Eddie Sucks | The Paranormal Action Squad | Episode 4
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Eddie Sucks | The Paranormal Action Squad | Episode 4

August 28, 2019


( alarm blares ) Pad, state the emergency. It’s Tuesday. Trash pick up.
Cans need to go to the curb. – Not it.
– Not it. You snooze,
you lose, Eddie. Really, Paul?
Come on. I’ve done it for, like,
six straight weeks. The rules of
“not it” clearly state that the first to say
“not it” is relieved
of said duty. Right. Right.
Right. Okay. Cleanup! Not it! That’s self-imposed.
It’s your cleanup
by default. – Damn it.
– Paranormal disturbance
detected. The Carrousel Cantina,
highway seven. El Marco Way. We’re on it. – ( trash bin crashes )
– Mother f–. Son a bi–
come on.( people fighting )Now who’s next? I’d love to get
my drink on. ( laughing ) Come on, you flying
dusty shit ball! I’ve married meaner
than you. Really?
Ooh, you’re gonna
bite me? ( bleep ). A Necrodomian vampire
from the sixth century.
He is a vicious– ( bleep )
the history lesson. That is one nasty
bloodsucker. Let’s get
our fists dirty. Did someone say fisting? Mmm. That looks delicious. Paul, come on!
Back me up! I’m the smart guy here.
I don’t do brute strength. It’s not really my…
thing. How about a taste of this,
Count Jerkula? What the–? Come on, you piece of shit.
Hey, I got nothing here. Battery is depleted.
Oh, boy. Paul, grab me
six triple As. Ri– right now? Come on. Move. Double A… nine volt. Where you at, man? Um, he– here!
Just reach for it. Help! Help! Ooh. A feisty one.
I love it when my meals
make me earn it. Paul, a little
help over here. Go! Go! Go! Somebody do something! Yeah, don’t be chicken shits. Flank left, full cover.
Dominate center. Suck silver,
you commie bastard. Well, when the silver arrows
come out, it’s time for my exit. It’s been real,
and it’s been fun. But it hasn’t
been real fun. ( laughter )
I’m so rich. 9-17, the vampire
eluded capture. Unexpected code 7. Mission failure
due to a couple of ass wipes. Back off, Dunham. So, you guys on his case or you’re just here
to drink your miserable
lonely lives away? –( laughter )
– Ugh, you’re such a loser. Orb, you got my number. See, you go ahead and call me when you’re done fiddling around
with these pansy boys. Just so you know, we are certified by
the Paranormal Institute
of Ghostlogy.com, and we’ve been decorated
by the Temecula Institute
of Paranormal Studies and air conditioning repair. Oh, and just so you know, that vampire made you
pee your drawers. –( laughter )
– Now, if you’ll excuse us… I’ll see you
circle jerks later. Uh, yeah.
Good work everyone. What happened
back there, Paul? I’m sorry, Eddie. My strength
has always been here. Not here. I’m telling you.
You are so lucky that thing
didn’t bite me. Uh, yeah.
Lucky for the both of us. You don’t want that hanging
over your head. Nope. You put up a good fight. – I’m sure you’re fine.
– Yeah, I’m good. Mwah. Come here, handsome. Aah! ( bleep ) you, coppers! Eddie:
You screwed up, Paul.
Big time!
Thanks to you,
I’m a goddamn vampire. Come on,
it’s not that bad. Got the badger
you wanted, Eddie. Damn, that is cold-blooded. Actually, Vanoss, the badger’s
a warm-blooded creature. – Found mostly in wooded areas–
– Paul, stop trying
to change the subject. Look at me.
You did this to me. Vanoss, dude.
What I wanna know is
where did you find a badger? Bingo? That’s my mom’s. Well, it was my mom’s. Police scanner key words alert indicate us detect a statewide
manhunt for Eddie. He’s wanted for vampire
attacks throughout the city. It’s not the first time that
he sucked a lot of people. Oh, God. A vampire.
Eddie, I’m leaving. Don’t even try
to come near me. I just ate a shit ton
of pasta linguini. I got serious garlic breath,
and I’m not afraid to use it. You owe my mom a badger. I’m sorry, Eddie. You’re right.
I couldn’t handle it. – I just– I was too scared.
– And now I’m
a ( bleep )ing vampire. What happens next? You’re gonna shove
