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Can You Beat Skyrim With Only A Fork?

August 18, 2019


Regardless of how you feel about Bethesda
RPGs, it’s hard to dispute how much there is to do in Skyrim. So many different ways to play through the
game: Archery, Stealth, Magic, Swords, Hammers, the list goes on and on. Of course, when you consider the fact that
you’re playing as a legendary hero who battles an almost primordial evil, there’s one weapon
that doesn’t really fit in with all the rest. Can You Beat Skyrim With Only A Fork? The first part of any Skyrim playthrough is
waking up and realizing that you’re riding towards your death. This is where things took a strange turn. There was something off. I just couldn’t put my finger on exactly
what it was. You might consider this bad, but I think otherwise. How often you do you get to do barrel rolls
in a wooden cart being pulled by a horse? Things settled down, we arrived in Helgen,
and it was time to create my character. This doesn’t matter all that much. I chose an Orc as my race because they’re
my preferred race. Yeah, that’s right, I’m an orc-supremacist. Don’t like it? Tough shit. Also they’ve got Berserker Rage which will
come in handy later. The dragon arrived, I escaped to Helgen Keep,
got my hands cut, and the game begins. Believe it or not, there are 2 kinds of Forks
in Skyrim. Utensils and Weapons. The utensil forks are relatively common. The weapon forks are not. And there’s no way to know which is which
until you pick it up and look in your inventory. But that’s okay because more important than
forks is the bucket on the table. It will make a fine addition to my collection. Alright, let’s real quickly go over a few
things about this run. This is a Fork Only Playthrough, which means
I can only attack enemies with a fork, that doesn’t mean I can’t wear armor, use shield
to block attacks, or use spells to heal myself. An enemy must only be damaged by a fork. The only other way is if they set off traps
and damage themselves. But that’s akin to an NPC running off a
cliff, it’s not really something I have any control over. Back to the game, avoiding the enemies in
Helgen Keep wasn’t all that difficult. I looted stuff, found another bucket, taunted
the bear, realized bears are shockingly quick, escaped the cave, activated a Stone, swam
with the fishies, and was off to Riverwood. There I sold most of my stuff to the Riverwood
Trader, obviously kept my 5 buckets, and the search for a fork begins. According to the Wiki, there are only a handful
of weapon forks in the entire game, including DLCs. One of which is near High Hrothgar, so that’s
where I was going. Normally you would take the 17 steps up there,
but I’m stubborn and refuse to adhere to social norms, so I’m not going to take the
steps. I’m going on a mountain climbing adventure! The initial journey to the base of the mountain
was pretty easy. A little ways up the mountain it started to
rain, and nothing makes climbing a snowy mountain easier than freezing rain and lightning. I continued climbing. Then I climbed some more. After successfully climbing for a few minutes,
I rewarded myself with more climbing. About 10 minutes later I arrived at High Hrothgar. The fork is located beyond the courtyard,
and the front door is locked. Unfortunate. Luckily, I just thinking about how cool it
would be to go mountain climbing, so I took the easy path to the courtyard by going around
the temple. Master Ernie didn’t have much to say to
me. But the fork was now closer to my possession
than ever before. I watched a tutorial and discovered that it
would be harder than I previously thought to get aforkmentioned utensil. I must pass the chilly breeze of mild discomfort
after which I would find my treasure beneath a wooden bridge. I avoided the wind by going up the mountain. Then I figured that if I was going that far
up the mountain, I might as well see if I could talk to Parthurnax early by reaching
the Throat of the World before you’re supposed to. You can’t, but I did make it to the Throat
after another 8 minutes or so of mountain climbing adventures. I wasn’t going to leave without being respectful
of the sacred snow on which I treaded. I left one of my most prized possessions,
a bucket, at the Throat of the World. I also left a broom up there because I didn’t
want my bucket to be lonely. From there, I descended down the mountain
towards the bridge, which was surprisingly difficult to find. But I found it, used some magic to shield
myself from a corrupt snowflake, dropped beneath the bridge, and finally I found it. A weapon stowed away by the gods themselves
for fear of its unholy power. 1 damage. Awesome. I also took the knife because separating a
brother and sister felt wrong. You’re probably wondering which is the boy
and which is the girl. I won’t give it away, but I will tell you
this: the knife is a whore. With my weapon of mass destruction finally
in hand, I was eager to put it to the test. I started with the bandit at White River Watch. And you know what? It could be worse. Actually it couldn’t because the fork does
1 fucking damage, but it only took about 20 swings to kill the first Bandit, and then
I got a sweet execution on the 2nd. From there, I began advancing the game’s
story by entering Whiterun, selling some stuff, observing Adrianne’s interesting smithing
