Big Brother – Web Redemption – Tosh.0
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Big Brother – Web Redemption – Tosh.0

March 26, 2020


>>I THINK IT’S A BOY. IT–IT’S A GIRL!>>[laughs]>>IT’S A GIRL! IT’S A GIRL.>>IT’S OKAY, GUN. IT’S ALL RIGHT.>>I DON’T WANT A GIRL! I HATE THAT. I DIDN’T WANT ANOTHER GIRL.>>PAISLEY, ARE YOU HAPPY?>>YEAH!>>HARPER, ARE YOU HAPPY?>>YEAH!>>GUNNER, ARE YOU HAPPY?>>NO! IT’S STUPID! [crying] I HATE GIRLS. EVERY TIME IT’S GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS! IT’S ALWAYS GONNA BE GIRLS.>>YOU HAD THE SAME REACTION I DID, BUD.>>I WOULD LOVE TO ONLY GET BAD NEWS IN CAKE FORM. STOP WHINING. THERE ARE LITTLE BOYS IN CHINA WHO DON’T EVEN GET TO HAVE CAKE OR SISTERS. CAN YOU IMAGINE IF IT WERE A CHOCOLATE CAKE? THEN DAD WOULD BE CRYING. UNFORTUNATELY, NO AMOUNT OF CRYING CAN MAKE A BABY DISAPPEAR. TRUST ME. THAT’S GUNNER, AND WHAT HE REALLY SHOULD BE UPSET ABOUT IS THAT HIS PARENTS NAMED HIM GUNNER, NOT THAT HE’S GONNA HAVE A THIRD SISTER. EVERYONE KNOWS BROTHERS RULE AND SISTERS DROOL. THERE’S A REASON YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT THE WAYANS SISTERS. DON’T GET ME WRONG, SISTERS ARE GREAT AT TATTLING ON YOU, USING UP ALL THE HOT WATER, FORCING YOU TO SLEEP ON THE FLOORBOARDS IN THE BACK SEAT ON ROAD TRIPS, EVEN THOUGH THEY KNOW YOU HAVE SEVERE CLAUSTROPHOBIA! YOU DON’T GET TO PICK YOUR SIBLINGS, BUT YOU DO GET TO PICK YOUR NOSE AND WIPE IT ON THEM, SO THERE’S THAT. IF YOU HAVE A YOUNGER BROTHER, IT DOESN’T MEAN YOUR PARENTS DON’T LOVE YOU. IT JUST MEANS THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD DO BETTER. IT MUST BE STRANGE HAVING A HALF BROTHER OR SISTER, ESPECIALLY IF YOU GET STUCK WITH THE BOTTOM HALF. JUST BE THANKFUL YOU’RE NOT A WEIRD ONLY CHILD WHO ENJOYS PAINTING IN THEIR FREE TIME AND HAVING CONVERSATIONS WITH ADULTS. BUT IF GUNNER WANTS A BROTHER SO BAD, I’LL PUNCH HIM IN THE ARM. THAT’S WHY I PROMISED HIM FREE CANDY IF HE GOT IN MY PLANE AND FLEW TO HOLLYWOOD FOR THIS WEEK’S WEB REDEMPTION.>>all: ♪ IT’S A HARD-KNOCK ♪ ♪ LIFE FOR US ♪ ♪ IT’S A HARD-KNOCK LIFE ♪ ♪ FOR US ♪ ♪ INSTEAD OF TREATED ♪ ♪ WE GET TRICKED ♪ ♪ INSTEAD OF KISSES ♪ ♪ WE GET KICKED ♪ ♪ IT’S A HARD-KNOCK LIFE ♪>>YAY! NEW PARENTS ARE HERE! HI, I’M LITTLE ORPHAN DANNY. YOU’RE HERE BECAUSE YOU WERE UNABLE TO GIVE YOUR SON THE BROTHER HE’S ALWAYS WANTED.>>YES, WE’RE HAVING ANOTHER GIRL.>>MM, I’M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.>>PRETTY MATURE FOR A LITTLE GUY. HOW OLD ARE YOU?>>I’M 39ISH. FIRST OF ALL, HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE?>>THREE, AND ONE ON THE WAY.>>YOUR POOR BODY.>>I KNOW.>>ARE YOU GUYS MORMONS?>>YES.>>THAT MAKES COMPLETE SENSE. IF I’M ADOPTED, WILL I HAVE TO GO ON A MORMON MISSION?>>THAT’S YOUR CHOICE.>>IS IT?>>YEAH, IT’S UP TO YOU.>>OH. HOW LONG ARE THOSE MISSIONS USUALLY?>>TWO YEARS.>>PFFFT. DO I HAVE TO GO TO CHURCH EVERY WEEK?>>YEAH.>>YES.>>DO I HAVE TO GO TO SUNDAY SCHOOL TOO?>>MM-HMM.>>DO WE HAVE TO BE ACTIVELY INVOLVED AND, LIKE, DO LIKE A MID-WEEK THING?>>both: YEAH.>>UGH, YOU GUYS ARE KILLING ME. YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN’T LEAVE GUNNER ALONE WITH THIS NEW CHILD, RIGHT?>>REALLY?>>YOU DON’T THINK HE’S GONNA–>>both: NO.>>HAVE A LITTLE MISSION? DO YOU MIND IF I TALK TO YOUR UNBORN CHILD?>>SURE.>>THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! WHICH ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN IS YOUR FAVORITE?>>OUT OF THE BOTH OF US OR EACH?>>DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE?>>YEAH, I LIKE PAISLEY.>>YOU HAVE PAISLEY, GUNNER…>>AND HARPER.>>DO YOU HAVE A FOURTH NAME?>>NO, WE DON’T.>>I HAVE SOME SUGGESTIONS. PLAID.>>NO.>>COME ON. PAISLEY AND PLAID? RYDER, SCALLION.>>NO.>>MARKER.>>NO.>>SHOCKER, FRITO, JAX.>>DEFINITELY NOT.>>CARROT.>>both: NO.>>STERLING, HAMLET, AMPERSAND, FLATESA.>>NO.>>HARVEY MILK.>>NO.>>WHAT’S THE ROOM SITUATION IN THE HOUSE? DO I GET MY OWN ROOM?>>NO.>>WHAT ABOUT BATHROOM?>>OH, NO.>>SO I’M SHARING WITH THREE GIRLS?>>YES.>>YEAH.>>WHEW. IN THE HOUSE, WHAT ARE WE DOING: TIMEOUTS OR SPANKINGS?>>BOTH.>>ARE WE GONNA BE BUDGETING IN THIS HOUSE OR ARE YOU GUYS SWIMMING IN THE LOOT?>>WE’RE ON A BUDGET.>>WE’RE ON A BUDGET.>>WELL, JUST KEEP HAVING KIDS.>>YEAH.>>BEFORE I AGREE TO BE YOUR SON FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS, I WOULD LIKE TO MEET MY NEW BROTHER.>>OKAY.>>CAN I OPEN MY EYES?>>DANIEL, YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO COVER YOUR EYES.>>OH, MOM! [screams] WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE COOKIE?>>CHOCOLATE–>>CHOCOLATE CHIP? OH, MY GOODNESS, WE’RE ALREADY FINISHING EACH OTHER’S SENTENCES. FAVORITE MOVIE?>>”MEATBALL 2.”>>”MEATBALLS 2″? I’M PRETTY SURE THAT’S AN R RATED COMEDY FROM THE ’80s. ARE YOU MAD THAT YOU’RE HAVING ANOTHER SISTER?>>NOT NOW.>>DO YOU HAVE A TREE HOUSE?>>NO.>>WE NEED TO GET A TREE HOUSE. AND THEN WE CAN UP THE SIGN, “NO GIRLS ALLOWED.” DO YOU THINK YOU’LL EVER GET MARRIED?>>NO.>>GOOD JOB. WHICH ONE OF YOUR PARENTS DO YOU LIKE MORE? DON’T ANSWER. IT’S YOUR DAD, RIGHT? BUT IF YOU HAD TO PICK ONE TO LIVE WITH FOREVER. DO YOU STILL WANT A BROTHER?>>YES.>>AH! OOH.>>SO ARE WE BROTHERS NOW?