a stake in my heart? I say let’s do it.
That’s the easy way. And if you need help,
I can just– Nope, that is not
going to happen. Okay, then there’s
the hard way. Eddie is a
Necrodomian vampire. To get him back to his
annoying self, you need to find
the vampire that sired him. VampChat geo tag indicates Necrodomian
vampire’s location. At the Cave of Wretchedness. Damn. I’ll let him
suck me any friggin’
day of the week. – We have got to do this.
– Oh, great. Let me– let me
know how that works out. – ( crunch )
– Really? So you’re not taking any
responsibility for this? You know what?
I have a better idea.
I’ll guard the truck. Hey, what’s that, Paul? What is that?
Is that a new watch? Why, yes, Eddie,
and the kitty cat
says it’s 5:00. Can I get a closer look? – What are you doing?
– He’s vamping out. Speed it up, dudes,
or he’s gonna hit
a point of no return. I almost fed on your blood.
Nice work, Paul. Fast-approaching
vehicle detected. Oh, it’s vampire-killing time. – Shit! No good.
– It’s Dunham.
We gotta move. Step on it. Paul, you’re the one driving. Suck silver,
you commie bastard! ( shrieks, tires screech ) – Come on, Paul, faster.
– Can’t. The speed limit is 40. Are you kidding me? He did not
think that through.Owl head.Oh, I’m coming,
vampire mother( bleep ). Oh, man.
The Cave of Wretchedness. And going by the smell,
it’s the rear entrance. Oh. It’s hell’s butthole. You know what, Eddie?
You go first,
and I won’t. Coordinates confirmed.
Detect the presence
of Necrodomian vampire. How about that? Looks like
the cub scouts got here first. Hand over the vein sucker. Oh, you mean your mom?
She’s not here, asshole. Hand over the vampire
and no one gets hurt.Except for Eddie.
Oh, yeah.
We’re gonna squish him
like a little baby melon. No, you can’t have him. Well, look at fanny pack. What do you think
you’re gonna do?You got nowhere to go.Oh yeah? Well– Well,
watch me go this nowhere. ( laughter )
Come on, fanny pack. We all know you don’t have the big hanging testes
to go in there. You know, people who go in
there, they do not come out. Yeah, well. Some of us
go in there to die, but we are going
in there to live. That does not
make any sense, Paul. Yeah, but it’ll look real nice
carved in your grave stone. ( sighs ) I’m okay. I’m okay. Oh, that’s–
that’s a rotting corpse.Oh, and another one.Happy place, I’m good.
Everything’s okay. – Ugh…
– I’m not scared… –( laughter )
– Aah! I’ve been
expecting you. You’re just in time
for dessert. You know, I wouldn’t
mind a little dessert. Ugh! I know, I should really
be eating grass-fed, but you really can’t beat
the marbling on the fat ones. I can hear your heart
beating out of your chest. Your blood pressure
is rising. You’re terrified. Yo– you don’t sca–
scare me. ( laughs ) Pathetic man. Your cowardice brought
your friend to me. And tonight,
we’ll honor your frailty by feasting
on your flesh. After all, I do love
the taste of… chicken. ( laughing ) Why is he laughing so hard?
It’s not even that funny. ( shouts ) It’s just a penis. You shouldn’t be embarrassed
if it’s an inny. Shut up. Not in front
of the destroyers. – ( laughter )
– I’m a grower, not a shower. Well, ain’t that some shit? I have vanquished my demon, and that demon’s name
is cowardice. What’s going on?
How did I get here? Two men went inside
hell’s butthole and lived
to tell about it. Well, fanny pack, maybe you do have
a couple of pellets rattling around inside
that little pouch of yours. You know, you ever
wanna hang with us,
here’s my number. Wow, you know what?
Thank you. Hold on. I have something here
for you as well. I’ll see you
bag of dicks later. Destroyers, mount up! Hey, thanks for
stepping up, Paul. You may have the heart
of a kitty cat, but you’ve got the mighty
fists of a wolverine. I’m really sorry I put
you through all of this, but in the end, I feel like
I can conquer the world! – This isn’t over,
you shitheads!
– ( shrieks )

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