technique, informing the Jarl of what happened at Helgen, getting a mission from Farengar,
the court wizard, and then I was off to find the Dragonstone. Can we just take a second to acknowledge how
good this game looks with a few mods? Just wonderful. I made a mess of a few Bandits, upped my armor
rating to 96, got into a scuffle with a Scavenger, and then I decided that the shield was making
things too easy. So from now on, no shield. Only Fork. The Bandits guarding Bleak Falls Barrow proved
to be laughably disposable, as did their friends inside. Also, if you’re wondering why you can’t
see my Fork, it’s because Bethesda can’t do anything right. It’s visible in first person, just not in
third person. This is a bug that occurs throughout this
run. A Bandit Outlaw was the first enemy that took
a considerable amount of time to kill. He hit like a dead baby, but could take a
stern poke with a fork better than expected. I progressed further into the mine, discovered
that kitchen utensils suck at clearing out spiderwebs, used Berserker Rage the first
time to kill a Giant Spider, then quickly killed Arvel the Swift to recover the Golden
Claw. Further into the dungeon I encountered the
Draugr for the first time, used a trap to kill a few of them who were being especially
annoying, and eventually came face to face with the Draugr Overlord. I used Berserker Rage again to kill the Overlord,
recovered the Dragonstone, returned it to Farengar, the court wizard, and received word
of a dragon attack. All things considered, this Dragon fight was
lackluster. I did get an execution on it, but my fork
was invisible so it might as well have not happened at all. The Jarl gave me a donkey, I refused her company
because, look at her, she’s just the worst in every way imaginable. My previous adventures came in handy as I
fast-traveled up to High Hrothgar to meet with the Greybeards who nicely opened the
door for me this time. Now, in order to proceed, you must use a shout
on Angelica. No way around it that I could find unless
you wanted to do some big speed running skips, but that would largely defeat the purpose
of this playthrough, so I screamed at the old man and got him all randy. Master Ernie granted me his knowledge of a
word of power, Master Boris had me shoot my shout at a few T-Series fans, went outside
and nearly took off Boris’s head when I bashed him with my fork, ran through a gate
that they rudely closed after I had opened it earlier, and went back to the throat of
the world to check on my bucket. Still perfect. While I was up there, I decided to head up
to the real top of the world. Up there I found a neat-o pickaxe, mined some
rock, and when I tried to pull out my fork the game crashed. Too much power I suspect. I re-opened the game and went to find the
Horn of Jurgen Windcollar. The crash fixed my invisible fork problem,
so it wasn’t a total loss. On my way to Ustengrav I encountered a dragon
and poked him as hard as I could with my fork. Didn’t do much. The dragon followed me all the way to Ustengrav
from the Sky Altar. Inside Ustengrav I contracted a few STDs,
probably from the fake wolf someone had, went back to Whiterun to heal myself, roughed up
a few Cultists, decided that I would stuff all my important items up inside one of the
Cultist corpses for safe keeping, then went back to Ustengrav and discovered that a very
special someone had stolen the… whistle? What is it? A horn, that’s right. As punishment for stealing the horn, I stole
all the buckets from the Sleeping Giant Inn. I also stole most of their food and their
cups and sold them to the Golden Boy in Riverwood Trader. Then I returned the horn, was surrounded by
old men in bath robes who could certainly overpower me if they were so inclined, accidentally
fell down a waterfall and died, robbed a Giant, poked him with me fork, and watched him launch
a wolf to the fucking moon. I timed it, that wolf was in the sky for over
12 seconds. Just goes to show you should never judge a
man by the number of buckets he has. Some Red bitch started whackin’ me with
her hammer, so I stuck my fork in her spine. This weather mod I installed really is cool. Look at this rain. And just like that, I’m a mod reviewer. I’d put tits in this video’s thumbnail
but I actually have some self respect. At the dragon burial site I was violently
shoved out of the way by a skeleton being born. I poked it to death, questioned Delphino,
and prepared to travel to the Thalmore’s party. To really prepare, though, I had to explore
a dark and mysterious force that view understand. I enchanted my Fork with Fire damage. It now does a staggering 2 points of burn
damage. I have successfully taken an ordinary kitchen
utensil and turned it into the most valuable fork in the known universe. No one man should have all this power. But I am no mortal man, because I sexually
identify as a big rock being thrown into the ocean. And that’s fact. Unfortunately, I used about half of the fork’s
charge on the way to Solitude. Then I gave my fork, armor, a few potions,
and my 11 buckets to Malborn, donned my Party Outfit, traveled to the Thalmore Embassy,
did the classic party prank of dropping a pie on someone’s head and stealing all the
food. Then I spoke to Malborn again, got my items
