh* Jacksepticeye is filmed in front of a live studio audience. These guys all going in here to destroy what is left of the ninja Empire All the while my catapults and my archers are gonna rain down death to destroy everything that you guys got what you got You ain’t got nothing. I may be a little too into this but let’s go Okay, please please take that down before it starts good. Oh god, they THEY DEFLECT ARROWS OH NO OH YES, STEVE STEVEN YOU’RE A LEGEND Okay, Oh what you got you ain’t SHI- okay well on this thing you’re actually doing pretty okay and I’m not okay with that Ho That’s a lot of arrows okay, THAT’S ALOT OF NUTS come on guys come on guys they deflect arrows!!! You can’t do anything at this point Oh GOD Those hwachas are scary, hwach you hwach out Guys, guys, okay, they’re idiots. They’re firing at rocks. Come on!! Not only did they kill you but THEY DABBED *same ear spliting editing* also it’s unfair. All right. Hwatcha is a weird word for a man with an Irish accent to say hotcha We don’t say H. We say (ha-ache). Okay, they’re repelled Regular arrows, but can they repel snakes? Find out today in this episode of Mythbusters. I hope the answers going to be a resounding. No. Oh god they can No. Hope my snakes. OH, he’s got a weird wonky eye, but now he’s, he’s just deflected off into the abyss It’s- NO, my snakes They were gonna go places. They could have been the greatest. Steven, you’re gonna want to launch pretty quick there buddy, Steve Steven okay. You did your best there buddy, but it’s not good enough Yeah, so this is what shame feels like *gasp* we got them on the ropes YES Dat a Boys!! Oh get that night in there, Oh, this is such a difference. This is (k)night and day There’s my night and there’s my friend Day in the middle- Hi Day. They may take that one. I yeah use that shield Slink in, get underneath them. yea, atta boys, NOOO KNIGHT Oh, he tried to grab one of their stars as well, but it just wasn’t enough. I’ll always remember you as the hero you weerreeeeeeeeee *echo sound effect increases* Oh, hey, I won. Haha of course I did have an idea All right, the farmers the boys will be there lads from Fermanagh. We’re gonna come out and deal some death What I want to happen is- I can’t go straight across. I want to get two wheelbarrows Either side here. I don’t want to see if they’ll just plow through all of these, GO UM EXCUSE ME WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! Oh my God, I’m fighting with a bunch of gobshites! *laughs* ♪ Cause Baby you’re a firework♪ Oh Bob Ross go back to paintings Oh No, I have rocket-propelled Valkyries, rocket-propelled pigeons that’s a tough sentence to say rocket propelled pig- farewell warriors farewell This one’s still going! Yes!7 you got this? Okay dodge all those arrows Matrix-style channel your inner Neo Okay, don’t get hit, don’t get hit, don’t get hit, don’t get hit. YES Yes, you’re a queen! All right, who’s gonna win two hwachas or one sweet delicate catapult-y boy Steven the whole world is behind you on this one, okay Everybody at home is watching with bated breath. It’s like watching Avengers end game all over again Everyone’s sitting at the edge of their seats. Just wondering Can Steven dude a different type of Steven and I have Steven and Roger, Steve Rogers!! This is Steve Rogers and his brother, Roger Stevens. You’ve got this my friend captain Catapult send it out. Send it far and true! THEY HAD SECRET NINJAS THAT’S NOT FAIR STEVEN Oh for the love of God! STEVEN Okay, well Steven, you see here’s the problem. That was never gonna work Stephens still in the fight Stevens still in the game. He missed with his first shot, but that’s okay. Okay, Steven, Steven reorganize Steven STEVEN REORGANIZE BUDDY du- Okay Okay, I don’t know why I try Steven! You try to launch yourself Stephen is me trying to sleep at night. And all of those arrows are memes at 4:00 a.m. Go Stephen. Yes Yes, get him! Nail um! Oh Never even stood a chan- is he still alive? No, he’s not. Haha STEVEN NO Look ay- look how they massacred my boy. Oh, you think your arrows are special there buddy? Hahaha All you -you couldn’t even you couldn’t even hit… You couldn’t hit water in an ocean! Ah got him. I want to