Crap archery in Helen of Troy
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Crap archery in Helen of Troy

August 16, 2019


Now to watch some really abysmal archery How did he miss from there! He missed to the right, you notice, where he hit that big sack, but never mind, he gets another go and.. now wait a minute! That is quite clearly just a bit of paper or something glued to one side of the arrow thus forming two flights, but to stabilise an arrow in 3-dimensional space, you need a minimum of 3 flights. [sigh] honestly… Oh, and look at the way he’s holding that bow with that pinch grip in his right hand. Oh, that’s painful. Oh, he missed to the left that time! Oh and the sack has moved across, you’ll notice. That’s quite prescient of them, isn’t it, to move it there, knowing that he was going to miss in that direction. Exposition dialogue. – because he wants you to take a message – to the new king Menelaus. – Younger brother of high king Agamemnon – of Mycenae. – High king? Some sort of supreme ruler is he? – That’s right – And now he is talking war against Troy. – Why? Yeah, why? – Because we control access to the silks – and spices of Byzantium. Ha! – What? Well, there isn’t a silk trade yet, that won’t be established for centuries, and there isn’t a Byzantium either. – Where is he now? This high king of theirs? Now, we are about to see him shoot sideways because, I don’t know, it’s meant to be cooler or something, and maybe it’s a gag. Very metallic clunk. Nerrrr. Now we’re going to get another look at the bow and you’ll see just how ridiculously deep it is. Look, even when he’s not drawing it back it’s so bent that his arms are only long enough to bend it just a little bit more. That is a very inefficient bow. Now, I put this one down to Saving Private Ryan. People seem to have this idea that landings should be opposed. One reason is that you get to kill large numbers of people, and that apparently is what good action is, but it is a rather ridiculous thing with all these men jumping into the water in all their kit, just like they did in Saving Private Ryan. Well, why would they do this? Why would they make an opposed landing? Almost no landings throughout history, in any period, were opposed. Oh, you see, they’ve got no noseguards there so they must be major characters. To oppose a landing today you just need a couple of machine guns and you can do an army quite a lot of harm, but back in those days, you needed a big army to stop a big army. And if a big army was in position to stop a big army, then the invading army would just land somewhere else and march across. Now, these incredibly low-poundage bows JUST … in fact some of the arrows don’t actually make it out of the frame, but most of them JUST make it out of frame. I’ll slow some down for you, but uhm.. Oh! Wow – can you imagine the power of a bow to knock a man off his feet from 400 yards? Anyway, no-one is holding the shield in front of him, you’ll notice, I suppose that the CGI.. another man down.. that CGI arrows are just not threatening enough. HOLD YOUR SHIELD IN FRONT OF YOU, SOMEONE! Come on, you are being shot at! I know they are only CGI but you could pretend, couldn’t you? Oh… fire arrows. I’m going to have to make another video about these soon. In summary: no, and, just no. Right. Let’s see if they’ve learned anything about the sh… no, no they still haven’t hold your shields in front of you, you’re being felled with lots of arrows. The shields are there for your protection. Oh, look at these.. I’m gonna slow it right down ooh, some of those arrows just limped out of the shot but OH MY GOODNESS, everyone a coconut when they HIT, what POWER they have. Oh, that one actually FELL onto him and killed him. WOW look at that! Knocked off his feet! Incredible power… Who would have guessed it? That guy would have been living now if he just held his shield properly. – Archers! A single word from Priam and all these archers are summoned. They were just waiting for him. They were to do nothing unless he said the magic word. Let’s hope he doesn’t tell them to “fire”. Tell them to “shoot”. Please… – FIRE! Oh dear… So, what’s the target? Well, it’s this massed melee in front involving his own men and those of the enemy. So he’s shooting lots of his own men. But it’s okay, it’s in a movie and that’s standard, so everyone just pairs off in duels There’s no front line. Let’s just see how many men we can kill as quickly as possible. Do you know what? I’ve had enough.. That was quite a nice shot there on the ladder Oh, good writhing! Right, now, I’m not going to slow the footage down this time, this is full speed, I assure you. I want you to look at this arrow here. And try to ignore, if you can, this funny fiery thing on the right. Twang… twang… Yep, it just falls into his eye. Now, a very good order from Odysseus now. – Retreat from the archers! Yeah, retreat from the archers, but not from anyone else? But look how cooperative everyone is! Everyone just stops fighting, and just breaks apart. No blows are exchanged. Amazing. – The Greeks have sailed. – Can it be possible? Yes, can it be that they have summoned him urgently, and yet not given him any clue as to why? – Search their camp. Now, the legends say that the Greeks made a really good job of pretending to sail away, but it seems they’ve abandoned all their stuff here. A.. a cauldron! They are really expensive! One of the most expensive, if not the most expensive things a household would own would be its cauldron Now this eagle-eyed boy… er… Will he spot the thing? He’s looking for it. Oh, oh! I think he’s seen it! Yep, just five paces in front of him is a… What do you think it’s going to be? A sixty-foot tall wooden horse. Well, I say “wooden”, but it is clad in bronze. And not just a small amount of bronze. Oh, no. That’s a HUGE amount of bronze. Look how thick the slabs are. There’s a bit around the front, there. I don’t know if a foundry existed at that time, capable of making a single piece of bronze that big. I now know why the Trojans brought in the wooden horse. It’s because, well, there was enough bronze on it to pay for the war. That’s a fortune in bronze there. A few jump cuts to get them forward. Just listen to this English dialogue. They’re hamming it up a bit, but to be fair, it is very difficult to react realistically to a big Sixty-foot… nothing. – The Aegeans are not to be trusted, – nor their gifts. No, sorry, the ‘Aegean’, that’s the sea off the coast of Troy, where you are now. The ‘Achaeans’ on the other hand, they are the people who besieged Troy, according to Homer. See also ‘Argives’ and ‘Danaans’. – The Aegeans are not to be trusted, – nor their gifts Even prepared, Priam has a single word that he needs to speak, and this will summon archers from nowhere who will then test any wooden sculptures in the area for occupants. – Archers. Bows don’t creak! Those are the slowest arrows I’ve ever known. I did the calculations, and they were going at 15 feet per second, those arrows. My bow, which is not very powerful, does about 170… – Noble king, this is a day of great sadness for you. Yeah, not just you, mate.