back, most importantly my buckets, burned a few elves, stole a few notebooks, broke
into the dungeons, killed their prisoner, escaped, returned to Delphino’s hole, got
the rest of my stuff back, and was off to Riften to find Esbern. In Riften I did a job for Brynjolf that involved
stealing a ring and planting it on someone else. But there was an innocent bucket sitting out
their in the open, and I couldn’t let it suffer in silence, so I stole that before
planting the ring and heading down into the Ratway. Hewon Skeever-Fucker proved a formidable opponent,
tougher than some of the dragons I’ve fought, but all fall before the might of the fork. Further into the Ratway I passed through the
Thieve’s Guild headquarters, stole their buckets, accidentally lit a deaf chick on
fire before I killed her, and reloaded a save because a torch is not a fork. And then, uh, something strange happened. A bug, of sorts. When I reloaded the quicksave, the game placed
me inside Esbern’s house, and then it happened again after I reloaded a normal save. It didn’t change anything, but I did get
to see Esbern unlock his door. Kinda neat. Then I escorted Esbern to Riverwood and listened
to his and Delphino’s plan. If you’re wondering what happened to all
of Delphino’s stuff, I stole it all a while ago. The plan was to go to the Sky Temple to learn
about something. On the way there I was attacked by a dragon,
which was bullshit because I was standing in a very large puddle. His fire should have been ineffective. Whatever. I ran, and ran, and ran, and killed a death
puppy, ran some more, killed all the Draugr in a cave because someone said I couldn’t,
ran some more after that, ignored all the unpleasantness going on at Karthspire, entered
the mine, did puzzle, tried to slit my wrist and failed miserably, and entered the Sky
Haven Temple. In the temple I found some awesome Blades
Armor, a couple Blades Swords to sell, a unique sword that does 20 extra damage to Dragons
that unfortunately can’t be can’t be disenchanted and applied to my fork, and also found a really
cool set of samurai armor. But it’s from a mod, so despite it looking
awesome, I left it because it would have felt like cheating to me. With sadness in my heart, I returned to Angie
looking for a shoulder to cry on, but only found a mean old man. Luckily Master Boring spoke up and reminded
Armando of what is position is: to serve me. So we went outside, I learned a new word that
will allow me to finally kick my grandmother’s ass in Scrabble, fas-traveled up to the Throat
of the World, spoke to Parthurnax and ran into an issue. The dragon wants me to blow fire on his face. Problem is, that does damage. I’m sure you know what my first thought
was. For a moment I contemplated offering up my
buckets as a sign of good will, but there are some things even I won’t do. Instead I decided to fight Parthurnax to the
death with my fork. And you know what? After about 10 minutes of furious poking,
I did it. Well, almost. Turns out you can’t kill him at this moment. So I was forced to blast him with fire. From there I had to travel to the College
of Winterhold to learn the location of an Elder Scroll. Along the way, I paid 1000 gold for the son
of Stupid the Horse. For some reason I assumed that the Stupid
the Horse V2 could fly. Bad decision on my part. I arrived at the college, spoke to Uggo, and
after an unfortunate fall, the son of Stupid the Horse died from his injuries. Rest in peace, buddy. You couldn’t fly, so I guess you were pretty
much worthless. Good-riddance. I didn’t bury him, instead I left him to
freeze on a rock, killed a few seals, talked with Septimus Signus, sold stuff, stole a
few more buckets, discovered Alftan, and decided it was time to take things to the next level. I ventured to an Orc stronghold, then went
passed the stronghold to a smithery where things are smithed and whatnot. Legend has it that on a table near the forge
is another fork that can be wielded as a weapon. Just imagine it: dual wielding forks! Well, don’t believe everything you read
on the internet, kids, because that turned out to be a lie. It was an eating fork, not a fighting fork. Todd Howard, even in death you’ve found
a way to fuck me. After that letdown I went back to Alftan to
enter the most boring place in Tamriel; Dwemer ruins. The only redeeming quality is that the Spider
Workers have soul gems in them which are useful for refueling my fork. I’m not gonna waste too much of your time
with this because I wasted too much of my own. After I found the spanking machine, I took
a monumental fall, parkoured my way down the giant hole, ignored the Falmer because they’re
actually a real bitch to kill, let a Dwarven Centurian kill two tough cookies, upgraded
to fucking absurd Steel Plate armor, pushed through Jellyfish Fields, got the The Elder
Scroll (trademark), returned the cube to Signus, had an up close and personal chat with Parthurnax
who not only landed on one of my buckets, but then he tried to fuck me with his head. Then I read the Elder Scroll at the time wound,
watched the ancient heroes sing Knowledge is Power, and had to fight Alduin. At first I tried to not use Dragonrend, because
I couldn’t remember if it did any damage. You can’t fight Alduin in this situation
without it, so I used it, along it Berserker Rage, Oakflesh, and my fork to fight the mighty
