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LGR – Vinyl Goddess From Mars – DOS PC Game Review

September 27, 2019


[fizz, sip] Aahhh! Vinyl Goddess From Mars. An interesting DOS game from 1995. I got my version of this on a compilation disk called Gameworx. Came with a few other crappy games,
but this one is completely awesome. Being a compilation, the box doesn’t
say too much about the game, except that it is indeed awesome, supposedly. So, we’ll just not even look at that, really, and get right to the game. Of course, the first thing you notice is the lovely model portraying Vinyl, who is the protagonist of the game. You can choose from three different episodes: Forests of Old, Caverns of Chaos, and The Return. I’ll just go to the first one. Essentially, if you’ve played Jill of the Jungle, or even Xargon, by Epic MegaGames, then you’ll know exactly what you’re getting into here. It’s a pretty straightforward,
platforming, side-scroller game with interesting characters, simple but effective weapons, and random little items to get and collect for points. There is no need to get more lives because there are not any. You can die as many times as you need. Going through the levels,
you’ll run across checkpoints, and of course keys, which you
will use to unlock certain doors, before getting to the end of the level. So, yeah, if you’ve played pretty
much any platforming game, you know exactly what to expect. Collecting these red orb-type things gives you some sort of points stat at the end,
which does not really do anything except give you more points. Back at the map screen, you have
the same thing from Jill of the Jungle, Jill Saves the Prince and Xargon,
where you collect keys, go through certain gates to get to the next levels. So let’s go ahead and check out
some of the other things in here. This is the order screen which came in the
shareware version, but it is also in the full version. For $29.95, you would get the
game, which is three episodes, a full color poster, and a survival manual. Not too much else to see here. Except for this. This is the REAL Vinyl Goddess, as it says, who is apparently portrayed by the model Debra Dare. My box of this game didn’t come with this. Oh, well. Probably one of the most interesting
things about this is the story here. It’s completely absurd. “In the year 200 billion,” “a small ship races across the galaxy
taking the Vinyl Goddess From Mars” “to the esteemed Intergalactic B-Movie Convention.” “In mid-transit, a meteor
shower strikes without warning” “and the ship is engulfed in a sea of rocks and debris.” “Badly damaged by the cosmic storm,
the ship careens off course.” “Desperately, the Vinyl Goddess twists
knobs and pulls levers to regain control.” “The best that she can hope for is to eject and
let the ship crash land on the strange planet below.” “It’s up to you to help the lovely
goddess find and repair her ship” “and collect all of her belongings” “before it’s too late to reach the convention.” “Good luck SPACE CADETS!” Of course, this is very appropriate. This entire game is extremely tongue in cheek. It’s portrayed as sort of an adult game, but it’s, it’s so not. I can’t help but laugh at every little thing in here. And it’s full of all sorts of double
entendres and things like that. Such as at the end when you have
to find different parts of your ship, like the “thrust coil recompensator” and the “hot plasma injector,” where you have to help your
heroine out of this “sticky situation.” Yeah, I mean, it’s just– [chuckles] It’s just completely ridiculous. You know, I wouldn’t quite
consider this a family-friendly game. It is just entirely silly. The weapons themselves are quite awesome, except for these strange
explosive vials, or whatever they are. You can’t aim them at all. And you can’t shoot while you’re ducking,
so it doesn’t make any difference. You just end up tossing things OVER your enemies. The enemies are rather stupid. You have these strange goldfish
things that come out of the ground. And large Venus flytraps with mouths of teeth that shoot balls at you. Hmm, I’ve never seen that in a platform game before. Once you finally make it to the last level, it really is a bit of a tease. You don’t really get anything at all. Basically, you just get some quick story saying that, oh yeah,
she found all of the parts to her ship. And then she got home. That’s it. So don’t expect anything great from the story. What you CAN expect is a very, very solidly-made action-platform game. I did not intend to play this game all the way through in just about one sitting. But I did. It looks awesome, it controls wonderfully. The music is freakin’ cool.
I love the music on here. This is one of the most solid, side-scrolling platform games
that I have played on a PC, or anywhere, really. So if you could find it in any way, do yourself a favor and play Vinyl Goddess From Mars. It’s cheesy, it’s fun, it’s completely awesome.

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