IT’S TIME FOR T-REX | Ultimate Epic Battle Simulator #7
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IT’S TIME FOR T-REX | Ultimate Epic Battle Simulator #7

August 9, 2019


**WHOOPSH** Top of the morning to you laddies, my name’s JackSepticEye, and welcome back to “Ultimate Epic Battle Simulator”. Now, they’ve updated the game again… awesomely. Because not only do we have a new character. Actually, I think it’s only one new character… as far as I’m aware. But oh, what a new character it is. We now have… …a fucking T-Rex! Hell… to the yissy yes! Can I… can I go in here and see the T-rex? There we go… Oh, I should just do this from now on! It categorizes and… all the new characters are at the bottom. Aw, that makes way more sense. THAT is fucking cool looking! The only that would make you better is if you had lasers attached to your head! You have 10,000 health and you do 500 damage. Oh, we’re going to have some fun with you… let’s put one T-Rex… in my favorite map. No less. Where else would you put a T-Rex? Erm… I’m not gonna put him in the castle. I’m trying to find other places to go rather than… Just right here, but this is like a good testing area. I think. I wanna do one T-Rex… vs. a bunch of soldiers. So we’ll put the T-Rex here… I feel like the soldiers will probably still win. Uh… World War 2, US soldiers… 250, why not? We’ll put you guys… …at the bottom. Of, err, at the base of the water. The base of the hill, I should say. If that even is a hill. This gonna be great! T-Rex vs. Guns! I wonder how many he’ll actually kill before he dies ’cause.. I don’t know… There’s 250 soldiers, they fire very fast. They’re pretty accurate when they need to be. This is a big target. This could be- This could be bad for him. “Loading units. Please wait.” Can I not… …move the carema around? What, oh, there we go. Now you do like a little thing. Aw, look at ’em. Look how cute they are! Hello! Aww… I want one. I want one so bad. Now, nea nea va, you’re a… …big- you’re a biggen! Okay. Let’s see how this goes. Go T-Rex! Do you make sounds? Not… Really… Which is kind of disappointing. That looks fucking baller though! That’s super fucking cool! GO T-REX! I’m going to call you “Terry” “Ter-rex” [Jack loses his faith in Terry] DISAPPOINTING! Let’s try… 50 soldiers. That might be a bit better. Go Terry. Terry the Terrible. Terry the tyrannical. Terry the T-Rex! Ready to come kick your ass! It does make sound. Yes… Hopefully they actually make it this time. There’s 200 left of them. We’re basically dealing with a fifth of last one, so yes… You’re actually going to get to them this time. Nice! [Disappointment] Terry… Terry, Terry! You fucking suck! You killed four of them… …by walking over them, you didn’t even attack! Terry the Terrible! Terry the Tyrannical! I give you double health… …this time You should be able to do it. You should be able to kick the shit out of all of them. There ya go… NICE! YES! That’s the shit, Terry! That’s the one! Fuck yeah! Nice! You’re the best! I love you Terry! How do I control you? You- [Terry roars] [Jack approves] That’s the sounds I like to hear. You still lost… …WAY more health than you should have. Like way fucking more health. Yeah, what does the inside of you look like? Oh… gingivitis. Are you wanting for this? I’m in the market of scalability. I don’t just start of with one and 50… and go no where after that. You gotta be able to scale up your market. You gotta be able to show me the other ones. Show me the other teams. No? Okay. That’s a lot of soldiers. 5,000… …to be precise. [Laughs] That’s fucking a lot of soldiers. But you know what we also have a lot of? DA DUN DA DUN! DUHDA DUN…. Where did I put them? Where did I put my te- OH! [Laughs at his genius placing] I forgot to change these guys! I put in more soldiers, but I never changed where they were. So they’re all still where I was fighting the other T-Rex. So, they all have a long track ahead of them. That’s fine, the army roll out. But, the T-Rex are all over that hill! [Laughs at the ] Oop! [Laughs a little more] Let’s go see them. Oh yeah, watch this. [Sings the Jurassic Park theme song] [Sings the Jurassic Park theme song a little more] They do move in herds! Okay, this is- this is kind of terrifying. That’s a lot of salamanders! Are you guys gonna be able to handle this? I don’t think you guys are going to be able to handle this. This is some fine, imported booty right here. But, you guys are not all… …the way you used to be so… …we’ll see what happens. Fuck it, we’ll let history play out. Heh, prehistoric… meets regular historic. There’s one T-Rex dead already. There’s two T-rex- Oh, god… There’s 17 T-Rexes killed. MOTHER OF FUCK! That’s a lot of boo lays! Fight, you Jurassic bastards! Stop dying and letting extinction win! This is your time to fight back! Jesus, mother of god… Talk about a golden shower. This