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August 26, 2019

So I finally dug my way out of the supply
room Derek locked me in – something about having a time out after declaring every game
not to be Shining Force – but I’ll get the last laugh! Sure I haven’t eaten in five days
and all I had to drink was hand soap and the runoff from a case of pre-moistened scrubbing
wipes, so I may be hallucinating… but I will get my revenge! And it won’t be as pedestrian
as planting a bomb on this interstellar hunk-o-junk they call an arcade. He gets to do the top
ten N64 games and doesn’t even include Mischief Makers or Pokémon Snap? FINE. Time for: THE
TOP 3 ARMADILLOS IN GAMING. Apologies to Mighty the Armadillo, but if you can’t make it into
Sonic Heroes you can’t make it on this list. Number three! Get it? Dillon! ‘Cuz he’s an armadillo! Oh,
the puns, they don’t stop the sure shot. Dillon’s a spaghetti-scented mercenary protecting the
wild west – or some vaguely desertish, western-flavored area – from ambulatory rock monsters looking
to rustle up some livestock. Dillon’s got a number of tricks up his… um… lack of
sleeves… maybe in the gloves? Or under that bandanna. Somewhere, he’s got the capability
to build defense turrets and strengthen the settlement doors, making his particular role
kind of a tower-defense mediator. Anyway, he’s there to roll up the marauding Grocks,
by rolling into the oncoming hordes, occasionally breaking form to mix it up with some melee
combos. Plus, dude rocks a sweet hat. That’s enough to get him into Smash Bros. as an assist
trophy, and get him on this list. Get it? Armored! Man, these puns are the best
part about this. With the move to animals rather than just strangely-designed humanoid
robots, Mega Man X tapped into the mighty power of the Armadillo to fuel this outing.
Armored Armadillo’s as robust a beast as can be found in the game, owing to… follow me
here… ARMOR PLATING. It’s about a mile thick, can absorb incoming attacks, and release said
stored energy kinda like that Giga Burst Blast Bomb whatchamacallit. Not to mention all the
gravity-defying bouncing around the room. After that, it barely matters that his stationary
attack is… um… he pops a cannon out of his head and shoots small, slow-moving projectiles.
You don’t need offense with defense like that! Unless, of course, you’ve actually got the
Spark Shock and can just blast all of that armor right off. Then he’s kind of a sitting
duck… armadillo… thing. Screw puns. Guntz don’t got time for puns.
By far, the top armadillo in gaming is this beast: Guntz, the walking tank. You find him
assisting the eccentric Dr. Crock and acting as his guinea pi… erm… armadillo… only
to leave him behind in Rindo while you go chill with some bird-people. A couple chapters
later, you find him and his steam-powered battlesuit terrorizing… a sheep pen… whereupon
he informs you that all the kinks are worked out of the system and he’s ready to become
a member of the Shining Force. And you should put him in your team immediately, because
right from the jump he’s a BEAST. Sure, he’s got fairly low HP and the movement radius
of a limping clam, but those are offset by A) the highest defense in the game and B)
the Mobility Ring, acquired just a couple fights after he joins the force. Not only
is he a near-impenetrable wall of metal and heat, but he hits like a truck… as evidenced
by his promotion to Steam Baron, whereupon he attacks by FLIPPING A SET OF WHEELS OUT
OF HIS BACKHATCH AND RAMMING SHIT. That Mega Man X joker can’t even hold a candle to his
level of badass. Guntz is, hands, spears, rolling shields and ten-gallon hats down,
the #1 armadillo in gaming. Wear that with pride, brother.

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  1. What about the armadillo form Castlavania 4 that will knock you into the other side of the moon for looking at it funny? Or Rammus the Armordillo?

  2. The armadillo mascot from the FIFA World Cup 2014 videogame would've made this a sweet top 5, but it was a beautiful top 3 nevertheless. You did it, Shining Force rises with a vengeance!

  3. Not saying that League is the best but I feel that Rammus should be on this list, in fourth maybe. He's very much like the rest of them but he has Swag.

  4. Making a list of top armadillos in gaming and not including super-obscure Knuckles Chaotix character Mighty? You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

  5. "Haven't eaten in the last five days.." *holds up four fingers*

    Also, that hair toss at 0:13 made me question my sexuality.  I wonder if that was intended to be cut.

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