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  1. Of course, Byzantium. Also, does anyone remember on which side was the Byzantine Empire in WW2?

  2. That melee at 3:50 is some of the most lethargic fighting I've ever seen in my life; one guy at the front can barely be bothered to lift his sword! (Admittedly this scene is out of context and they could be really tired, but still.)

  3. It's a good thing he keeps missing. Shooting a hard wooden target will destroy your arrows in fairly short order. No wonder he's shooting such crappy arrows. It'd cost a fortune otherwise.

  4. Well actually there was Byzantium. It was a Greek city in the place later Constantinople was built. Vizantio was the proper Greek name. And also I am pretty sure the was silk. Just not the Silk Road Trade Path was not established

  5. To be fair to the Saving Private Ryan soliders; they jumped in the water only after their boats, and themselves caught fire.

  6. when he says byzantium he dosent talking about the eastern roman empire but he talks about the byzantium as geographical location

  7. Theres 2 mistales with your video so far:
    1-Bizantium did exist, although its was just a city named bizantios, a greek city in the area were istambul lies today.
    2-landing were oposed at that era, theres plenty of examples of armies of all sizes opposing landings

  8. Didn’t anyone tell the actors were to aim when shooting that big cgi horse?
    They are all aiming in different directions….

  9. Don’t hate on Saving Private Ryan. That was based on a true event where a landing was actually opposed and lots of people actually did die.

  10. Αt least they got them Mediterranean kilts, which I find pretty accurate,COMPARED TO THE REST OF THE COSTUME!!!!!!

  11. Why would he scream: "fire"? Fire had nothing to do with a bow or ballista. Wtf has fire to do with shooting?

  12. The crap director had no idea what archery is. The bows are neither longbows nor composite bows. Probably director cut the budget here.

