Why the hell
are we up this early? – Camp Campbell campers! [dramatic drumming] Hau.
[“How”] – Why. ♪ Oh! ♪ ♪ There’s a place I know
that’s tucked away, ♪ ♪ A place where you and I can stay. ♪ ♪ Where we can go to laugh and play, ♪ ♪ and have adventures every day! ♪ ♪ I know it sounds hard to believe,
but guys and gals it’s true! ♪ ♪ Camp Campbell is the place
for me and you! ♪ ♪ We’ll swim through lakes
and climb up trees, ♪ ♪ catch fish, bugs, bears,
and honeybees! ♪ ♪ There’s endless possibilities, ♪ ♪ AND NO THAT’S NOT HYPERBOLE! ♪ ♪ Our motto’s Campe Diem ♪ ♪ and that means I’m telling you… ♪ ♪ We’ve got: ♪ ♪ archery, hiking,
search and rescue, biking ♪ ♪ horseback, training that’ll
save you from a heart attack, ♪ ♪ scuba diving, miming,
keeping up with rhyming, ♪ ♪ football, limbo, science,
stunting, ♪ ♪ pre-calc, spaceships,
treasure hunting, ♪ ♪ bomb defusal, no refusal, ♪ ♪ fantasies, circus trapeze, ♪ ♪ and fights ♪ ♪ and ghosts ♪ ♪ and paints ♪ ♪ and snakes ♪ ♪ and knives ♪ ♪ and chess ♪ ♪ and dance ♪ ♪ and weights — ♪ ♪ It’s Camp Camp! ♪♪ I am sure you must be
wondering who we are, but have no fear. I — – David, what the fuck
are you doing? – I am not David! …though…if he were here
he’d tell you to mind your language. I am chief Squatting Bear. – Oohhh that’s awesome. – Gwen, why is David
dressed like a turkey? – because he’s fucking David, Nikki. you’ve been here long enough
to figure that out. – Gwen! Don’t break character! And I’m not a turkey.
I’m an indian chief. – Like Max?
– What? Uh — No! Like the Cherokees! You know, WOWOWOWOWOWOL! – Wow, that is racist. – Seriously. Are you offended? – Silence! Do your thing. Uh…right. We represent the
Order of the Sparrow. A secret society
that gathers only to honor the most
worthy of campers. – So then what are
you doing *here*? – [Sighs] Look, guys, the order’s been around
since I was a camper. It’s a huge honor!
And it’s really cool! – I’ll believe that when I see it. – Oh you will, Max, because today you will all be given
the chance to prove your worth. (whining):
– Do we have to? – No, but — WAIT! Nevermind!
It’s mandatory! [all sighing] but, those of you who are
accepted into the Order will receive the
ultimate prize. – Huh? There’s a prize? – What is it! – Tell us now, turkey-man! – Yeah. Wait what prize? – All will be revealed at the
setting of the sun, sister Gwen. So, shall we begin? ALL:
Well this is stupid. NEIL:
Seriously. “Do good every day?” that’s just bad grammar. I think it’s “Do good”
like a superhero. – I could be the hero
this camp deserves. – I can be nice! I’m the nicest! – Great! Because you all have
until sundown to convince me. – David! You know me!
You know I love nature! You know if I could I would
have BABIES with nature. So do I get my prize now? – Calm down, Nikki – Aaah!
– Step off! May I help you up, David? – Nurf! That was —
– A very kind gesture, I know. So can my prize be cigarettes? – You sure this will work? – Uh…yes! – Harrison! – Oh, Nerris, you clumsy fool! Never fear.
I shall save you out of the kindness
of my gold heart. – …Gwen! – David, please. Allow me to assist you with
the consumption of your sandwich. There we are.
All chewed up for you! – Um… – Here comes the zeppelin! – Gah!! [yelling] – Resistance is futile,
turkey-man! – What in the — Hey, David. Like what I’ve done
with the place? – Wh-What did you do
to the camp! – I cleaned it! The floors were
covered in dirt! – That’s because
it’s the forest! – I know! I really did
some good today. So for my prize, I was
thinking of a Broadway deal. – Preston, put it all back now!
Please! – But —
– I’m on it! [truck reversing]
beep…beep…beep… [hydraulics hissing] – Agh! – Uh, I’ll take my
hover boots now. NEIL:
David, witness me. Witness my love for nature. *muack* – Ow! You whore! Let me love you!
