(Uncle Jim laughing real creepy) G’day kids, are you lot playin’ some Backyard Crik’! (kids in unison) Hi Uncle Jim Aw, you scallywags Mind if ol’ Uncle Jim has a go? Promise I won’t go too hard on ya Alright, off you pop Okay (creepy laughter) Here we go, alright, heh heh (banging noise) oh oh, heh heh Out Oh, but you can’t go out on your first bowl You’re playing by that rule, yeah? Uh, okaaay? (creepy laughter) It’s tippities, you gotta run Oh you’re kidding me. Out I didn’t know it was tippities I woulda run, come on guys But that’s the rules Okay, but I didn’t know that was the rules Golly gosh, give me one more chance All right, all right Alright let’s do this Over the fence, you beauty I’m Uncle Jim and I bloody- Six and out Six and out? Six and out You never said that was the rules That’s always been the rule Are you trying to fuck me Thomas What I said, are you trying to fuck me Oi Jim, can you give us a hand with the ba ba que? In a sec mate I’m just playing some backyard cricket with the kids Hurry up mate these snags are bloody sizzling up I’ll tell you what I’ll be back you little drongos
(creepy laughter) (weird brass solo) Hello children I would like to have another go please Oh Uncle Jim we’re just gonna go inside ‘nd play- No you’re fucking not! Get back into position. Give me the bat. (kids in unison) okay Uncle Jim Boundary that’s four (dramatic music) Let’s do this (old cricket commentary over music) That’s a century to Uncle Jim (creepy laughter) Oh Jim leave the kids alone you dickhead I’m just playing some backyard cricket with the kids
(creepy laughter) Uncle Jim – Yes?
– I’m Tony Baloney from Australian Sport Anti-Doping Authority What’s going on Uncle Jim? Nothing mate, there’s uh there’s just been a bit of a misunderstanding Please, um, not in front of the kids Once more have you ever tooken part in blood doping or used performance-enhancing drugs (microphone feedback) No I have not I administered eight separate injections of thymacine-beta-4 each in exchange for $15,000 (yelling) But we’re all doing it! Take Kyle’s piss you’ll see We had to, just to get some in! Order, (banging gavel) there will be order in my court Oh God
What have I done? What’ve I done? (emotional piano music) (Woman) Do you miss the game? Sometimes but uh I’m not gonna stand here and kill myself over choices that I made in the past In fact I talk about it all in my new book “Out for Six but Never Out”, the Uncle Jim story (Woman) Aside from the blood doping have you ever contemplated that genuinely (Man) Oi Jim could you please help me with the snags for the love of Christ In a second Ben! I’m just playing some backyard crick- (Aunty Donna outro song) (Uncle Jim) What’ve I done? I dunno what I’ve done! (hysterically) Awh is that a little Splice you’ve got there? I won’t be eating Splices where I’m going Oh no! I’m Uncle Jim! Oh mate. What’ve I done? You said didn’t ya. You said don’t do it “Don’t do it Jim.” Didn’t ya say that mate? Where’d you get the Splice mate? From the shops? Yeah maybe we’ll go get a splice after this, I love splice I’m Uncle Jim!