son of Barney. I actually did more damage than you might
think. Alright so this is the epic fight for the
future of Skyrim. I’m running up the clock because some things
up coming up and this is about as good as it gets. Get your fill of dragon fighting? Great. Let’s move on. After Alduin fled, I convinced the Greybeards
to hold a meeting between the Stormcloaks and the Imperialcloaks. The meeting provided the Jarl of Whiterun
with the assurances he’d need to let me lure a dragon into downtown Whiterun. Once Odahviing was captured, I gave him a
few celebratory pokes with my fork. He didn’t like that because after he was
freed he started attacking me. I reloaded a save, rode to Skuldafin, and
realized that I should have gotten all my cheese from the Cultist’s corpse before
I left. Unlike last time, the big issue with Skuldafin
was the Draugr. In my Steel Plate armor, I ran rather slow,
which allowed them to follow me into the temple. A lot of them, actually. What I eventually had to do was strip myself
down to my favorite cloth, run for my life to the South Tower, and take the fight to
the Draugr on my terms. I killed enough of them that I could go back
to the temple, solve the puzzles, and make it to the outside without too much of an issue
after that clusterfuck. Thankfully after my last Skyrim video I had
about 140 billion people tell me that I could jump right into the portal to Sovngard, and
that’s exactly what I did. Then I had to fight Tsun. The only reason I beat him was because I had
saved a level up, which allowed me to restore my health and increase it by 10 points. At this point, my One Handed Weapons skill
was at 39 and oh so close to 40. I hoped that I could slice and dice Tsun to
increase it, but no, you can’t. Before the Heroes and I took the fight to
Alduin, I raided the Hall of Heroes for buckets. They had none. I don’t know how it can be some sort of
heavenly afterlife without buckets. Maybe Alduin was hoarding them for himself. Doesn’t matter now, because it’s time
for the final fight. Remember what I said not long about about
the first fight with Alduin being the real fight? I’ll tell you why I said that. Because Alduin is a giant pussy. I hit him over and over again with Dragonrend
but he would not land. No matter what I did. I spent several minutes blasting him with
it over and over again to no avail. If he can’t land, I can’t hit him with
my fork. I thought “alright, if I can’t kill him,
I’ll just let the other Heroes do the work”. I’ll tell you now that that didn’t work,
like, at all. It became clear very quickly that it would
take decades for the arrow girl to kill Alduin, because she’s the only one who can attack
a dragon that won’t land. After a while, I figured out that I could
stand still and my health would regenerate, thanks in part to my armor, faster than Alduin
could attack. What I did was use console commands to speed
up the game time. This effects nothing but the speed at which
things happen in the game. It doesn’t give me extra health or anything
like that. First I did 3x speed. Wasn’t enough. Then 5x speed. Wasn’t enough. Then 8x speed. Was not enough. Also if you’re wondering about the other
commands, “tm” removes all menus and hud. I used that for a screenshot, and “tfc 1”
freezes the game and gives you a free cam. Then I tried 15x speed. Was. Not. Enough. I was getting pretty pissed off by this point. And I could tell that Tsun was just done with
the whole situation. And then the game froze. I guess after several months of fighting Alduin,
the Heroes fall and Alduin wins. I did what any rational person would do, short
of doing shots of Drain-O. I opened the game again, ready to wait for hours if need be. You probably saw this coming from a mile away. Reloading fixed the issue. Um…Alduin landed, I beat him ruthlessly
with my enchanted fork for a few minutes, he died, and I saved the day. And of course when he died my One Handed skill
finally leveled up to 40. Tsun sent me back to Skyrim, the dragons did
a dance or something, and I pretty much beat Skyrim with only a fork. According to the timestamps from in-game saves,
the fight with Alduin took a total of 35 minutes. I don’t know if I believe that because I
timed it and I spent about 5 minutes 30 seconds with the game at 8x speed and 2 minutes 20
seconds with the game at 15x speed, which works out to about 78 minutes assuming my
math is right. During that time Alduin’s health never got
below half, so my assumption is that the heroes can only do half of the work during that fight. But that’s not what you’re wondering about
if you’ve made it this far. You want to know about the buckets. I’m extremely proud to say that I have collected
52 buckets, plus the one still at the top of the mountain, for a total of 53 buckets. But seeing isn’t believing, so I will leave
you with this wallpaper-worthy shot of the Hero of Skyrim, his mighty fork, and his collection
of buckets. And that’s gonna do it for this video about
whether or not you can beat Skyrim with only a fork. If you enjoyed the video or learned anything,
leave a like. Leave a dislike if you didn’t enjoy the
video or didn’t learn anything. Follow me on Twitter at @MittenSquad. My name is Paul of Mitten Squad. Have a wonderful day.

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