Hey, winter’s almost over, you guys. Which means we’re at the point where we
can look back and just laugh at it. Ha, ha, look at winter. Gasping for air, barely surviving—aww,
f*ck off and die, winter. See, you can laugh at things when they’re dying. And nothing’s
more deserving of your callous and unfeeling laughter, than Winter Olympic Games, for the
SEGA Genesis. Actually, there’s nothing funny about this
game. Boy, oh boy, where do we begin? Hey, how about
the beginning, back when we were sane? You turn it on and you’re greeted by a little
girl with a magic flag. Look, she can turn it into any flag she wants, just by waving
it. She’s like the Ghost of Christmas International Cooperation. And she thinks the Olympics are
a disco. So this one’s not magic, she’s just confused… And from there, we get to choose our game
mode. Full Olympics, or Mini Olympics. Which is like Olympics for little people. You know what they should’ve called this,
though. The Olympics for no people. There’s no people I’d recommend it to. Little people,
big people, magic people, confused people, it’s a no across the board. They all have
better things to do, and so do you. This is a collection of nine, ten…ish…minigames,
for the SEGA Genesis. None of which is any good, all of which are confusing on a variety
of levels. How do I adjust my aim less than two feet? How do I adjust my skis so I can land on them? How do I adjust my life from this point forward? Might as well start with the shooting, though,
the biathlon. That’s the one game I had even a remote amount of fun with, because
frankly, it takes ineptitude on an inhuman level to screw up shooting a rifle under poor
visibility in a snowstorm. But even this one’s strange, because you don’t have any idea
how to play. Like, there’s a meter, and I guess you’re supposed to keep the thing
in the middle… Until the thing just stops moving… At which point, it’s like…why even move
it? What’s the point? What’s the point of any of this? Anyway, that one’s kind of fun. Although,
keep in mind, it’s never fun in that competitive way. You’re never gonna win at this, guys.
I barely finished half these games. No, the fun comes in playing it, and surviving it.
Living to tell the tale, that’s the fun part. Like a pirate. There’s a downhill
skiing game where you can’t stay on your skis. There’s a bobsled game that’s also the
luge game. And there’s a skating game where you fall
down within seconds. That’s Winter Olympic Games. You can also play the events individually,
but until you memorize which is which, you never know which one you’re actually selecting.
I mean, look at the menu. It’s just a bunch of blurry pink boxes that you can’t even
see inside. Phrasing. So it’s like those toys you buy in those plastic balls, you don’t
know what you picked until you open it up. Only these toys are borderline defective. Hey, look at that, Varg was disqualified,
what a shocker. Not sure we should be giving him a gun, anyway. Well, let’s see how E-Dub
fairs on the—AHH. Here’s the thing about this game. Uh…it’s
not good. Like, in any way. It’s a game that no redeemable qualities in 1994, let
alone 2015. And it’s not like this game grew as a person, or learned anything. One,
because it’s not a person, it’s a bad video game. And two, because when you do something
this reprehensible… We, as a society, have decided you don’t
get a second chance. A judge sentences you to, like, 400 years.
Which is a dick move, because the chances of you making it the whole way to the end?
Uh…it’s not good. Kind of like Winter Olympics Games, for the
SEGA Genesis. Thanks to Dan from Branford, Connecticut,
for sending it to the show. It’s a 400-year sentence. Squished into
a video game.