is what it would be like if Jurassic Park… …was directed by Micheal Bay! It’d just be nonstop… Dinosaur slaughter. [Laughs] Oh my god… This is a Jurassic rave right now. And yes… A lot of people are going to tell me Tyrannosaurus rexes… … were not in the Jurassic period. I know! I’m going by the movie! [Sings sad, emotional music] I’m trying to symbolize… the shit… Jurassic park is happening right now. These dinosaurs are not killing half as many guys as I’d like. How many have they killed? Fuck off. If you look closely… …you can see they were trying to spell “I’m a useless pile of Shiite”. Let’s face it. We all wanted to see it happen. Man’s fiercest predators… vs. Man’s most cuddly… but also… the most ripped of predators… Any- any day now. Aaaany day now. The kangaroosies! D’oh… They have something that they share… … in common with the T-Rex. Descendants from the T-Rex… the “Roo-Rex”. The “Tee-Roo’s” as they used to be called… …back then. They all got tiny, little arms… …and giant, thick legs… …with the same kind of tail. Don’t tell me you can’t- you’re denying this. You can deny your own feelings. But you know what you can’t deny? FACTS! T-Rexes are kangaroos. Same species. Same thing. Okay, you wouldn’t tell by looking at this. but there’s 500 kangaroos and there’s only 280 T-Rexes. Erm, but these are also Terry the Tyrannicals So… I don’t know… The T-Rexes might have this- oh! Here we have the T-Rexes’… …walnut brains kicking in. They want to go up to the castle. For no fucking reason. And there’s a lovely meal down here. Look at these head bangers coming along. They’re all listening to Slayer. Oh, fuck… Ahh, fuck… Oh, jesus. It’s not so much a war as it is a buffet. Oh, I might fucked up on this one. Hey, they killed one! Nice! You guys may not as been as bad as I thought you were! That’s fucking cool! Probably should’ve put you guys up against regular T-Rexes, huh? Terry the Tyrannical… …is victorious. Yeah s- that’s what I expected. How many did you kill? They killed two of them! Where’s the other one dead? There he is. [Laughs] *Silly voice:* “Hey guys!” “Uh…” “UH…” “I’m just going to line down here for a while ah ha ha ha.” I think this one miiiiiiiiight break things. Might break the formation of the “T-Saurs”. Small bit. Might break the formation of my T-Dawgs, My T-Terry, My T-Tate. Okay, here we have our 1,000 kangaroos. That looks right. Ah… Ten-hut! Formation! Yeah, you guys look fine, um… What are my little ‘rannosaurs doing? Yeah… [Laughs] You guys doing okay? You got a good formation- you guys might be fucked in the back. But you know what you are? Back up warriors. Not everyone can go into battle… …and go head first. Some people have to stick in the back lines… … a small bit. Can you guys even get out of the castle? Okay, you can. Single file! Single file, now there we go. Yes! Ha ha ha ha ha, they’re so cute… …with their fucking gigantic heads! Dinosaur Jerry: “Steve, is that you?” Dinaosaur Steve: “Jerry! How’s it going? How the Mrs.?” Dinosaur Steve: “Man, I didn’t even know you were in the war!” Dinosaur Jerry: “Yeah got drafted about 2 weeks ago.” DIE EVERYBODY! [Laughs] Aw… This is a day I’m glad I lived to see. Tyrannosaurus Rexes… …vs. kangaroos. *Silly voice:* “AHHHHH!”. Still haven’t really found the right balance. *Claps hands* He’s got it. Oh by George, he’s got it. [Singing Venus by Bananarama] “Yeah baby he’s got it~” We’re going back. To the fucking Ice Age. The Tyrannosaurus are not going to do too well in here. This ain’t no fucking cretaceous period. This Mount. Everest, bitch! So… We have all of our… …tittysaurus rexes down here. Among our floating… …bouncing, itty trees. You know, it’s good, they’re all going to get funneled… …down here, into the mountain… …and my 2000… kangaroos are gonna go. You know these are just regular old T-Rexes. The Terry the tyrannical is like a T-2000. This is just a regular old terminator… …right here. But, I’m hoping… …the rocks act… Like the avalanches acts kind of like… meteoric impact. You get what I’m going for? You feel me? I am worried about my roosies doosies, as well. I don- Ha ha ha! Fuck yeah, I can get behind these guys! Bouncy, full of energy, constantly headbanging. hmm… I’m just going to get the front of this. Is what I really want to see. So now that they’re regular T-rexes the kangaroos might have chance. Oh yes. here we go, oh you guys are effed. You’re about to get effed in the A! Let’s see how many it actually kills. There’s four dead so far. There’s five, six… This is doing fucking nothing! It killed like five of them. That fucking sucks. It’s a last ditch effort, lads. As much as I love the T-Rexes… As much as I want to see them win… and devour and destroy everything. That’s boring. You kind of have to make it a fair fight… …in some regards, so… Same thing as before, same formations. These guys are going to come