>>ALMOST. I JUST NEED YOU TO SIGN A FEW PAPERS, AND THEN THIS WILL MAKE US LEGAL BROTHERS FOR 24 HOURS. JUST SIGN THERE AND DATE. JUST NEED YOUR INITIAL AND DATE THERE. AND THIS RIGHT HERE. YOU DON’T NEED TO READ THIS. BUNCH OF LEGAL MUMBO-JUMBO. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. NEED YOU TO SIGN ALL OF THOSE SPOTS. PERFECT. THANK YOU. AND I NEED YOU TO JUST MAYBE DRAW SOMETHING THERE. AND THAT DOES IT. ALL RIGHT? LET’S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THEY FORCE ME TO SING ANOTHER HORRIBLE SONG. [burping loudly] [blowing air] DOES THAT HURT?>>NO.>>MOM! PERFECT! HAVE A BITE!>>NO!>>IT’S DELICIOUS! ONCE YOU GET PAST THE HAIRSPRAY, IT’S NOT THAT BAD. THE REAL MYSTERY IS, WHY DIDN’T THE SMOKE DETECTORS GO OFF? GUNNER, WE GOT TO CHECK THESE BATTERIES. STICK YOUR TONGUE OUT.>>OW!>>IS THAT GOOD?>>MM-HMM.>>OKAY, SO THE BATTERIES ARE GOOD. MOM! OKAY, KEEP GOING. FASTER. OHH! MOM! CHARGE!>>OW!>>YOU’RE JUST NOW TELLING ME YOU HAVE A TRAMPOLINE?>>YEAH.>>GET IN THERE! MOM! YOU LIKE THAT?>>YEAH.>>I WROTE, “THIS GUY FARTED.” I DON’T LIKE THIS AT ALL. I AM NOT A FAN OF BATHS. [indistinct] GUNNER, ARE YOU AWAKE? I GOT SOME SECRET MAGAZINES. DO YOU LIKE ARCHITECTURE?>>NO.>>OH. I’VE GOT CANDY. WHERE DO SICK BOATS GO? THE DOCK. [laughs] LIKE THE DOC. LIKE THE DOCTOR. BOATS–WHERE DO SICK BOATS GO? THEY GO TO THE DOCK. GUNNER, IT’S NOT A THINKING JOKE. THIS IS GONNA BE SO FUN. GET IN. [farts]>>EW.>>OH, SHH! SHH! DON’T CRY! DON’T CRY! DON’T CRY! YOU CAN DO IT TO ME. YOU CAN DO IT TO ME. OW, I’M HURT. MOM! WELL, MY 24 HOURS IS UP. BUT I DO KNOW A WAY THAT WE CAN BE BROTHERS FOR LIFE. HERE. LET ME PRICK YOUR FINGER. WE’RE GONNA BE BLOOD BROTHERS.>>OW!>>ALL RIGHT, WE GOT TO SHAKE ON IT.>>OKAY.>>NOW WE ARE BLOOD BROTHERS FOR LIFE.>>OW!>>BLOOD BROTHERS FOREVER. BYE, FAMILY!>>BYE, DANIEL!>>BYE, BROTHER!>>BYE!>>BYE, PLAID!>>BYE!>>WHO TOUCHED MY MOM’S HEINIE?

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  1. I'm doing this every time …. 113k views 23k subscribers…. yall are mean just subscribe to the man hes funny as shit and verry handsome and questionably gay JUST SUBSCRIBE

  2. The folks went along with some of the crude jokes. Good stuff. Better than the last 10 Tosh.O segments I've seen. Show is getting better?

  3. This is so analogous to the current state of society with the exception that men just deal with it. So many of us men wish we could cry aloud calling afoul on so many things, but yet we cannot knowing we must remain as the part of society which does not cry like little babies.

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