  13. A Roman landing in Britain was opposed and due to “equipment issues” and “landscape problems” the Romans had to drop in the channel fully kitted out, and wade in under fire….not sure why these guys ^ didn’t just beach the ships though, mostly cause I’ve never seen whatever this is…

    P.S. I wonder whether “Greek fire”-soaked rag wrapped around an arrowhead would produce a viable fire arrow

  14. those troops dropping like turds into the water plus the shimmering crumby cg green screen backdrop made me laugh

  15. The actual discourse when the horse was brought inside the walls…

    "Sir, they've left a massive horse for us"
    "Ah, What is it made out of?"
    "Bronze and wood sir"
    "Take the bronze, chop the rest. In the fastest way possible"
    "Yes sir"

    30 mins later….

    "Sir, I believe there are enemy men in the horse"
    "How do you know this?"
    "It's hollow, and we hear what appears to be someone having a wee"
    "Right, pull it outside the walls, surround it and set a fire beneath it"
    "Yes sir"

  16. I have seldom seen so many bad attributes to an archery scene in one shot. As an instructor I am insulted. It's laughable

  17. What’s the point in lighting the arrow on fire? 😂 they aren’t cause any spread of fire on troops so its basically useless

  18. 2:34. Oh wow, can you imagine the power of a bow that can knock a man off his feet at 400 yards " roflmao,

  19. That archery… in the beginning… was especially fucking dreadful… Had he picked up a bow before?????

  20. Someone tell them what a shield does. I’m no expert, but I don’t think a rather heavy bit of iron is just for decoration, I think you should at least give a bit of effort in trying to cover yourself.

  21. I agree with everything, accept the comment of the necessity of having 3 fletch arrows. I used to belive that you need 3, but in fact you can use two fletches. In fact two fletch arrows have been used historically. Recently I was told that the you could also use one. I coulden't belive it, I had to try my self and it works.

  22. The Byzantium they were likely referring to was a small fishing town on the sight of modern day Istanbul, and the Byzantine Empire is named after this town. However it was not related to any spice or silk trade

  23. Haha this movie "Helen of Troy" is actually my favorite version of the story; I like it far better than "Troy" with Brad Pitt!

  24. Thanks Lloyd.
    I definitely won’t be watching this series.
    You’ve taken the hard work out of taking the mik!

  25. The king and his general are overlooking the battlefield from a nearby hill.
    "General!"
    "Yes, Mylord?"
    "What arethese round things my soldiers are carrying on their left arm?"
    "Those are shields, your highness."
    "What are shields usually used for?"
    "To wear off enemy attacks, Mylord."
    "Tell me, general. What happens when a shield gets hit by arrows?"
    "Not much, Sire. Most arrows will just bounce of. A few might get stuck, but even those should pose no threat."
    "Why then, General, aren't my soldiers using their shields? I guess, once this war is over, the position to command my army will be vacant."

  26. There were arrows historically that had only two feathers, but there were none that had no nocks on them 😂

  27. LindyBeige… You didn't pick up that he's crossing the arrow to the left if the Bow….and that's wrong..
    Very wrong.!!

  28. King Priam: "Burn the horse where it is . . . as a sacrifice to the gods!"
    Falsetto voice from inside the horse: "Maybe we should take it inside the city instead and wait until tomorrow to burn it."
    King Priam: "Who said that?" *looks around suspiciously * "No. We're burning it right here and now."
    Falsetto voice: "But look at all that bronze. If we burn it here, it'll be after dark before it's cool enough to handle and someone may sneak out and steal the bronze pieces."
    King Priam: "That's actually a good point! Let's do that! Bring it inside!"
    Falsetto voice: "And we should leave snack offerings beneath the horse, and maybe park it near a latrine or something because I didn't go before I got in . . .I mean before I came out here to see the horse."

    https://giphy.com/gifs/southparkgifs-26ueZ7bYkDQ4YeHx6 Beware Greeks bearing Gifs.

  29. Very historically inaccurate, I can tell already from the pinch grip and lack of knock at the end of his arrow. And his bow string is far too short for that bow of his. He’s going to either break it or bend it to the point in which its no longer usable.

  30. Almost no landings were opposed in history, if you were opposed you would land elsewhere.
    Agreed.
    Apart from Hakata Bay.

  31. TBH, the only reason I even watched this movie is because the bloody actress was the only one I have ever thought close enough to be called a Helen. But yeah this movie was horrid.

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