see something. Can I go into sandbox? Go into the dynasty sandbox. I want to mess around. Yes Well now I have everything unlocked. Oh, these are coming soon. Okay, good coming soon. It means not now What is the Monkey King? Is that Aang the last avatar airbender? All I want to see is these firework-archers doing a number on all of these guys. Okay. I just want to see bodies. Fly Oh *laughter* THAT’S THE BEST oh my god *Laughs more* Firework archers are so fun. They know how to have a good time. Okay. Oh my god There’s so many bodies everywhere get him, stick him, stick them with the pointy end Yes *laughs* You turned him into a human beyblade. All right, I could very easily crash my game here. If I’m not careful. Look at all these priests *still more laughter* You’re not gonna win because you can’t. All you’re going to end up doing is boosting each other But all I want to see is how many bodies I can let fly Okay, go, go, fire the arrows. Yes. Oh No *more laughter* OH MY GOD IT’S LIKE A WEIRD DISCO *character vocalizing becomes audible* *Jack mimics said vocalizations* You can keep singing all you want buddy you can sing to the high heavens *more character vocalizations* *laughs* Oh my God, that’s so fun Elton John was right. ♪I’m a Rocket Man♪ I just love the display of colors and light and everything that’s going on here. Some people are just being turned into spinning tops *laughs* Okay, let it fly, let it fly, let the explosions come Oh, that’s so satisfying! *silent laughter* Oh, God dang is the fourth of July out here. oof. You just had the worst day. You got that right in the face. You did not like that at all. I love that though Oh my god. What happened to you?!! How did you end up so far in the sky?!! Jesus!!! ah, that’s fantastic, I wanna see him come back down let’s see what this is like but not a bunch of people with shields cuz the- the Fireworks is just gonna get stuck at the shields and then send them all everywhere. Yes, please. Oh, yes, please. Oh Nailed Them ALL! All except one!! *laughter* *characters scream* Oh you guys don’t even stand a chance I want it all to die at once oh, sweet Jesus. This is going to be Extra special. We have five mammoths mammoths-y ♪mama the mame the. ma ques♪, ah and eight Hwachas So five mammoths versus a million arrows Who’s gonna be the victor? Hmm? I wonder My gods Goood *thuds* Ohhh, Crap There’s so many arrows stuck in your faces!! Sweet mother of God!!! Oh, wait. Oh god. Oh no. Oh no Never mind, we’re fine. I want to see what it looks like when all the arrows Come out one mammoth *laughs* That’s Too MUCH This is ridiculous. Okay, frame rates taking a dip, but that’s okay cuz I just want to see what happens here. *characters scream* Oh My God!! that didn’t actually even do anything Cuz you won’t just end up aiming for like one guy in the middle of it all okay fire again sweet Jesus *laughs* How many hwachas is too many hwachas? oh, that’s so satisfying to look at Mother of lordy What is even happening over here? there’s a glitch in the system! Alright, well, I would have to leave this episode here alright If you guys have any suggestions on what you want to see in the sandbox what you want to see? Versus each other then, please. Let me know and I will gladly do it, but it’s good to be back It’s good to be back commanding the masses it’s good to be back as the general of this here army destroying the competition Don’t forget if you’re new here. You can hit that subscribe button. It really helps me out Also hit that like button. It also helps me out. Here it is Can I get a drum roll, please? if you’ve been playing a lot with our game to know whether it is Real Background Fake Background the answer is FAKE, we fooled you all except some of you have figured it out. You think that you’re much smarter than I am Ha ha, I’ll get you and just- just remember Be a Roger Not a steven I’m everywhere by Teknoaxe Oreos for breakfast sure. Why not?

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  1. Jacksepticeye there are secrets in the maps And if you get them you get new characters in the ninja warriors one is under the hole and you’ll see a katana

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