This doesn’t count, David. They don’t ACTUALLY care. – W-w-what do you mean! Of course they do!
Look at ’em! No. They’re just doing all of this
because they think they’ll get something awesome – A little motivation never hurt anyone. – Until they find out
there IS no prize. – Of course there’s a prize!
It’s a great prize! – Money?
– No! A new pony? A motorcycle?
An electron microscope! – No! It’s better than all of that! It’s symbolic and beautiful! Is it “a job well-done?” Because that’s a fucking
cop-out, David! – IT’S A BONFIRE. ALL:
What??! – What? – A bonfire! – …a bonfire. – Yes! It’s the highest honor. The fire is lit with a
flaming arrow signifying the — – Wait. We don’t actually
get anything? – I mean…of course you do! Everyone gets their own sash.
Like this! – But it’s so ugly! – W-well…
– David, is this seriously it? – Yeah, David. – Okay. You guys
just aren’t seeing it. I’m telling you.
This is amazing. The big fire, there’s music,
a ceremony, oh! And the passing of the staff! The chief chooses a new member
to carry his staff and lead the new
generation of sparrows! – So, one of us
gets a stick? – IT’S AN ANCIENT STAFF. QUARTERMASTER:
Welp, this is a trainwreck. – No wait, I’ll show you! Let me just get it lit. [thunder] – David, let it go. – No, no, no! I can still light it!
You’ll see! – I can’t believe I frenched
a platypus for this – Come on, kids. Guys, wait! I-I’ve almost got it,
I’m sure! [grunts] – Well, David, you were right.
This IS amazing. – If I could just show you… – Do you really think a big campfire
and some outdated… honestly, kind of racist tradition is going to make anyone
care about anything? No one gives a shit, David. Nobody want to be here. [grunting intensifies] God. It’s like you live in
this stupid make-believe world where “everything’s great!” The universe doesn’t
work that way, idiot Just look around! It’s what I’ve been trying
to show you since day one. Life sucks. And we live in a world of
desensitized, apathetic assholes. Why don’t you just
get with the program and stop giving a shit? – You’re right. – What? – Times have changed. Whether I like it or not. The campers don’t care, Gwen doesn’t care, even the founder of this place
has better things to do. That’s why I’ll never
stop trying. Because somebody
fucking has to. [thunder] – David…
– Go back to your tent, Max…. You’ll just catch a cold. Oh, give me a break! – David! – Huh? – Campe Diem,
brother David. – Oh my gosh.
You all look perfect! – And it’s all thanks to
your guidance, David. – Let us rejoice. – David, I am the spirit of
the Order of the Sparrow. Thank you for showing the children
the joy of camping, nature and life. Also, hey! I’m your real father. – Oh thank you, spirit! This is all just so incredible!
I feel like I’m dreaming! – That’s because you are, idiot. – What? GWEN:
David. David? David, can you hear me? – Gwen? Aah! NIKKI:
Wake up, buttercup! – Nikki, no more arrows! – You can’t control me, white devil! WOWOWOWOWOWOL! – You’re all dressed up as… – Indians. Just like you said! – We designed the outfits
ourselves. – Do you love them?
I LOVE THEM! – But, why? – Alright, I fixed it.
Everybody hurry up and… ah, shit. He’s awake. – Max?
Did you — – DO NOT LOOK TOO DEEPLY INTO THIS. You suck, this world sucks, and one day we’re all gonna die
and none of it will matter, but if we didn’t do this, I’m pretty sure you’d kill
yourself or something. – [sniffles] Oh, Max! – Or shoot up the camp.
I don’t know. It was a possibility. – Thank you. – Whatever. Just take
your stupid stick. SPACE KID:
Awww. Lucky. – You know,
it is kinda nice. [guitar strum] ♪ There’s a place I know
that’s tucked away… ♪ ♪ A place where you and I can stay. ♪ ♪ Where we can go to laugh and play, ♪ ♪ and have adventures every day. ♪ ♪ I know it sounds hard to believe, ♪ ♪ but guys and gals it’s true. ♪ – Hey Max, how’d you start a
fire with wet wood, anyway? – I’m not an idiot, David.
I used gasoline. – Wait what. *EXPLOSION* NIKKI:
Waaahooo! Do it again! Do it again! ♪ Camp Campbell is the place ♪ ♪ for me and you. ♪ [“Keeper of the Flame” by Ricke Branson
& Solar Slim playing]