in, wreck shop. Probably kill a whole ass load of kangaroos. But… …the kangaroos… They’s got the back up. Where’s my backup? Backup? Okay… So… We had a little bit of a snag… a little bit of a snafu. There’s supposed to be a bunch of archers on that hill. But, when I put them down… I don’t think the game allowed me too. So, we might have to go back to the drawing board. See? “1000 archers” Why weren’t you in here? I’m gonna put you on the path. I want to put on on the hill so you can fire justice from above. Doesn’t seem like you guys want to fire justice from above. Is it because you’re afraaaid? Is it because you’re a little weenie? You’re afraid of getting eaten by a T-Rex? So, well fucking… …tough titties. Maybe we can try somewhere else. Game doesn’t want me to have fun. It doesn’t want me to have the crack I want to have. So, i’m just going to have to make my own. Yeah yeah, you’re all very scary… …Big T-Rex, woot woot, scary. Now we have… …our roosies. Our archers, but we also have… …a secret menu! Secret, stealth catapults. Wanna see if they can actually fire from there… …and hit the T-Rexes. Don’t fall into the water though. Don’t do that. That’s the bad one if you do that. Okay, this actually might be fun… this time. We might actually see. What I really want to happen, is I want the T-Rexes to actually die. Basically, it’s no fun if they win anything. I love them, they’re awesome, and I’m so glad they’re in the game… ….but we need a fair fight too. They’ve already killed… …like a thousand of my kangaroos. I don’t have that many kangaroos left! Okay, have you guys started firing… …shit yet? Okay, archers are firing. That’s nice. Catapults are firing. There’s only 31 T-Rexes… …killed though- oh. Scratch that, 33. Oh, big fucking one, big numbers. Tell them to corporate and see how… …how well they like those numbers. You need to kill them faster, get bigger arrows! Oh, you guys are so fucked. Oh, these are just regular T-Rexes. You gotta take them down, they’re not even Terry the Tyrannicals. That tell you how shit you guys are. Yes, very shit. Very shit, big shit. Dodokaka pants. This, ladies and gentlemen… … is what failure looks like. Are you guys doing your job? Yes. But, you might as well be flinging piles of jam at them. They’re not doing anything. They’re just like “Ah, nope” just eating the rocks. What you’re doing is giving them power. My archers might as well have been made out of fucking tissue. They just got fucked. You killed 61… 62… Oh no. It’s not showing me the rest of the teams. Oh, I guess they all just count as “Team Kangaroo” [Smacks lips] Well then. There’s still 178 T-Rexes left. You are super pretty. Who’s a good T-Rex? Who’s a good T-Rex? Now, that does it for this episode of “Ultimate Epic Battle Simulator” I didn’t do anything too crazy. I just kind of wanted to test out the T-Rexes, cause they were the new, hot shit in town. The new hotness. So, I wanted to see what they were capable of. I should just have… …an all out war. With like… …a shit ton of different factions and just sees who wins. See, it’s hard to balance them out. Because some… Some creatures and some warriors are just WAY overpowered. Chunk being one of them and the T-Rexes…. And that kind of thing. So it’s hard to see what goes against what. How many teams can we actually have? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. No, team 8. So it’s be curious- there’s way more than 8 things you can put in. But 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… 7, 8. There’s nine categories, so maybe we can put in one from each? Leave out the heroes cause those are the golden knights and chums. Maybe we’ll do that next time! And have an entire battle. I like the sounds of that! Anyway, THANK YOU GUYS so much for watching this episode… If you LIKED it… PUNCH that like button in its booter hole… LIKE A BOSS! And… High fives all round. WAPUSH! WAPUSH! Thank you guys and I’ll see all you dudes… In the next video! Thanks for watching! 😀 Captions by: Trista W This fucking music gets you pumped! YEAH! BATTLE!

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  1. Do you see your problem? You the only thing that made you fail was the fact the you used catapults, you shitfuck. Trebuchets would’ve done the job, they would’ve fired much heavier rocks without having to move from the position you placed them in (90 kg rock a whole fucking 300 meters).

  2. I like how you thought that the T-Rex's would have a hard time in the Ice Age, but you completely ignore the fact that kangaroos are from Australia. Thank You for making me laugh.

  3. Jack btw t-rex’s evolved to chickens so when you said that kangaroos evolved from t-rex u’re wrong. Btw i was just saying that you were wrong this is NOT a hate comment so im just pointing it out that you were actually wrong.

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